What to do about our living situation?

[TheValleyGirl]

I've put this in relationships, although it does cross over into other topics, as ultimately it's about trying to make the right decision in mine and DP's lives right now.

I am feeling paralysed by a choice I'm trying to make and need some sensible advice. Just to point out my DP is supportive of whatever I choose to do. Ultimately he just wants me to be happy.

Currently we live apart - about two hours' drive from each other - so only see each other at weekends. However, our plan is to be together and start a family at some point - we are both very certain of this and completely on the same page. As we're both 39 we don't have time to hang around so we are keen to get on with it.

I am very keen to move in with him - we have plans to extend his house and can't wait to get going with this, along with our plans for children!

However, I am torn about what to do about my job. It pays pretty well for the role I do and I would have a really good maternity package. Commuting from his wouldn't be an option - about three hours' drive in rush hour - so I'd have to stay where I am in my expensive rented place (which leaves me no spare cash at the end of the month - so I'm pretty much just existing here). My job is fine, but I wouldn't say I love it anymore - I can mostly do it standing on my head - but the people are nice and it's a good company to work for.

I've looked around at other similar jobs near to where my DP lives, signed up with recruitment agencies etc but nothing has come up yet that appeals or I am suited to. I should mention I had a couple of very traumatic years before I met my wonderful DP (my previous DP was incredibly abusive towards me and then took his own life) so I don't cope well in very stressful situations and really just want a job with good work-life balance. In a nutshell, being happy and enjoying my life is the most important thing to me!

My DP agrees with this and has been so encouraging of me - he even said I could just leave my job, move to his (I have to give 2 months notice on my rented place anyhow) and then look for something - he earns enough to support both of us for a while but I am so used to being independent (and in my last relationship I was the only earner for a while) that I am uneasy about this. I am also worried that it is harder to find a job when you're not in one.

So I feel a bit stuck and don't know what to do! Financially I can't carry on living where I am for much longer anyway, to say it's crippling my financially would be an understatement - my ex DP left me in quite a mess unfortunately - so I do need to make a decision one way or another.

@RantyAnty we've been together for eight months. It's not a huge amount of time but things are very stable in our relationship, we are 100% committed to each other, have the same life goals and values, know each other's friends and families well. We take it in turns to travel to each other's house every weekend, but it's getting us both down - it's all great apart from the distance between us

Agree with @oreoxoreo
Get married
Have a baby
Move while on maternity leave

Also :-Look for a part time job that fits in around your family. I had to give up a very well paid job when the second baby came along, because it wasn't flexible enough for me and a long commute.

Can you suggest to your partner a wedding and quick baby making? As your age may make it difficult to conceive if you leave it any longer.

@oreoxoreo and @Beautiful3 I am inclined to think you might be right. This is weighing on my mind and really want to make the right choice for both our sakes.

You need to make the right decision for yourself and any baby you have. Not for “us” He has far more options and flexibility then you. However he isn’t going to adjust his life or take on any risk.

Your job is your only security at the moment. It provides income, accrued benefits (you won’t get in a new job) and independence.

If you give up your job and move in with him you won’t save £1000 a month until you get a job. If you get pregnant then eventually that income will be lost or you will have expensive childcare.

If you current home is too big and too expensive then downsize. Don’t give up your independence for a man you have known for 8 months and who isn’t going to sacrifice anything for you.

Don't move into his, quit your job and have a baby with him unless you're married. If he loves you and wants to have children with you, then get married first. Otherwise keep your house and your job or you're putting yourself at risk. Many many men are lovely until they have you trapped. Not saying he's going to be like that, but protect yourself.

I agree with @bbbear. Even taking a lower paid job near your boyfriend would mean you are financially better off than where you are at the moment. And it sounds like it would be good for you to move away from where you are due to bad memories of your current place.

@LemonTT I'm not sure where you've got the impression from that he wouldn't give up anything for me. He really would and is an incredibly thoughtful and kind person. He actually suggested we could rent/buy somewhere together closer to where I work. It was me that wasn't keen as I prefer the area where he lives.

But he isn’t giving up anything for you. Even if he moves he will be buying the house, he has the wealth to do this. You don’t.

It's not a competition of who has the most. And although I do need to be cautious, I don't doubt his commitment. I don't think he'd drive a 5 hour round trip several weekends in a row (yes, he comes to me more than I go to his) if he wasn't in it for the long haul. Yes he has more security than me but we are adults not teenagers so we have discussed this and have been very open about all of this - we are nearly 40 not 14

Getting married, pregnant and financially dependent within 8 months of seeing somebody for 8-10 days in that time, so about 64-80 days in total - around two and a bit months of actual contact time - is NOT normal.

