Feeling really uneasy about this revelation from ex-boyfriend

[LillyPillly]

Hi, I'm just hoping for some perspective...

I got back in contact with my first ever boyfriend on facebook the other day. I have always had fond memories of our time together, I was 15 and he was 16. One thing that had always annoyed me about him was that he told everyone that we had slept together, when we hadn't.

We were exchanging messages, having a bit of banter and I brought it up, said he was a jerk for telling ppl I lost my virginity to him when I didn't. His response has me feeling sick.

He told me we did sleep together, one night when we were both really drunk and I had stayed at his house. I remember the night he was talking about, but thought we had just messed around, not had sex. I told him that I have no recollection of having sex with him and he said he was 'pretty sure we did'.

I would just brush this off as him trying to save face for his previous lies, but when I did lose my virginity a few years later I remember thinking it was weird that there was no blood (sorry TMI !).

So basically I'm freaking out that my first boyfriend took advantage of me when I was too drunk to consent/passed out and I feel sick at the thought and so so sad for my 15 year old naive and foolish self for getting in that situation.

But, could he just be lying about it still because we have mutual friends and doesn't want to admit that he lied all those years ago? He's either a liar or a possible rapist so deleted him straight away and have just been feeling dirty and gross ever since. I'm even considering being hypnotised so find out if we did have sex and I was too drunk to remember, but not sure if that would even work?!

Argh, hoping for some clarity. Thanks for reading x

I didn't bleed with my first time.

Could it be that you guys messed around, and got close enough for him to (ahem) finish. Perhaps it was a bigger event in his head, and he is just remembering differently?

That explains it then!

Why not finish the friendship by telling him you remember how exactly small his penis is and it was great to catch up, has he heard about the latest procedures and techniques in penis enlargement, send him a link to penis enlargement too!

I mean he told everyone you weren't a virgin and you don't sound like you agreed to lose your virginity you were just young and drunk if it did or didn't happen.

If you had used tampons or even some sports you can break the hymen (that causes slight bleeding). As to whether he took advantage of you, he may, but you may have consented and don't remember, if he had been drinking too and it was a drunken fumble I don't think it's rape. Many of us, me included have been in that situation and years later aren't proud but I know I can't hold the man to a higher standard than myself when we were both drunk

Really don't worry about it - you are getting worked up about nothing because:

Point Number 1: It is completely inconceivable no matter how drunk you were that AGED 15 you would have sex for the first time and not remember it. We are not talking about a rohypnol situation here. You were 15 and drunk. You would totally remember.

Point Number 2: It is far important for a boy/man at that age to lose his virginity - especially if he is in a peer pressure situation. It is much more likely that it suited his narrative to believe he had sex even if it was just "messing around".

Point Number 3: He comment "pretty sure" is very equivocal. You wouldn't get a beyond reasonable doubt conviction on that basis. How can you be "pretty sure"? You are either 100% definite or not. It fits with a narrative of a 15 year old boy having a crack at some dry humping or similar - with or without clothes - and believing it is sex (proably a bit simplistic but you know what I mean).

Point Number 4: Bleeding when losing viriginity is the mythical stuff of Victoriana. Most women won't have this because the hymen is likely to be stretched or ruptured by - amongst other things tampons, pre-sex "messing around" including fingers or dildos etc being inserted sorry, or strenuous physical activity.

Really put your mind at rest this is very VERY obviously a man who either made it up to be a big man on campus and stuck with the lie, or convinced himself it was true or genuinely believed he'd done something he hadn't because he didn't understand what sex was or what it felt like you know what I mean!

I think you are all right, that he is believing his lie after all these years.
We only caught up on facebook a couple of days ago, haven't spoken for 15 years until then... think I'll keep it that way. I have deleted him.

Oh he's lying!

Pity you've deleted him as a good reply would have been:

'LOL. If I were you I'd think that one through before you go on about it any more. I'm supposed to have lost my virginity to you and I can't even remember it and didn't even feel anything the next day apparently? We both must know you weren't exactly the biggest I've ever got close with but not even I would have been so mean as to spread a rumour like that! Cop on mate '

Sounds like a bit of drunken, teenage, wishful thinking on his part.

