How can I support DH when I feel hurt by him

[Myfanwyprice]

Hi,

I’ll try to keep this brief, sorry if it does go on.

DH and I have been together over 20 years, married 15, have two dc, one teen and one pre teen. We both work, me part time, him full time, he’s recently taken on more responsibility and is pretty stressed at work.

I would say that our relationship is generally good, we rarely argue and just rub along well together, for me, the big issue with him is that he is very hard on teen ds. He thinks I’m too soft - I’m definitely of the don’t sweat the small stuff opinion, and as he is pretty well behaved and doing very well at school, I let the smaller stuff go.

At the weekend, dh got really angry with ds as he hadn’t got up and got ready on time for an event - they wouldn’t have been very late, but dh finds it disrespectful that ds won’t get up when asked - I think he’s a normal teenager, who prioritises sleep over everything else, and even though it’s not ideal, it didn’t seem that big of a deal. DH overreacting to slight poor behaviour from ds is a pretty regular occurrence, he usually just has a bit of a moan, and we move on.

But at the weekend he went over the top, bringing up it seemed every time ds has made them late, really catastrophising. We ended up arguing, he was very critical of me and he said he doesn’t think he can stay in the marriage where I always take ds’s side, I said that it isn’t that I take his side, but that I am trying to keep the peace between them, and it seemed as though dh overreacted. I feel that dh was snappy with me all weekend.

Later on in the weekend when the row had blown over, he said again that he hadn’t decided if he was staying.

We’ve then had a busy few days, I have been keeping my distance a bit, trying to process what he said, and also how I feel about the differences in our parenting and his reactions to situations, I was hoping we could have a cards on the table discussion tomorrow night.

Today, dh has phoned and said he’s been to his gp and said that he’s depressed, and has been prescribed antidepressants.

Part of me feels relieved, he’s addressed how he’s feeling and that explains his behaviour. . .but I still feel so hurt by things he said at the weekend.

I don’t want to add to his burden any more, I appreciate it’s a big step to admit you need help, but I feel like I need some acknowledgment of the hurt he’s caused.

Would you just put your own feelings aside to support him, or would you bring up your feelings?

Are we married to the same man?
My OH has been awful in recent months, when I eventually got him to open up it was fear of the future, kids growing up, us not having a good pension, stress of his job ( job not going to plan, fear that his reputation would be damaged), also factor in a recent move from another country - questioning if we had done the right thing.
His behaviour was affecting his family and friends , he could not see it. After I confronted him we worked through things together, sorted our finances out, put things into perspective.
I think that men find it hard when their babies are growing up, not just because of how teens are , but concern for the future and they want to protect them.

I would see his comment of not staying as a sign of depression so would put aside your hurt.

There maybe irrational fear for his sons future, "does bring late mean he wont be a productive adult".
It sounds like you have a good man who takes responsibility for himself so he is likely to wake up to any hurt he caused.

I agree with your DH, children need to learn to be on time. Being late all the time is really annoying, my DD's are still trying to improve their time keeping. His behaviour isn't right towards you. You need to have a serious talk.

You need to sit down and agree a parenting style and stick to it. This lack of communication is what is causing the friction here. Neither of you is right or wrong you can't be a team if your are simultaneously trying two different parenting approaches.

It will be interesting to see what the GP says but it also might be a red herring as you haven't faced up to the communication issue.