Got told to 'Fuck Off' and that I was a 'Cunt'

[Rosey12]

Hiya, just sitting here stunned and terribly upset. My DP and I had a terrible row last night. I haven't been sleeping at all well, after an operation several weeks back and my DP says I snore, so I have been sleeping on the sofa most nights. He was on his computer last night and I nodded off and woke with a start. I said, I am probably going to have to take the bed tonight as I am exhausted. This then caused him to go into a rage on me and say 'I work 12 hour days! You've been up for a row all night well now you've got one'. I hadn't been up for a row all night at all, I had been crying a little earlier, as recently I had a relative pass away and it hasn't been that long either since I lost my Mum. I am very strong about things most of the time but I had a little cry to myself.

Anyway, I was shocked at how he leapt up and roared at me. So I said maybe I should leave and he replied 'Yeyyyy hoooray'! I got then very upset and he started walking about all aggressive. And telling me to move out of his way, I hate to say it and I know it was wrong but I felt so threatened that I kicked out at him as he went past. Long story short, I told him that he started this and he then told me to 'fuck off'. Got his car keys and left slamming the door calling me a cunt, with such hate and aggression I was shocked to bits.

He returned about 3 hours later saying 'go to bed' . I told him how I felt and he said I was shouting again. I ended up going to bed and hardly sleeping, while he stayed downstairs. I hardly know what to do today. I have today off and can't stop thinking about this and getting upset... I have no family still alive that can help, or anyone I can stay with. I have two lovely teenagers (not his). I really want to start again but feel it's too late and I have nowhere to turn.

Its toxic. His behaviour is not ok. You kicking him is not ok. You arent happy. It's not too late to start again.

That's funny. Because my post saying the above is definitely in the first 6 posts

The standard advice here to anyone on the receiving end of abuse, especially physical is to change the locks, call a friend, call women's and get the person out.

So that's my advice, only it's you who should be leaving.

What he did was wrong but you were worse.

The standard advice here to anyone on the receiving end of abuse, especially physical is to change the locks, call a friend, call women's and get the person out.

Not sure where you get that from.

Changing the locks on a shared property isnt legal unless there is police involvement banning the person from the home.

It's a mutually abusive relationship. They are both wrong.

Thank you all for taking time to reply to my post. I deleted my account not long after. This will be the last message I can and will respond to.

My first marriage was abusive in every way, I was controlled, pushed, pinched, thrown on the floor, spat at, driven in a car he threatened to crash etc

This marriage is not this way but just as painful. If you read an old post I put on here last year, you will see this has been going on for a long time. Just not me lashing out (which is a terrible thing to do I know).

I have to tread on eggshells with him all the time. He has a terrible frightening temper. He blames his job every time, I have tried to help and support him with this. Looked for new jobs, even got him an interview but he will not change.

I did not mention that - He hurt my hand at the front door with the handle and pushed the door into me hard either did I?

I did not mention that he has been no support at all throughout my Mums illness and passing. He seems to think I should just get over it. When my Mum was dying in hospital , the day the family were called in he carried on and drove to work. We nearly broke up the month after she died, after one of his rages. He has hit doors and left them dented, gone after bad drivers with road rage - he has a very frightening temper.

I am not writing any more on here, as I feel it was the wrong thing to do - and now I feel even more frightened and worried. Thank you to all people who have commented, good and bad. It's interesting how different people perceive my situation. I am the one living it and now I will try and sort this mess out for my children.

Oh @Rosey12 this isn't your fault. Ignore the people on here with their own agendas. I'm glad you're making plans for you and your children. Keep strong and make those plans to leave

I think people have been very quick to jump to the conclusion that because you 'kicked out' at him after he became aggressive towards you that you are a violent abuser. Jeez.
Now you have explained all the background I hope they now see, sometimes you can be pushed to the absolute end of your line.
I lashed out at my ex once because he ground me down so much I just couldn't take it anymore. Doesn't make it right but I also refuse to take all of the responsibility for it.

For a start, why the hell is he making YOU sleep on the couch when you've had an operation. That in itself was bad enough to read.

I would definitely advise ending this relationship. Try to get the help you need to do this. Good luck.

You are not as bad as him or worse than him or any of the nonsense that so many people are saying. You are not an abuser. I guess some people look at the world in a very black and white way. It's also very easy to make strong statements when you're behind the safety of a phone screen and you don't have to think about the recipient of your venom as an actual human being. I hope that after your last update some PPs are reconsidering the way that they respond to posters on here. Some of the responses have been awful. The further information you've divulged is not a shock to me whatsoever I'm afraid, in fact it was entirely predictable and everybody responding to this thread should have had a good inkling that this was the backdrop.

I hope you are safe, @Rosey122. Abuse comes in many forms and although this man may not be routinely physically assaulting you, he is abusing you. Nobody should feel frightened in their own home MN can be a source of excellent support. I think if you started a new thread in a few days which explained the issues within the relationship and the abuse you are facing rather than centering on this one incident - because it's not representative of the relationship or the dynamic between you - then I think you would get an entirely different and more helpful response.

I’m shocked that people are comparing the OP to an abuser!
She is NOT an abuser. Ffs.
She did not bully him.
She did not gaslight him.
She did not manipulate him.
She did not start acting aggressively towards him.
She did not play on his insecurities.
She did not purposely do anything to play on his emotions.
She did not do anything to try to control him.

The opener tells you she had surgery not that long ago & SHE is the one sleeping on the sofa.