I wouldn't think it was true for a minute.

Such a relief! I totally remember the night in question, and I know we messed around, but was thinking I must have passed out and then he took advantage! I would prefer for him to be a liar than a rapist any day. Can't believe he is still sticking to the story, but I'm guessing he might believe it now as some of you have suggested. So glad I wrote this post because my stomach was literally in knots for days freaking out about it!

I suspect there is a lot going on with this one. To start, a couple of teenagers, both really drunk, neither actually remembering what happened, societal pressure on the girl to not have sex, societal pressure on the boy to have sex. The next day, neither really know what happened so each fell on the side of society. Here we are, 15 years later, reliving the event after an il-advised recontact over social media, actual memories clouded, reinforced attempting to find some sort of actual truth.

At the risk of coming off as minimizing your feelings, have you considered why this is still bothering you so much as you described the relationship as one with fond memories? Why is it still causing you to "freak out" to the point of considering hypnosis? Is that "freak out" like seemingly random panic and anxiety attack "freak out, or internet "freak out" because Selena Gomez adopted a puppy? Is it more a matter of principle, or has this had a tangible negative impact on your life? Aside from what you have described here, has this been a triggering event for you in other, unrelated situations?

Well I know, (and it’s documented!), that my ex will still categorically state that some things never happened (even after shown proof that they did and it’s not just my “memory playing up”).

But she’s told the lie so many times that it’s the truth to her now.

Gaslighting - a game anyone can play.

Is it possible he just doesn’t remember? To be honest, I do vaguely remember people I’ve slept with (though sometimes I forget a few), but I really couldn’t remember details of what else I’ve done with people 15 years ago! It’s possible he told a lie back then to make himself look cool at 16 and now he remembers it as what actually happened.

it's like Summer Lovin!

fwiw, i think he's lying too, inexperience and bravado, so he's not going to back down now after all these years and admit to a drunken fumble and being a forgettable disappointment!

If you were both really drunk, maybe he can't really remember the details either and preferred to think you had sex to boost his ego/image with his mates? Either way there's nothing to be gained by worrying about it now.

samyear it wasn't bothering me until i spoke to him and a few days ago and said 'why were you a jerk all those years ago and told ppl that we slept together when we didn't!?' (or something along those lines) and this reply was 'yeah we did...pretty sure we did sleep together'. That's what freaked me out! I hadn't thought about it until then.

I'd go back and ask him if he's saying that he raped you.

Because if he did have sex with you when you were out of it, that's exactly what he did.

Either way, he's a complete bastard.

I might have been inclined to point out to him that he is either a liar or a rapist. I know i would rather be a liar.

He’s being a dick! Sorry about the pun!

No blood here where virginity concerned, old wives tale for some!

Just blank him!

Was he also drunk op? Because "pretty sure we did" doesn't mean we absolutely did. You were both very young and I'm guessing wasted.

It's highly possible you had a black out, or he did, and both of your recollections of rhe night is flawed. Doesn't mean anyone is a liar or a rapist

I'd just let it go tbh, neither of you clearly remember and memories get skewed over time

This is why 15 and 16 year olds shouldn't get " really drunk"

A black out is when your brain stops forming memories. You can still act as normally as you were five mins before hand, but simply not be making memories due to excessive alcohol consumption. There is no way to look at someone and know that point.

As such, you could have consented to sex and not recalled it. And him being sixteen wouldn't have known you didn't consent, as he was also drunk and would have no way to know you'd stopped making memories if you were still going with it.

Or he was so drunk he blacked out, and he can't recall and simply thought you both had when you hadn't. Because he was too drunk to remember too.

As neither of you can actually remember, then I'm not sure I'd be allocating fault here to one party. You were kids and off your heads.neither of you had a solid recollection of it.

It's likely you didn't, but it's possible you did consensually. I think to label him a liar and a rapist because uou were both off your heads and neither can remember is not really ok.