How do you know difference between politeness and attraction

[deskdliemma]

How do you know? What are the signs that he fancies me rather than just enjoys my company. In an office situation Monday to Friday. Thanks

If it’s attraction and they want to act on it they will ask you out in an appropriate way at an appropriate time.

It doesn’t matter how shy or whatever you think he is that might be stopping him. If that is the case the flirtation is going nowhere. I include possibilities that he doesn’t want to cross work boundaries, has a partner already and lives with his dear old mum who needs all his spare time. If he doesn’t ask you out he isn’t that into you. People are attracted to others all the time and don’t act on it ever. Because they choose not to. Respect that decision.

In a work context it’s tricker: I’ve fancied colleagues or clients before but not acted on it because it doesn’t feel appropriate, so you can’t rely on him to make the first move and assume he’s not interested if he doesn’t.

You obviously talk a lot at work - what does he like / is interested in? Could you casually ask if he’d like to come along with you to a play / film / talk / new bar or whatever that you like the look of? If he’s not interested he’ll politely decline, if he says yes then you’ll have an opportunity on non-work territory to interact a bit differently and suss our whether he’s just friendly or something more.

I agree with Lemon - if he is attracted to you, he will make a move.

I also tend to think that if you have to ask on Mumsnet whether someone fancies you ... they probably don't.

Well he hasn't made a move so that is my answer I suppose .
I think he might just enjoy my company or maybe he is bored .
He tends to be overfamiliar and is always 'around'. He is a touch type of man, hands on arm, back etc. He seems genuinely interested in me as a person so maybe that is all there is to it. I'm not used to male attention .
He asks repeatedly for us to have work drinks but I have an awkward commute. He asks other too but mainly him and me .

If he's repeatedly suggested after-work drinks and you've repeatedly said no, he isn't going to ask anything more.

... asking you out for drinks is making a move.

Reminds me of the old joke - priest on a church roof above a rising flood, calling to God for rescue. Along comes a boat - "No thanks, God will answer my call". Along comes a helicopter - same. The waters are rising. He drowns. Pearly gates. "Oh God, why did you forsake me?" "I sent you a sodding boat and helicopter, what more would you need?!"

If he's asked you out for drinks several times and you've declined, you're sending out a signal that you're not interested. If you like him that much, isn't it worth the awkwardness of rearranging your commute to accept his offer?

I suspect he is interested in you, but the politics and rules about work relationships often hold people back. Why not ask him?

*What are the signs that he fancies me rather than just enjoys my company^

He asks repeatedly for us to have work drinks but I have an awkward commute

OP, if you like this guy and he asks again, say yes. Surely your commute can be modified just one time.

Haha! It would be an office after work drinks thing but the most of the colleagues would be well gone home before either of us . He doesn't single me out to ask, he asks everyone but he does come back to ensure I can go or can't. I've agreed to go to our summer bbq evening next week .
When in a group he sits beside me , focuses conversations on me , follows me but not in a stalky way.

Somebody please help this woman.

@PigletJohn what do you mean?

OP it sounds like the poor guy is trying to create an opportunity to get you alone. He can’t do that at work because he probably scared of harrassment claims. Go to the bbq and let him come chat to you. He might ask you out then

It's qhen one or other of you indicates they want to meet up in another context. Then again, this could be more about friendship - but in a m/f context generally more.

To be honest, I think it's more about being friends. He has never made any type of move . He is a very friendly chap, not a bit shy or underconfodent . I think he probably enjoys our chats and banter. Plus I'm a bit older than him and passed my prime . He is a warm and kind man who makes people he meets feel special.

Go for once and see where it leads. It could be that he doesn’t want you left out or it could be that he wants to see you outside the office with a bit of Dutch courage and under the guse of works drinks.

@TheCatDidSay Dutch courage, yes that’s true!

OP - everyone can give you an opinion but none of us is in this guy’s head. Even confident ones, we take for granted how tough it is for guys to put themselves out there and bite the bullet especially if you turn him down and you are going to see him at work everyday.
Relax and don’t over think or expect anything more than a nice evening in good company. If he asks you out (let him come to you), then bonus - and please don’t say no thinking he is just being polite if he asks!

Is this the most British thread ever?

@HoustonBess quite possibly.

I have never turned him down personally . I've just said in a group situation that I can't make it . I will go to the bbq and it will be just us together at the end of the night . He likes to message me a lot too. It could never work so I imagine this is why he has no interest in anything long term too.

It's very obvious when guys at work like someone. They flock around her desk like bees to a flower. That doesn't mean he'll actually act on it though.

Go to one of the after work drinks and find out. Sod the commute problems for one time. You'll find out.

I think pigletjohn means that you can't see what's right in front of you .
Everything you are saying suggests he's trying to get your attention.

Hope the BBQ goes well !

Do you think a man would flock around the desk even if he genuinely didnt fancy but really enjoyed a woman's company because we get on spectacularly well anyway .
I don't know if this man is single .
He flocks all day long

It sounds promising, OP. Allow an opportunity to develop. If he wants to get you alone, he probably has a reason why. :)

OP we cant tell you what he thinks. The only to find out is talking to him outside work, which is what he is trying to do by the sound of it. He might just be friendly or it he might ask you ask and whwn talking you realise you are not compatible or he might be attached but you can only find out by talking to him. Just don’t put your hopes up. It is very unlikely he would ask you out if he doesn’t want to know you on a more personal level. That will then answer your question.