Managed to leave an abusive relationship finally, but feeling so sad and weak. Need reassurance.

[Miniloso]

I left my my ExB, had been with him for 2 years. He’s basically a narcissist and ended up physically abusing me and hurting me. Police were called. He was emotionally and financially abusive and also cheated on me. He was a very good liar and gaslighted me to make me believe it was my fault. I ended it after the police came, and went into therapy for it, still am. I went back to him 2 months ago as he promised he would change but of course it only got worse. Having got strength from counselling I have managed to finally walk away and go NC, but am feeling so sad and weak... I know he will never change and I was feeling angry and strong - but yesterday and today I feel very sad and know I must not contact him. Please help me get through this phase? I just want some kind words.

I think what you have done is brave, brilliant and amazing.

what are you up to today? Have you got some nice stuff to watch on TV maybe?

I’m going to the gym, trying to be positive, thank you for replying.

All of that awful stuff has taken up so much of your time and headspace, you can replace it all with great stuff now. You’ve been so brave and strong to get this far, just think what you can achieve for yourself now. (You might laugh but when I’m feeling wobbly about something I sing ‘Eye of The Tiger’ in my head.) xx

good to go to the gym

do you know a song by the Avalanches - Since I left you.

"since I left you - I found the world so new".

you have made room for a whole bunch of happy

Thanks so much for your replies, it’s helping 💐.

I’ve booked a session with my counsellor sooner than planned. Hate feeling like this.

He’s still emailing me, wanting to get back together, he’s sorry etc. I have him blocked on everything but can’t on gmail, it just goes to spam and I can’t help looking.

Going to watch Big Little Lies this afternoon and snuggle up with my cats. DS & DD will be back in an hour.

You are brave and have done good

This feeling now is massive emotional bruising

Have you written an account of what happened ? If not write it and read it every time You miss him

Also research freedom programme xxx

You have recognised that going back is not an option and that's brilliant and a massive step.

'Emotional bruising' is a good term for how you're feeling. Snuggle up with the cats and plan some fun stuff with DS and DD for the weekend (if it ever stops raining!)

You will start feeling better soon, I promise.

Thanks to you both. I do feel emotionally bruised and so hurt. It’s hard to understand, even though my therapist and the books I’m reading tell me why, how another human being who says they love you can hurt you so much. I think I’m just having a crap few days. Weather not helping!

It’s very hard to resist contacting him, even though I know it’s seriously the wrong thing to do. 🥺

Try to remind yourself of what would actually happen if you did contact him. You get back together and for a (very) short time that pain goes away but then he's back to abusing you again. Then you are back to square 1. Each day you move forward a tiny bit more, don't set yourself back to the beginning of your recovery.
Write him an email back, detail everything he did to you, how it made you feel. Then save it and never send it. Stay strong.

Well done OP. You’re bloody brilliant.

You are doing brilliantly! What with your cats, your kids and your endorphins, you will soon be aghast at the thought that you ever struggled to cut contact with this vile man. Go you!

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. It's still early days. I left an EA relationship a few years ago and to be honest it was a good year before I can honestly say I'd recovered to what I'd describe as feeling properly ok. I spent that year being kind to myself, seeing friends, having duvet days if I needed them- I also accepted that I was going to feel crappy for quite some time so just allowed myself to feel it knowing I'd get through and it would pass.
I'm so glad I did it.
Good luck xxx

Thank you everyone, your words are really helping so much 💐. I know it would go back to how it was in my heart. It’s just hard, isn’t it. Some things I miss, I guess that’s just natural....hopefully in time those memories will fade. I felt so good when I was angry about how he treated me, I guess and hope the sadness will go eventually!

I’m having a duvet day today. Its been good 👍

There's a stage I call the 'better the devil you know' stage.
Its not that you want to be hurt, its that he charmed you with the nice guy act, and thats the man you miss.
Remind yourself that he was acting. Gavin de Becker says ''Nice is not a characteristic or personality trait, it's an choice.'' And its one used by abusive men to charm us.

Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Lundy Bancrioft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

Sending you kind thoughts and positive vibes as you start your new life

It’s ok to have crap days and feel sad. It’s part of the healing process. You are grieving for something you’ve lost even if it was toxic because between the toxic times there were good times.

But it does get better and you need to stay strong and stay away from him. I would want to read the emails too. I did when my ex emailed me. I would cry and cry as he would say all the right things but I knew he would never change so I stopped reading the emails.

The wounds are long healed now. I think about him occasionally and I feel the sadness of the loss of someone who could be ever so loving and nice to me, but I choose too also remember that he was also very nasty and vicious. That was the real him and I’m better off without that.

Don’t contact him. Stay strong.

I’m having a weep now reading these, thank you so much for your kind supportive words.

@TheInebriati thank you, I’ve copied the de Becker to my Kindle. I have read the Lundy Bancroft, it’s brilliant. I’m reading From Charm to Harm by Gregory Zaffuto at the moment which is also great.

Thanks, I'll look for that
We all have the odd wobble. Its like trying to quit smoking imo (and we do it for the same reasons).

I broke up with my BF of almost 6 years at the beginning of April 2019. It started out totally great but he too became increasingly abusive- especially emotionally eg he cheated on me with a work colleague last year, then cried and begged me to take him back so I did, only to find that he was sleeping with her behind my back again but lying to both of us about the other woman! He was also sleeping with prostitutes. When I finally called him out on his sh!&, he actually blamed it on me (for living too far away and therefore not being available for sex as often as he wanted/ needed, for putting my kids first etc etc). He gaslighted me, he told me I was in the wrong, that I was toxic/screwed up just for pointing out his disgraceful behaviour- you name it. The sex was getting rougher and rougher and he wasn’t even being nice to me or to my children. So I finally ended it and he cried and cried but that is it- the end. It has been absolutely horrendous and I am in counselling. I find it hard to sleep. I loved him but I now realise that he is a narcissist who will do anything to get what he wants and also that I never knew the “ real” him until recently. He’s gone back to the OW who I’m sure he’ll cheat on eventually but he needs his narcissistic supply regardless! Good luck to her because she knows he was lying to me and to her and sleeping with prostitutes (because I told her) so she obviously has no self- esteem or boundaries. It’s a painful pill to swallow sure, as I’m 48 and thought this was “it”. But no. So like you OP I’m hurting more than I can say - every day is torture staying NC-but in the long run I know he would just cause me more pain, pain, pain. So it’s better to get out, be alone and stop the abuse by walking away from this car wreck of a “ relationship” and live my best life. That’s where I’m at. I am enough- just as I am. And so are you OP! Good luck. Hugs 🤗

I really hope you start feeling better soon!! I split up with my partner a couple of days ago. He used to abusive physically and we continued to be toxic, so reading the responses really helped.❤️

@Paris14eme mine saw prostitutes too I discovered, and was setting up a woman he met swingers site he’d joined to cheat on me with, only I found out. She sent me all the screenshots 😔. That, according to him was my fault too as I hadn’t been dealing with my problems over my prior divorce in the right way. Go figure! These men seem to be templates! It helps me so much you sharing your story with me, thank you so much!

@mamapart 💐 Have you read ‘Why does he do that?’ Also ‘From Charm to Harm’ - they will help you.

Thank you everyone ❤️

@Miniloso I haven't but I will look into it!

Well done OP. Have courage. You are going in the right direction now.