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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and I just hit each other

80 replies

namechanged4u · 12/06/2019 22:40

DH and I were having a chat about an hour ago while I was folding blankets on the sofa before we went up to bed. DH came up behind me and smacked me on what I'm assuming he meant to be the bum, but he missed and got me in a bit of an odd spot above and to the side. He hit me hard. It really hurt, and it made a massive cracking sound. I didn't see him do it and I was shocked and I saw red. I spun around and smacked him back in the face. DH then started shouting at me, told me never to hit him again, that if I did he would punch me in the face. I was also saying to him not to hit me again, that he had really hurt me. He mimed punching me in the face, I'm not sure if he was trying to scare me or he was going to really do it and caught himself.

DH does this all the time, he'll smack me on the bum and say he was just messing around. But it hurts me. We're pretty even height and weight wise (I weigh about a stone more than him, and we're both 5ft10") but he's ridiculously strong. I've tried telling him to stop doing it, explaining that he doesn't know his own strength and it actually hurts me. Sometimes it leaves red prints behind he does it so hard. Also today, when he hit me it kind of made me jump/try to move out of the way and I twisted my knee as I was stood on the rug, and that's killing me now (I've been having some prior issues with it).

I feel absolutely awful now though, I hate that I hit him back like that. I was just so, so angry and I flipped out. I hate that I hit him. I really want to go upstairs and apologise and beg him to forgive me, but then part of me also thinks that he should be the one to apologise to me, because he hit me first. But I doubt he'd ever do that. I did go upstairs and ask if he wanted to talk about it about 20 minutes ago, but he said no.

I wouldn't mind the occasional flirty bum smacking type of thing but I think what upsets me the most is I've told him he hurts me, and he just seemed to put all his force into it.

I don't want to break up with him, we've been together for 15 years and I love him and he's a good husband. He has been really tired and stressed with work lately and he was in a bad mood today, so I think that he just won't have meant to do it as hard as he did?

I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 13/06/2019 09:39

The double standards here are shocking, if a woman posted she’d slapped her DH backside and he responded by hitting her in the face, imagine the comments!!
You are as bad as each other, yes he slapped you but your reaction is to hit him in the face isn’t acceptable either. You both have issues here and they need sorted out. For PP to label him as violent and abusive but ignore OP hit him in the face are being hypocritical, one rule for women eh?

Nesssie · 13/06/2019 09:41

If you are unsure whether you want to split up, I think you need to have a frank conversation with him - he doesn't get to interrupt or make excuses, you say 'when you smack my bum, it hurts and I don't like it. I apologise for hitting you back. If you ever do it again, jokingly or otherwise, this relationship is over. This will be the only warning.'

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 13/06/2019 09:43

He didn't like it when you retaliated yet he habitually jabs you painfully when you have told him it hurts.
You've been together long enough he should know when kidding around or whatever he calls it isn't funny.
Stressed or not he ought not to use you as a punchbag. I don't imagine he does this to anyone else.

BackwardsGoing · 13/06/2019 09:45

You need to leave. Sorry.

KissMeBunty · 13/06/2019 09:53

You have both been physically violent to one another. This relationship isn't working. Leave.

ElektraUnchained · 13/06/2019 09:53

@Bookworm4 clearly the OP is not as bad as him. He made tbe decision to hit his wife hard out of nowhere when previously told not to. She lashed out instinctively in pain and shock like many people would do, no pre meditation. He is much stronger than her. Her reaction wasn't great but who can say they always have the best reactions in all circumstances?

He then also chose to raise his fist to his wife. An unthinking reaction might have been to push her away but he chose to act in an incredibly intimidating manner.

Its not the same.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 13/06/2019 09:54

If you decide to stay OP I think you need to lay some concrete ground rules with him.

