DH and I just hit each other

[namechanged4u]

DH and I were having a chat about an hour ago while I was folding blankets on the sofa before we went up to bed. DH came up behind me and smacked me on what I'm assuming he meant to be the bum, but he missed and got me in a bit of an odd spot above and to the side. He hit me hard. It really hurt, and it made a massive cracking sound. I didn't see him do it and I was shocked and I saw red. I spun around and smacked him back in the face. DH then started shouting at me, told me never to hit him again, that if I did he would punch me in the face. I was also saying to him not to hit me again, that he had really hurt me. He mimed punching me in the face, I'm not sure if he was trying to scare me or he was going to really do it and caught himself.

DH does this all the time, he'll smack me on the bum and say he was just messing around. But it hurts me. We're pretty even height and weight wise (I weigh about a stone more than him, and we're both 5ft10") but he's ridiculously strong. I've tried telling him to stop doing it, explaining that he doesn't know his own strength and it actually hurts me. Sometimes it leaves red prints behind he does it so hard. Also today, when he hit me it kind of made me jump/try to move out of the way and I twisted my knee as I was stood on the rug, and that's killing me now (I've been having some prior issues with it).

I feel absolutely awful now though, I hate that I hit him back like that. I was just so, so angry and I flipped out. I hate that I hit him. I really want to go upstairs and apologise and beg him to forgive me, but then part of me also thinks that he should be the one to apologise to me, because he hit me first. But I doubt he'd ever do that. I did go upstairs and ask if he wanted to talk about it about 20 minutes ago, but he said no.

I wouldn't mind the occasional flirty bum smacking type of thing but I think what upsets me the most is I've told him he hurts me, and he just seemed to put all his force into it.

I don't want to break up with him, we've been together for 15 years and I love him and he's a good husband. He has been really tired and stressed with work lately and he was in a bad mood today, so I think that he just won't have meant to do it as hard as he did?

I'm devastated and don't know what to do.

Not only did he threaten to punch you, he MIMED punching you. He was intimidating you. He is physically and emotionally abusive and manipulative. You are trapped in the sunk cost fallacy i.e, I've been with him x number of years, i can't leave him. Yes, yes you CAN leave him and should leave him.

It sounds as if there are all sorts of subtle and not so subtle bully tactics going on - you probably don't even realise, as you're so used to it.
Have a good think about his treatment of you generally, and you'll see, I think, that the bum slapping is just part of a much bigger picture.

Thank you for all your replies. I'm going to go to bed now, I'm absolutely exhausted. Will pop back on in the morning.

Not the same level of seriousness, I know, but your thread brought to mind a memory.

A few years ago, a male friend took to saying hello to me (and other women) by kind of grabbing/tickling their waists from behind. Hard to describe, not painful, but made us jump and turn around instantly. He liked that it ended whatever chat/activity we were doing, and started one with him. He was not a twat generally, but it was a twat move.

One day I was wearing a cropped top, and his hands did it on skin. I whirled around, and in a split-second decision, let my natural reaction go unchecked. Turns out the natural reaction (the animal one) is to push back firmly, with a balled fist. To the balls. Surprised us both, but him more so. I smiled and apologised to him, as he lay rocking in the foetal position. He never did it again, to anyone.

I don’t condone violence, and I know my reaction was purely physical and instant. But sometimes letting that happen achieves what a million words can’t. Shock can be very educational. With kids they call it discipline by ‘natural consequences’, don’t they?

One way or another you brought this (real, ongoing) issue to a head. That’s not a bad thing. Stop beating yourself up over your part. If he’d tried this nonsense with mates at the pub, he’d have been dissuaded far earlier, and far more painfully.

It’s not his intention that counts, it’s whether your reaction is to find a gesture loving or playful. If you don’t, then it wasn’t. End of.

And pulling a punch on you is very close to unforgivable. Concentrate on that, and nothing else, in your discussions with him. Personally, I’d pack a bag and head off to a friend’s for a few days. Can’t bear sulking contests. Leave him to think about it, he’ll soon realise he can’t talk about it to anyone else cos it really makes him look bad. His self-righteousness will fade, don’t discuss it with him until it does. Tell him only that if he’s lucky you won’t tell the family- his and yours.

Good luck.

This awful attitude of your husband sounds worrying,and you seem to be not that confident of getting through to him about things that are really concerning for you. You may try and confront him, but sounds like he always has the upper hand all the time..

I suppose that you will have to weigh up all the things that may have happened.maybe like this incident.over the last fifteen years, and try and deal with it somehow.to suit yourself of course!

I bet there loads more stuff like this he does. You just haven't joined it all together yet.

He sounds horrible.
Be ready OP, in the morning he’s going to blame you for hitting him, he’ll turn it round so you’re the abusive one not him. He might even threaten police etc.
He’s manipulative and nasty. Please don’t stay with him.
The miming punching you? It’ll be for real next time. And he’ll say you made him do it.
I’m sorry I’ve been there too.

He's not being playful, he's being aggressive
You've told him that he's hurting you and he carries on, so he doesn't care that he hurts you
Don't stay with him until he actually punches you in the face

It sounds like this is not the only abusive thing going on in the relationship. And yes, hitting you so hard it makes marks while pretending it's in fun, despite your protests, is abusive.

