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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not told anyone about me

52 replies

onetiredmum · 11/06/2019 14:42

OK. Here I am again.... Eugh!

OK so I've been seeing a nice guy for about 6/7 weeks. And last weekend we were supposed to be spending the weekend together. We spend Friday night together and it's all lovely but he changes his mind and makes plans with his friends instead... Im not invited.

I don't have my children so thought it would be a good weekend for us to 'get aquainted'

Anyway he says he will come round Sunday night instead when my kids are there... Then never turns up!

I ask... 'have you told your friends and family about me at all?'..... No is his answer.

So I message him yesterday asking how he felt about me and I just wanted to know where I stand. He asks to call me later...

I get a message saying he'll call me after his tea and shower..... I then don't hear fr him until this morning saying he's sorry he fell asleep?!

When I say look I'm done.... He tells me he is interested but he's scared of commitment?!

Wtf do I do? I'm a 40yo woman and thought I knew how to deal with this. Any help from anyone would be so good right now x

OP posts:
managedmis · 11/06/2019 17:07

What everyone said

Namechangeishard · 11/06/2019 17:16

Block him. Move on.

MaeveDidIt · 11/06/2019 20:50

Tbh I'm surprised you have to ask!
Very shoddy behaviour.
Block him - definitely no explanation necessary.

Sally2791 · 11/06/2019 21:38

Get rid.

happybunny007 · 11/06/2019 21:53

You were going to let him come round when your kids were there?!!! Seriously?

Pikapikachooo · 11/06/2019 22:15

Dump him before he dumps you
It’s ending regardless OP . So try and just cut it now and walk away with your pride intact

Easy to say , not so easy to do Flowers

Surfingtheweb · 11/06/2019 22:30

Last minute change of plans.. In my experience you are not the only woman he is seeing.

TheMistressQuickly · 11/06/2019 22:50

Block!

AgentJohnson · 13/06/2019 08:59

Do you really want to waste time on someone who makes promises he knows he won’t keep? You are dating and dating is the process of seeing if you are compatible and you and this guy clearly aren’t.

Myheartbelongsto · 13/06/2019 10:34

Aat this stage my boyfriend and I saw each other every spare minute we had. He used to pick me up from work every day!

I'd be leaving his house and he'd be asking when I'm coming back and I'd say as soon as I've put the kids to bed and I'd be straight back.

Find one like that op, you deserve it.

Scorpvenus1 · 13/06/2019 10:38

just leave him be

he isn't worth the hassle and just replace his ass.

I'm afraid he is just not into you, and as for the so called nice guys, spoiler alert. They aint lol

RantyAnty · 13/06/2019 10:47

Delete and block
He's an arse

Bluerussian · 13/06/2019 11:22

I don't believe it is unreasonable for mature people to be wary of commitment after only seeing someone 6/7 weeks. Nothing wrong with taking it slow, far better than making a mistake. Perhaps you should cool it a bit, op, not be 'needy' & enjoy your life without him.

PlinkPlink · 13/06/2019 11:49

God. Ditch ditch ditch.

He can't even show up for a phone call? How fucking non-committal can you be?

Does not bode well and should be your signal to say 'ta-ta'. Don't waste time on him, he clearly doesn't want to spend any time with you.

Find a nice bloke who actively shows you he's interested, who can commit to phoning at the time he says he will and who will stick to plans.

Good luck OP, keep your standards high, never compromise xx

supercali77 · 13/06/2019 12:10

@ Bluerussian The 'needy' term being bandied about in the early stages of dating is absolute rubbish. Everyone has the right to say what their needs are and to act in accordance with how they wish to be treated. It isn't unreasonable, especially as a single mother, to expect a date to be able to plan their lives well enough to not flake on you at the last minute. Your life isn't a drop-in centre where you make space for someone and they option in or out on a whim. Cancelling twice. Not calling. Then saying you have commitment issues - well, if the person he's talking to doesn't have commitment issues, likes to plan their lives with some reliability, and would like some basic respect - they have every right to not 'go with the flow' and just ditch this bozo

supercali77 · 13/06/2019 12:11

Also, at 6/7 weeks no one is talking about committing to marriage and growing old together, but simply committing to a phone call. If that's beyond someone....at 6/7 weeks. What's the point?

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 13/06/2019 12:21

I reckon there is a wife or other woman in the sidelines, you are not high in his list of things to do

AND "fell asleep" my arse... who does that when someone they care about has messaged important stuff? He was with someone he did not want to know about you.

carla1983 · 13/06/2019 12:26

Sorry but he's not really interested in you. His actions show that clearly. The fear of commitment thing may be true or it could be an excuse. Either way you can do better than this and find someone who is truly interested in you.

ravenmum · 13/06/2019 12:28

Well, quite. She's asking why he didn't turn up when he said he would, and he's saying it's because he's scared of commitment? That's deliberately avoiding the subject: not answering the question - creating a distraction by making it sound as if she's unreasonably asking for commitment. Let's not fall for that.

OP actually asked him to come on a day when the children weren't there - he's the one who wanted to come on a day they would be there. So it's not as if OP was trying to introduce him to the kids; quite the opposite.

FabledChinHair · 13/06/2019 15:41

Well it's only been 6 or 7 weeks? That's not really that long. You can't really know someone that well after 6 weeks. Maybe it was moving a bit fast?

Figure8 · 13/06/2019 17:51

This is how years of crap starts.

Opt out

EmptyOrchestra · 13/06/2019 17:58

Yikes.

It’s been six weeks and you have kids - so how many times have you actually seen him? 10? 15 maybe?

This is very early days. I wouldn’t ask a man how he felt about me after six weeks. I’d still be wondering how I felt about him.

He’s really not interested. I’ve never known a man who’s interested to play hard to get.

Also, scared of commitment? Is he 20?

Chalk this one up to experience and next time try not to get so invested so early!

Original poster
onetiredmum · 13/06/2019 18:50

Thankyou so so much for all your comments. And to keep you updated..... He's gone! I told him I wasn't looking to get a puppy with him.... Just a phone call and spend time together which I didn't think was a big ask. He said he was scared of getting hurt?!

I've given up and walked away. All your posts have been great. I dont have many girl friends around me so I'm so grateful for all your advice.

Thanks ladies x

OP posts:
springydaff · 13/06/2019 20:53

Go you op 😎

poglets · 13/06/2019 21:26

I love it when I see strong women who have respect for themselves and standards they keep. Good for you.

Perhaps hard now but you have saved yourself a load of hassle and bullshit.

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