Sit him down, and say ‘if you ever hit me, on the bum or anywhere else again, or threaten to punch me, I will leave you, no second chances, I will divorce you!’ if he says anything back. Simply say ‘this is NOT up for negotiation’ smile and go about your day. Do not enter into a discussion with him, that’s the rules BUT you have to stand by them, if he does it again and you don’t leave, he’ll never have any respect for you or your boundaries

dottiedodah · 13/06/2019 09:55

Look ,you have been together since you were 15 and 17 respectively.I think you know this relationship is at a sticky end!.Anyone smacking you hard and unexpectedly ,is not "just having a playful slap" are they.You are very young still, and have your whole life ahead of you .Can you go back to your parents or a friends?.How will you feel in 5 or 10 years time if you have children ,and he becomes physical with them.Or decides to really punch you in the face ,and smashes your nose or cheekbone.Get out as soon as you can ,its never easy but will become more difficult to leave as time goes on Im afraid

dottiedodah · 13/06/2019 10:02

Also have you seen anyone about your knee problems .Are these ongoing or did they start up due to a similar incident?

ChimesAtMidnight · 13/06/2019 10:16

told me never to hit him again, that if I did he would punch me in the face.
So, it's perfectly acceptable for him to regularly hit you, sometimes so hard that he leaves a red hand print on your body, but if you dare to reciprocate, he'll punish you for it.
He's not a good husband, he sees your body as his to do with as he pleases. He's a vile, violent bully.

grupple · 13/06/2019 10:17

I really don't like the sound of him at all.

You should be very clear to him that the bum slap must never happen again.

A new job might be a good idea too.

Fonduefrolics · 13/06/2019 10:48

I don’t see the double standards here. OP feels bad about hitting him back, and whilst it wasn’t acceptable, she doesn’t need to be guilted into believing she’s some sort of abuser right now.

OP I was goaded into smacking someone once. I was made out to be the worst of the worst, that I was the abuser.

I cried at my first Freedom Project session, because I didn’t believe I deserved to be there because that one time I’d hit someone. I’d carried that guilt round for 21 years. I doubt my ex cries at the thought of all the things he did to me. No doubt your partner will now use this against you, that his actions are justified because ‘you’re violent too’. Please be careful and consider talking to a professional about your situation.

NauseousMum · 13/06/2019 10:56

, it's perfectly acceptable for him to regularly hit you, sometimes so hard that he leaves a red hand print on your body, but if you dare to reciprocate, he'll punish you for it.He's not a good husband, he sees your body as his to do with as he pleases. He's a vile, violent bully.

This. Perfectly said.

He probably is being ok now because he got a reaction from you (the face slap) that he can use to make you feel guilty and taunt you with.

Damn right if i slapped my husband repeatedly, leaving marks and laughing when he asked me not to then i deserve a face swipe! More in fact! As does your husband OP. I would expect him to leave me.

PlinkPlink · 13/06/2019 11:25

Sometimes we can be in a relationship for so long, we get too comfortable. We ignore the foibles, we block out the awful things for the sake of staying in our safe, comfort zone.

For example, my ex and I. Together from 15 and 16 years of age. Stayed together 10 years and almost got married. We both made mistakes. I had a few flirty dalliances and kissed someone else. He did too. But we loved each other and supported each other. We had quite a good life together. I loved his family very much.

But it wasn't really like that.

It took me a long time even after I broke up with him to see how awful it was and how normalised the awful things had become.

Constant snide, sarcastic remarks which he thought was funny, but were ultimately designed to put me down a peg or two.

Constant put downs about my friends and family which ultimately served to separate me from them.

Taking his anger and frustrations in work out on me for hours after he'd come home.

Actively discouraging me from my hobbies and passions in life. Because he didnt want me to leave him.

Co-ercing me into sex to the point where I'd just give in quickly because I couldn't face the hassle of him sulking, huffing and having a talk about how we need to sort things out.

Financially helping me out, only for it to be lauded over me at some point.

It took me such a long time to get out of that awful place... and when I finally saw the light, I realised how fucking unhappy I actually was.

What your husband does is not normal. It's not kind, it's not loving... it's abusive. You have asked him repeatedly to stop and he doesn't listen to you. He is ignoring you. He doesn't care if it hurts you or not and he's going to do it again and again. What does that say about his respect and love for you?

Scorpvenus1 · 13/06/2019 11:38

told me never to hit him again, that if I did he would punch me in the face. I was also saying to him not to hit me again, that he had really hurt me. He mimed punching me in the face, I'm not sure if he was trying to scare me or he was going to really do it and caught himself.

OMG op this is abusive. He deserved it straight up.

What a cowardly man threatening a woman, Pity you didn't knock him out :(

Sagradafamiliar · 13/06/2019 11:45

He's got you where he wants you. He smacks you about but you're the one feeling bad. This is awful :(

Attache · 13/06/2019 11:55

told me never to hit him again

This really bothers me. How can he have such double standards? How dare he hit you when (1) you have specifically and seriously told him to stop it and (2) he thinks it's completely unacceptable for you to do the same? I think this is a fundamental question you need to address with him. (1) is just unacceptable full stop, and the only explanation I can think of for (2) is he has zero respect for you and considers himself superior. No one - no one - deserves to be treated like that.

Queenoftheashes · 13/06/2019 11:55

The threats he’s making are very disturbing. I’d be terrified if my DP said he wanted to punch me and mimed it. And he’s not even sorry? He seems to want to use violence to make sure you act the way he wants.

carla1983 · 13/06/2019 12:06

OP, you might want to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft who worked extensively with abusive men. See if you recognise your other half in it.

Quartz2208 · 13/06/2019 12:50

This is about power and control

Do you have kids if not I would run!

MyInnerAlto · 13/06/2019 13:03

So he considers himself entitled to belittle, hurt and humiliate you whenever he likes, but the minute you stop passively putting up with it and give as good as you get, he's full of righteous indignation. Because in his mind, he's allowed to do that to you, but woe betide you if you do it back to him. The slaps and the comments about your 'mother's side' coming out follow exactly the same pattern. I bet there are other things that go the same way, too. It's pure coercive control. He is actively treating you as an object to humiliate.

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 13:17

Op he is using the "playful" slaps as a way to hurt and control you while he portrays it as a joke. You've told him to stop and he's ignored you, which he should have done even if it didn't hurt. I don't believe that this last assault was an accident either, from the way he reacted.
His anger at you hitting back - which is a natural and instinctive response - shows that he thinks it's ok to stomp all over your boundaries, but god forbid you respond in self defence. Ignore any posters calling double standards here, you did nothing wrong by hitting back against this abuse.

Treesthemovie · 13/06/2019 13:24

Also, him being difficult with you for a month over one comment about his mother - is he extremely close with his mum/family to the extent you're a lower priority? This is what I found with my abusive ex who used the same "playful" hitting tactics along with his family being above criticism, no matter how poorly they treated me.
Even if this is not the case, he sees it as ok to insult you and your mum, but not his mum - another double standard.

BlingLoving · 13/06/2019 13:26

OP, I am a big believer that relationships are complicated. But this is not okay. For context, DH once did the twirly tea towel thing and flicked it at me as a joke. It hit my arm and it HURT. I was furious and told him he'd hit me and hurt me. He was mortified, said it was a joke and he didn't mean to hurt me and has never ever done anything like it again.

I'm sorry you're in this place where the scales are falling from your eyes. He attacked you and you lashed out so frankly, I'm not feeling terribly sorry for him that you hit him. Don't let anyone tell you that you are abusive because you defended yourself when someone attacked you from behind and you reacted accordingly.

Missillusioned · 13/06/2019 13:33

Bullshit are there double standards. I can guarantee he wouldn't try this stuff with another man, because he'd have been subject to physical retaliation long ago.

Slapping someone in reaction to being hit is perfectly normal in the spur of the moment. Hitting someone unprovoked when you've been told not to isn't.