THAT should have been enough for PPs to understand the awful dynamic at play here.

But no, they want to use what they can to their agenda to make it a political debate.
Op if you do read this, please do go to women’s aid, cab & try some other ‘agony aunt’ sites, I promise you’ll get much more helpful responses than those on here.

You are in no way as bad as him.

You have reacted normally in an abnormal environment.

I also lashed out at my ex because he was emotionally abusive. You have not done anything wrong. His abuse is far worse and people really need to read the thread properly before jumping to conclusions.

All the best.

In the first place, it was very selfish of him to take up the living room and play videos when it’s effectively your bedroom.

He then became abusive and aggressive when you expressed your need to sleep.

Why did you apologise to him, OP? You did nothing wrong? Do you often apologise to keep the peace?

I think you do need to split up and you need to see a solicitor, it’s not just his house, you are entitled to a share.

He’s a horrible bully, I hope you leave him xx

Ah sorry the apology was for the kick. All the more reason to leave, the escalating violence could be very dangerous. He could provoke you to hit him and then hit you harder and then blame it on you for starting it.

You physically assaulted him. No two ways about it. As others have said a man would be roasted alive. Your second post is just full of post hoc rationalisations for it, just like you hear from many male dv perps.

You physically assaulted him. No two ways about it. As others have said a man would be roasted alive. Your second post is just full of post hoc rationalisations for it, just like you hear from many male dv perps.

Nope, he was the one in a rage, shouting and being aggressive at OP, getting in her way and then shouting at her to get out of his way. Not surprised OP felt under siege and kicked out.

Please stop victim blaming.

Some people on here will bend over backwards to excuse a physical assault by a woman on a man.

the relationship is toxic, clearly, and there is wrongdoing on both sides. But if a man came on here and said that he'd kicked his wife because she was angry about work, unsupportive, and didn't want to sleep on the couch, he would be crucified.

But if a man came on here and said that he'd kicked his wife because she was angry about work, unsupportive, and didn't want to sleep on the couch, he would be crucified.

You're conveniently forgetting the bits about him being in a rage, shouting and being aggressive at OP, getting in her way and then shouting at her to get out of his way. What's your agenda?

Hang on... if he works 12 hour days and you’re the one who snores and you didn’t have work today - then why do you get the bed??

She didn't say whether she actually kicked him or if she kicked out towards him not hitting him.

People need to look up reactive abuse.

There is a huge difference between mutual abuse and reactive abuse.

Hang on... if he works 12 hour days and you’re the one who snores and you didn’t have work today - then why do you get the bed??

She doesn't get the bed, he does. But he also wanted to stay up in the living room playing videos, preventing OP from sleeping on the sofa, and then flew into a rage when OP suggested taking the bed.

Do people even bother to read the OP?

And you would have to be pretty shit person to make your partner who is recovering after an operation sleep on the sofa.

OP, if your account is accurate, you’ve been victim to his sustained emotional abuse over a protracted period of time. That still constitutes as domestic abuse and what is crucial is the pattern of the power imbalance in your relationship. There is such a thing termed ‘victim resistance ‘ violence when the victim finally fights back. The power imbalance between the OP and her DH has not changed as a result of her assault against him. Within this context, she is not a domestic abuser

*correction. It’s called ‘violent resistance’ when they victim breaks and finally fights back. Recent eg is the woman freed from prison for killing her husband who had been coercively controlling for years. Nobody can say that she was a domestic abuser

*Nope, he was the one in a rage, shouting and being aggressive at OP, getting in her way and then shouting at her to get out of his way. Not surprised OP felt under siege and kicked out.

Please stop victim blaming.*

What an absolute joke. MN double standards at its finest.

She should have got out of the way or do you think it is okay for men to lash out at women who rage and shout at them?

Just because a man expresses anger doesn't mean he is fair game for physical violence against him.

It is pretty clear that her folloe up was just an after-the-fact justification becuase she rightly was getting a hard time for lashing out, but yoy lap it up becuase it fits the narrative.

If the situation was truly as bad as she claims in the follow up it would have been in the initial post. The fact that she focussed on the name calling at the end of the situation as well tells a lot of the story here.

correction. It’s called ‘violent resistance’ when they victim breaks and finally fights back. Recent eg is the woman freed from prison for killing her husband who had been coercively controlling for years. Nobody can say that she was a domestic abuser

But everyone can say she was rightly guilty of manslaughter. Taking the law into your own hands is not acceptable. She is not an example to be followed.

She should have got out of the way or do you think it is okay for men to lash out at women who rage and shout at them?

Why should she get out of his way when he is the one getting aggressive and in her space?

Just because a man expresses anger doesn't mean he is fair game for physical violence against him.

But the man was physically violent first. OP says "He hurt my hand at the front door with the handle and pushed the door into me hard".

If the situation was truly as bad as she claims in the follow up it would have been in the initial post. The fact that she focussed on the name calling at the end of the situation as well tells a lot of the story here.

It's clear from the first post that the man is aggressive and abusive. Not every OP puts every detail in the first post.

Pp need to be careful when calling the OP a victim and her dp an abuser.
You only know the op side and it could be a case that the Op has being emotional destructive causing the home to be a negative place for some time due to all the issues the op has recently dealt with and the the dp had enough.

And In fact the OP may need to address her issues instead of jumping straight to victim.
If this was the other way round and her dp was not talking to her, crying, shouting feeling low and not getting help you'd tell her he was an abuser.