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Original poster

Feeling really uneasy about this revelation from ex-boyfriend

45 replies

LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 05:59

Hi, I'm just hoping for some perspective...

I got back in contact with my first ever boyfriend on facebook the other day. I have always had fond memories of our time together, I was 15 and he was 16. One thing that had always annoyed me about him was that he told everyone that we had slept together, when we hadn't.

We were exchanging messages, having a bit of banter and I brought it up, said he was a jerk for telling ppl I lost my virginity to him when I didn't. His response has me feeling sick.

He told me we did sleep together, one night when we were both really drunk and I had stayed at his house. I remember the night he was talking about, but thought we had just messed around, not had sex. I told him that I have no recollection of having sex with him and he said he was 'pretty sure we did'.

I would just brush this off as him trying to save face for his previous lies, but when I did lose my virginity a few years later I remember thinking it was weird that there was no blood (sorry TMI !).

So basically I'm freaking out that my first boyfriend took advantage of me when I was too drunk to consent/passed out and I feel sick at the thought and so so sad for my 15 year old naive and foolish self for getting in that situation.

But, could he just be lying about it still because we have mutual friends and doesn't want to admit that he lied all those years ago? He's either a liar or a possible rapist so deleted him straight away and have just been feeling dirty and gross ever since. I'm even considering being hypnotised so find out if we did have sex and I was too drunk to remember, but not sure if that would even work?!

Argh, hoping for some clarity. Thanks for reading x

OP posts:
SardineJam · 12/06/2019 06:03

I never had any bleeding when I lost my virginity...

SimonJT · 12/06/2019 06:06

Surely you would be able to tell the next morning if you have had sex? I have had drunken can’t remember sex many times, I only know as I could feel I had the next day.

Thatnameistaken · 12/06/2019 06:10

Me neither, blood isn't a given. It's highly possible that he's just being an arsehole about it.

Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 06:10

Ok, hopefully he is just a liar then!! That makes me feel better sardine

OP posts:
Shequakes · 12/06/2019 06:10

Delete him.

Maybe try and find out.

But it is possible just saving face. I didnt bleed the first time I had sex. That's not evidence of anything, so dont take that as proof.

Also to be honest, I remember lying to my mates boyfriend for her. Something small but he was a total dick and didnt like her going to a certain club as he ex worked in the doors there. He knew our group of friends had gone there. Me and her told him when had got a takevaway and gone home and watched a movie.

A few months ago I mentioned this to my friend, how we went home and how it wasnt like us and what a dick he was for making her feel like that and stopping us having a good night. She reminded me that it was a total lie and we went to the club.

Somewhere in my head over the years, I convinced myself that we had gone home. It's odd, like my brain forced me to believe the lie and created a memory that didnt exist.

I am not saying he didnt do this. I am saying there is a chance he is saving face, or so invested in the lie, he now believes it years later. "Pretty sure we did" sounds like something someone would say if they arent sure or trying to hide a lie. Theres obviously the chance this did happen.

How you move forward is up to you and wether you think it will help you.

But dont speak to him again.

Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 06:12

Thanks for your comments, I think I would have definitely known if we had, I was a virgin. Thinking he's just a massive liar. That's a relief!

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 12/06/2019 06:13

Even he isnt sure he said he is pretty sure you had sex

How long ago was this?

Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 06:15

shequakes I did think that maybe I tried to block it out, but I definitely would have told my best friends if we did sleep together - but I didn't. Therefore as far as I was concerned we never did.

So thinking he is probably believing his lies cos he did tell everyone we slept together and now probably believes it himself.

It was 15 years ago

OP posts:
category12 · 12/06/2019 06:16

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I don't think he'd lie about it now?

If you had a blackout, then I don't honestly believe you can recover memories - as I understand it, the alcohol blocks your short term memory from storing anything at the time, so there's nothing to find? I'd be very wary of perhaps creating false memories if you used a hypnotist.

If your gut feeling is he's telling the truth and it makes sense to you, then speak to Rape Crisis or similar to come to terms with what happened.

category12 · 12/06/2019 06:18

X-posted. Sounds like lying is more likely, so that's good.

LellyMcKelly · 12/06/2019 06:20

If he knew you had he would have been much more confident. ‘Pretty sure we did’ just sounds like you backed him into a corner and that was his get out clause. You’d have talked about it at the time too if it had happened. It sounds like he was a creep then and he’s a creep now.

CryptoFascist · 12/06/2019 06:22

It was many years ago and he probably doesn't remember clearly. You know when you first had sex. Not everyone bleeds the first time, I didn't either. P.s. he sounds like a bit of a knob.

Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 06:27

That's what I was thinking, why have sex once, never talk about it and never do it again!?

OP posts:
ClementineSalad · 12/06/2019 06:31

Sometimes if people tell a lie often enough it becomes true to them as they lose the ability to unpick what happened with what they imagine happened

user1493413286 · 12/06/2019 06:32

The fact that he’s saying “he’s pretty sure” makes it sound odd and like he’s trying to make himself believe it. He may even believe it now or won’t want to lose face after all this time.

mumto2babyboys · 12/06/2019 06:39

Really odd because unless he has a micro penis you would have felt sore the next day and maybe for days after having sex for the first time

Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 06:40

Thanks so much for all your comments, I'm thinking that he is believing his own lies and that it never happened. Feeling a lot better about it all.... I honestly never thought we had sex and I didn't think I passed out that night.

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 06:42

mumto2 it was fairly microscopic so that doesn't help clear things up much....

OP posts:
Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 12/06/2019 07:10

I agree that he is believing his own lies. Once you start having sex,my ou keep on doing it - he definitely would have mentioned it to you if it actually happened. He just wanted his friends to believe he wasn't a virgin.

Big mistake to get back in touch with old boyfriends and go raking up the past. I would let the friendship die away now.

Loveislandaddict · 12/06/2019 07:17

I didn’t bleed first time.

Maybe he classed heavy petting/intimacy as sex, and you mean going ‘all the way’. Therefore, perhaps you are both right.

Hope you are alright.

Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 07:18

I definitely will let the friendship go, it was a big mistake, Ive been feeling awful for days, since I spoke to him!

OP posts:
Original poster
LillyPillly · 12/06/2019 07:19

loveis unfortunately no, he definitely means sex

OP posts:
jellybean85 · 12/06/2019 07:25

To be honest I think the night is a drunken blur and after all this time he's sort of convinced himself. I didn't bleed after my first time but definitely knew it happened the next day and my lovely teenage boyfriend wasn't exactly well endowed Grin
Is there a reason you're still in touch? Maybe just let the friendship die after all these years

pineapplebryanbrown · 12/06/2019 07:31

I have a lie my sister and I told when we were teenagers so as not to get any hassle from our parents (how I got a scar). We were chatting the other week and she told me she was recounting the fake story to someone. She had grown to believe/remember our lie over the years until I reminded her. He initially lied to people and it's somehow got mixed in his memory bank.

PsuedoSatisfactionBaby · 12/06/2019 07:33

What a total jerk...and I hope you dont think I’m being over dramatic here...but he’s effectively just told you that he raped you and seems to think that’s ok? I’d be tempted to take it further. Flowers for you OP. What a terrible person he is regardless of what actually happened.