Managed to leave an abusive relationship finally, but feeling so sad and weak. Need reassurance.

[Miniloso]

I left my my ExB, had been with him for 2 years. He’s basically a narcissist and ended up physically abusing me and hurting me. Police were called. He was emotionally and financially abusive and also cheated on me. He was a very good liar and gaslighted me to make me believe it was my fault. I ended it after the police came, and went into therapy for it, still am. I went back to him 2 months ago as he promised he would change but of course it only got worse. Having got strength from counselling I have managed to finally walk away and go NC, but am feeling so sad and weak... I know he will never change and I was feeling angry and strong - but yesterday and today I feel very sad and know I must not contact him. Please help me get through this phase? I just want some kind words.

@Miniloso thanks, I’ll check out the book. These 2 men are template narcissists, no question. Mine even touted us as a couple (with photo!) on a swingers website without asking me. It’s abuse- that’s what it is. The thing is, because we’d been together for 5 years I trusted him completely up until last year and all these revelations came as a total, total shock. How could the man I loved so well for so long be so ghastly? He'd met all my friends and family and I’d met his. I’d even had lunch with his grandmother! The prostitute thing on top of the shagging colleague ( who I refer to as “ the alleycat”, she’ll take anything!) felt like the rug was pulled out from under my feet. I felt so upset, so sick, so disgusted - his “ excuse” was that he needed “variety” even though we had a fantastic sex life and we were very sexually adventurous anyway. Basically, he’s a screwed up person who needs psychological help and I told him so. My boundaries were not healthy, I know that now but it was all about HIM getting what he wants at whatever hour of the day from Day 1- he is a fraud and sadly, I was completely taken in by his “act”, being a trusting soul. Even my children loved him ffs. It’s over now thank God. I finally told him what I think of him in April but he’s so screwed up he still said:” I know you love me really”. Go figure! The sex was great, yes, but never again. It was like death by a thousand cuts. You and I- we deserve far, far better than these pieces of sh£&! Stay strong. You’re NOT alone 💪.

With these types they will NEVER take responsibility. If you caught him with his dick stuck inside someone else it would be your fault because you burnt the toast 2 weeks ago, this is literally how deranged and nonsensical these people are. This is why no contact is absolutely essential, so you don't get drawn into an argument and their ridiculous spin on the truth.

You have to keep remembering what happened, not his spin on it but what actually happened, sometimes it helps to write it out in factual terms with how it made you feel underneath.

The most important thing is keep as busy as possible and do not engage. When the crying and pleading stops the nastiness may start so be ready for that.

Complete grey rock and call the police if necessary.

@Paris14eme They sounds like the same man! I called one of the (other) women he messed me about with Dr Dog 🤣 she worked as a consultant in a hospital and they would meet there to shag in her consultation room (such wonderful creatures) He met her on the swingers site too, before me, but she kept popping up. He was probably still seeing her when with me.

Mine too said ‘I know you love me really’ when I ended it, and ‘you are going to find it really hard not contacting me’!!

God. Reading all that back just makes me shudder now. How much he manipulated me to accept it, and how it was my fault. