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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Got told to 'Fuck Off' and that I was a 'Cunt'

50 replies

Rosey12 · 13/06/2019 10:50

Hiya, just sitting here stunned and terribly upset. My DP and I had a terrible row last night. I haven't been sleeping at all well, after an operation several weeks back and my DP says I snore, so I have been sleeping on the sofa most nights. He was on his computer last night and I nodded off and woke with a start. I said, I am probably going to have to take the bed tonight as I am exhausted. This then caused him to go into a rage on me and say 'I work 12 hour days! You've been up for a row all night well now you've got one'. I hadn't been up for a row all night at all, I had been crying a little earlier, as recently I had a relative pass away and it hasn't been that long either since I lost my Mum. I am very strong about things most of the time but I had a little cry to myself.

Anyway, I was shocked at how he leapt up and roared at me. So I said maybe I should leave and he replied 'Yeyyyy hoooray'! I got then very upset and he started walking about all aggressive. And telling me to move out of his way, I hate to say it and I know it was wrong but I felt so threatened that I kicked out at him as he went past. Long story short, I told him that he started this and he then told me to 'fuck off'. Got his car keys and left slamming the door calling me a cunt, with such hate and aggression I was shocked to bits.

He returned about 3 hours later saying 'go to bed' . I told him how I felt and he said I was shouting again. I ended up going to bed and hardly sleeping, while he stayed downstairs. I hardly know what to do today. I have today off and can't stop thinking about this and getting upset... I have no family still alive that can help, or anyone I can stay with. I have two lovely teenagers (not his). I really want to start again but feel it's too late and I have nowhere to turn.

OP posts:
Shequakes · 13/06/2019 10:56

Whose is the house?

You need to split up. Either he moves out or you and your teens do.

Its toxic. His behaviour is not ok. You kicking him is not ok. You arent happy. It's not too late to start again.

Any age is too young to stay in a toxic relationship. Its never too late to start again.

Original poster
Rosey12 · 13/06/2019 11:00

@Shequakes The house is his. We moved up here nearly 10 years ago and been married for 8.

I know it's wrong what I did, I did apologize when he came back for this. He didn't apologize though...

I know I need to leave, it's just how. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

OP posts:
mybeebop · 13/06/2019 11:02

Why is it too late? It’s not. It’s never too late to get out of a bad situation! Can I ask what he was doing on his computer? Was he playing a violent game? I had an ex who used to fly into a rage when he was playing games on the computer. His Adrenalin was all over the place and he’d take it out on me.

Shequakes · 13/06/2019 11:06

It's really not easy. It's really not.

But as you are married the house is shared. Its half yours.

Lots of people will say dont move. But I did. I took my kids and left. Exh was their father though. He was abusive.

I continued to transfer money to the account his bank account for the mortgage and labelled it 'mortgage'. So that in the divorce he couldnt claim I had been paying.

I did live one friends sofa for 9 months. Divorced him, got my half of the equity and bought my own place.

I have been here a year next week. Its bliss. So so hard. But so so worth it.

Original poster
Rosey12 · 13/06/2019 11:09

@mybeebop Well I am nearly 47 and don't really have any money saved. I have a part time job (my youngest has a learning disability, so right now this fits around him). I have thought about speaking to the local council.. I don't know if even the council would help me given that they children are 15 and 13?

He was looking at videos of his hobby (takes him away every weekend for most of a day). Not a violent hobby but he is very obsessed with it. Sorry to hear about your ex too! Thank you for taking the time to comment.

OP posts:
Shequakes · 13/06/2019 11:13

Contact the council. The ages of children doesnt really matter. But it will in a few years when the oldest isnt a child.

It's an odd situation because they may see you as intentionally homeless if you leave. But you need to tell them the whole situation.

You may need to start divorce proceedings before you leave.

You actually need to do this now. Contact womens aid as well, for advice.

You need to make sure you refer to hom as your husband though, when getting advice as it does change things alot.

Dudleydoodle · 13/06/2019 11:22

Has nobody read the part which OP admits to hitting DH?, if it were the other way around, all hell would break loose, double standards?

Original poster
Rosey12 · 13/06/2019 11:27

@Dudleydoodle Thank you, yes I did admit that I knew this was very wrong. He pushed into me, so it was a reaction.

OP posts:
Shequakes · 13/06/2019 11:28

Dudleydoodle yes. If you read what I said, I told her it was a toxic relationship that needs to end.

They are abusing eachother. So it needs to be over.

Wheres the problem with that?;

Scorpvenus1 · 13/06/2019 11:29

This relationships isn't working and never will work.

Bungalowblues · 13/06/2019 11:32

Sounds like he wants to end it anyway so suspect the writing is on the wall.

Did he own the house before you married? that might have a bearing on asset distribution.

LemonTT · 13/06/2019 11:39

Well if you are married you have some entitlement to a share of the house regardless of who bought it and who is on the deeds. See s solicitor to find out how much and take information about pensions debt and savings. I expect you are in the 50% ball park for at least the equity and wealth accrued since you lived together.

The problem you have is the interim arrangements between now and when you divorce. Although he was verbally abusive you did hit him. This is not a good environment for anyone. You both need to calm down and agree a way to separate without any more violence or abuse.