He sounds unpleasant OP, I’m sorry.
Also, how do you know he ‘missed’ hitting you on the less painful area and perhaps he purposely hit you where he did ?
It wouldn’t do any harm to look at his behaviour and your relationship more objectively. He sounds quite nasty and bitter. It’s never healthy when someone purposely goads you.
Good luck, you will need it with this man I think

I also bet there is a pattern of behaviour here. He sounds cruel.

No good man would have hurt you in the first place, no good man would have been surprised by your retaliating, no good man would have threatened you and mimed punching you in the face

He is clearly ramping up the violence and you need to get out before he carries out his threat. Because he will, he's opened the door to it

There's nothing playful or romantic about hitting someone so hard that it leaves red marks, especially if you've been asked to stop. The business with the mimed punch is outright intimidation and does not bode well for the future.

Add to that the additional information about him sulking whenever you fall out and it doesn't sound like you're having a good time in this relationship. You do realise that by reacting like that he's "training" you not to dare to disagree with him?

Cruel is exactly the word for him.

He's abusive.
Hitting you hard as a 'joke' is abusive. You know that. He likes hurting you and he doesn't want to stop.
I'm not surprised you hit him back tbh. You were hurt out of nowhere and he's been doing it for years - hitting back is a fairly predictable response. His threats to punch you in the face are more abuse.
Then you say he ignores and punishes you when you step out of line?
Do you want this for the rest of your life?

So, he's been goading you by comparing you unfavourably to a relative...

He's continuously smacked you, even though you told him to stop.

You were so on edge that you finally pushed back.

His behaviour is so not right. Yours wasn't either, but he's been pushing your boundaries for ages now, and of course you retaliated. You've been extremely patient.

If your reaction upsets you, then certainly apologise, but follow up with a serious conversation about his behaviour.

But I'm wondering, why us it ok in the relationship for you to be hurt, and disrespected, but its NOT ( sez him)ok for you to have firm boundaries?

Absolutely awful OP. Sounds like you've just got used to the low level abuse and it is escalating. Well done for posting. Please listen to everyone. This guy won't change.

Apart from hitting when he feels like it, the constant drip drip about disliking your family is pretty nasty.

Do you have children? Does he look for family characteristics in them too?

He's abusive. Physically and emotionally. Do you often find yourself walking on eggshells or modifying your behaviour so as to not upset him and then have to deal with the sulking?

Also, please consider op that when he hit you first, he didn't accidentally miss your bum (which is unacceptable anyway) but instead hit you on your side intentionally to abuse you.

Be wary of him. He is escalating his violence against you, is emotionally and physically abusive and wants to control you.

I’ve been there and got that t-shirt. The way you treat things like isolated incidents and then downgrade then even further, by rationalising them. Which distracts you from the blindingly obvious pattern of disrespect and disregard.

I remember the epiphany when my Ex grabbed me by the throat and several hours later made jokes about me drinking through a straw because I said my throat hurt. ‘Making jokes’ was always his way of dealing with his embarrassment but the need to make himself feel better about his behaviour took precedent over my pain. I didn’t want to end it but I knew I wouldn’t collude in his belittlement of my feelings.

It doesn't sound like you have DC, so if you do have anywhere to go for a few days, go. Parent, friend, hotel even if you have the money. You need some space to think and not to be subjected to his bullshit "punishment" for defending yourself.

I too get the feeling that there is a lot of belittlement, manipulation, and physical and emotional violence under the facade of how you think about this relationship. The hitting, the sulking, the goading and criticising, the not giving a shit about your feelings, it's all of a piece.

So it wasn't too bad this morning, he didn't apologise but he also wasn't funny with me. I've decided to let it go while I figure out what to do going forward.

I could barely sleep last night thinking everything through. I never thought of my relationship as abusive but looking back over our relationship with a new perspective has been quite scary, if I'm honest.

I'm terrified at the thought of moving forward, this man is everything I have ever known and it seems like it would be impossible to leave, especially because I work for his company and so I would be leaving my job too.

So that's me this morning. I don't want to leave but equally don't want to stay.

I'd have a serious calm chat later and point out that you've told him you don't like it and ask what was going through his mind to think it was acceptable continuing it. I'd point out that you are having serious doubts about the relationship now and make him realise that he's over stepped the mark. In other words I'd completely lay down my boundaries, including other areas like the comparing to the relatives. Then it's up to him.

If he starts kicking off then walk away. Don't be drawn into an argument, calmly explain that he is illustrating your point and he's making the decision easier for you.

If he agrees that he's been unreasonable then I'd watch and see. Now your eyes have been opened then you might notice a lot of other behaviors that you haven't before.

In the meantime I'd start redoing your CV and keep an eye out for other job opportunities. You could change job without actually leaving him if necessary, as an insurance policy.

Seriously OP do you have anywhere to go for a few days? It doesn't have to be a dramatic declaration or a permanent commitment but a serious incident undeniably occurred between the two of you and you need time to think without him there. Surely you see that you can't pretend like this didn't happen. You don't have to tell the person you're staying with what happened, just that you need space. You can text/email him from work to tell him and that you need to think about what happened and want him not to contact you for 24/48hrs.

I would also recommend you download "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and see if it strikes any chords with you.

He’s a bully and an abuser.

You must leave.

Do you have children?