Sounds a bit 'lovebomb-y' to me, actually.

Do not give up anything until you’ve got a ring on your finger. If you move and give up your job then you are totally vulnerable. Married first then baby. Do it properly and safely OP.

Just wanted to say I am gratefully taking on board all of the advice I've received here. I think we both feel that we're not getting any younger and if this is something we both want, then we don't have time on our side. The thought of me/us not being able to have children is quite hard.

You really need to get married if you intend to take up his offer to give up your job and move in with him.

Otherwise you're completely up shit creek if the relationship fails.

I think you should keep firmly in mind the pros and cons if for whatever reason, it doesn't work out for you two long term.

You may absolutely go the distance and have a brilliant, happier and more financially secure future together but eight months really isn't long at all, especially if you've been doing lovely weekends rather than living in each others pockets.

It's great to be positive and in love, just be careful and keep your head firmly screwed on too

And it is all very fast and intense, especially given your history with an abusive partner (sorry, but a lot of people get drawn into similarly abusive relationships afterwards), so it's a bit of a red flag. Although I understand the biological clock is a driver here. I'd be careful about becoming dependent on someone you've known less than a year.

Can you move into a much smaller and cheaper place near your job? That can be Stage 1 of the big plan. Don't have to do it all at once. Alternatively can he rent out his house and you rent somewhere together half way - again, as a temporary option. You can always move back into his house later. Do it in sensible stages, not so fast that you make yourself vulnerable.

The fact still stands that he doesn't plan on giving up anything for you, whereas you will be giving up everything for him; your home, your job, your independence.

At the moment, a man you met eight months ago has promised to love you, marry you, have children with you and live with you. What has he done so far? More to the point, what does he stand to lose if you move in with him? Nothing. Who is paying for your relocation costs? Has he committed to a certain period of fully supporting you financially if you can't get a job? What form will that support take? £1,000 transferred to your own bank account each month or will you have to ask him for everything you need to buy? If you can't have children, don't get a job and continue to depend on him, does he have life/critical illness insurance to provide for you? Has he named you in his will?

I get how exciting it all is in the honeymoon period but be very careful you're not putting yourself into a dangerously precarious position with a man you hardly know.

You won’t be entitled to mat leave until you have served a while in a new job. In your shoes I would ttc, then when you go on mat leave move onto partners then after mat leave return for minimum then resign. You won’t get maternity leave pay straight away in s new job

Couldn’t agree more with unburnished

You sound utterly love-bombed and liable to making poor, hasty decisions. Please think carefully about what you are sacrificing here.

The rules on mat leave aren't all that onerous - broadly, as long as you have started the job before you get pregnant you will get mat pay.

If you do have a baby, your current job is going to be completely unsustainable afterwards. I understand the bio clock thing and the fact that it all feels very secure emotionally, but the fact is you haven't even tried living together yet so it is wise to look to be circumspect. If you are committed to having a baby, your current job doesn't have that much value to you going forward.

I would advising pushing for finding a "good enough" job near to his house. That will give you a solid basis that you can return to after mat leave. Maybe give yourself a year to find something, and really work at it. It's massively easier to go back to a previous job than to find a new one after mat leave. I think "investing" in a new job now will give you the best chance of building a solid life in your new home.

8 months!!!

Slow down for god sake.

Eight months isn’t very long- especially since it has just been weekends. Leaving your own place, leaving your decent job, moving to another area, living in someone else’s house, getting pregnant quickly, etc.- it sounds like you are rushing into something that could end badly for you.

I just wanted to come back and update that today I got offered a fantastic new job! I actually came across it by chance and it was too good to be true in terms of matching my quite unusual skill set.

After a pretty gruelling interview process (three interviews and a couple of assignments) I heard today that I got it! And the best bit is it's 100% home-based so I get to work wherever I like - so DP and I can carry on living apart for the next few months, I can spend long weekends at his when I like, and we can take it from there with a view to moving in together eventually. Then, if we do decide to move in together properly it's not such an upheaval for me work-wise.

Gutted I have no gin left as really could have done with a celebratory one tonight!

Please listen to pps who have mentioned marriage.

If you are too scared to rock the boat by insisting on marriage before you have babies then this is not the wonderful relationship you think it is.

The fact that you say am very keen to move in with him - we have plans to extend his house and can't wait to get going with this, along with our plans for children! without stopping to think that it is HIS house not OUR house that you are planning to put your money and energy into, shows you are not really being sensible.

Congratulations OP! Please get married and get your name on the mortgage / house before you start trying for a baby.