Personally I would take my children out of the environment as a priority

NannyRed · 13/06/2019 11:57

This relationship is over.
Time to prioritise you and your children.
Get your name on your local housing registry. Move in with friends in the meantime, tell your council you are sofa surfing.
Please don’t stay with your partner because you have nowhere to go, this is not a healthy environment for children or you.
See a solicitor as soon as practical, you have some money tied up in the house as I presume you have contributed to the running of the household.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/06/2019 11:58

It is NEVER too late.

Yes, you need to split. Whether he leaves or you do, the relationship sounds horrible.

You've just had an operation, you've lost your Mum, you've lost another relative and you're exhausted as you're sleeping on the sofa.

His lack of empathy or even care is just cruel. No, you shouldn't have kicked out at him but you know that and you've apologised for it.

Has he apologised for calling you a cunt? No, of course not.

You need to get yourself and the kids somewhere safe. Please seek legal advice, speak to the council... do whatever it takes to get yourself out of this situation.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2019 12:29

It's interesting.

We all know the dv script. Partner is assaulted and told it's their fault. They drove their attacker to the violence. It's their fault don't uou see? And in droves we respond , it's not your fault. Nothing you do deserves being slapped, punched, or kicked. Call women's aid. Get out now.

And yet when a woman comes on and says I'm the violent abuser, I assaulted my partner, but it was his fault. He drove me to it, don't you see? I felt threatened, no wait, that doesn't make sense, he pushed into me, yes yes, that's why I assaulted him, and the violence is barely dropped into the story like a foot note, so calmly stated that you'd be forgiven for missing it, people are thrown by it.

Surely because it's a woman it's not a physical assault right? Maybe he did drive her to it. Maybe it's ok she physically assaulted him and it is his fault. It's not like a man assaulting a woman right. She's under a lot of stress, he made her do it.

The gender reversal throws people. If a woman came on and said I was being grumpy last night, stomping about, my husband is really pissing me off with his attitidue and I can't take it any more, so he kicked me, he actually kicked me as I was going past. The responses would be different. It would be get out now. Nothing you did deserved the assault.

Domestic violence is never excusable, no matter which gender doles it out. It wasn't his fault. There was no reason for her to assault him. None what so ever.

And that really should be the focus here, not trying to empathise, excuse the dv, say yes yes, it was his fault.

It wasn't.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2019 12:31

And if my husband assaulted me, I'd call him worse than a cunt and h wouldn't be getting an apology for it. And I'd have something to say to anyone who suggested I should.

LemonTT · 13/06/2019 12:37

Bluntness you have a point but it is hugely and endlessly debatable. Which is what is about to happen on this thread.

The OP should be separating ASAP for the sake of her children. Yes she can call women’s aid but he can go to the police. A toxic environment has been created and the relationship is over. If they stay together they will tear strips out of each other verbally or physically. They are both well over the line of being able to tolerate each other and neither has restraint.

NameChangeNugget · 13/06/2019 12:53

There is no way back from what you have done

WhatsInAName19 · 13/06/2019 12:53

I don’t think anybody has said that he deserved to be kicked or that OP was right to do it. In fact, everybody who has mentioned it has reiterated that it was wrong. I can’t agree that this one episode of aggression from OP in the face of prolonged emotional abuse and physically threatening behaviour from her partner (which OF COURSE is relevant) makes her a “violent abuser”. If the other party’s behaviour is never relevant, I wonder what you make of the case of Sally Challen who was recently freed from prison after her murder charge was changed to manslaughter. Her husband waged a 30 year campaign of control, emotional torture and even rape against her and she bludgeoned him to death. Which of them was the “violent abuser”? Perhaps you feel his behaviour was also completely irrelevant to her actions.
To summarise OP’s partner’s behaviour as “being grumpy” is minimising some shocking behaviour on his part. Behaviour that is truly nasty at best and downright abusive at worst. OP has recently undergone an operation and her partner has made her sleep on the sofa. She is grieving two family members and far from being supportive, he has flipped out and blamed her tearful mood. He has behaved in a manner that she found physically threatening. She “kicked out at him” in her words which is wrong, absolutely, but I think you’d have to be pretty unaware to think that this is unlinked to his sustained emotional abuse or that it means somehow his behaviour should not be up for discussion any longer.

LemonTT · 13/06/2019 12:59

Whatsinaname.

I don’t think the OP has referenced prolonged behaviour just this incident.

WhatsInAName19 · 13/06/2019 13:16

@LemonTT
...after an operation several weeks back and my DP says I snore, so I have been sleeping on the sofa most nights - this is prolonged behaviour.
In fairness with the bereavement I thought OP had said her partner had been unsupportive but can see on a second read that she has only referenced his behaviour on this occasion. It seems unlikely that someone who had been supportive of their bereaved spouse would suddenly use their tearful mood as an excuse to kick off. Maybe OP will shed some light.

MaryBlue13 · 13/06/2019 13:18

LemonTT

Yep but she hasn't not said this wasn't prolonged behaviour.

She was wrong to lash out, she knows it we know it. But just how much of this has been going on?? He doesn't sound particularly caring or considerate towards her.

thedancingbear · 13/06/2019 13:24

Ladies and gentlemen, here is further confirmation that DV committed by a woman against a man doesn't count.

Please carry on with your apologism. As you were.

Shequakes · 13/06/2019 13:26

Of course it counts.

They are abusing eachother.

Neither is acceptable.

thedancingbear · 13/06/2019 13:27

The first six posts on the thread don't even acknowledge that an assault has occurred.

Of course it doesn't count.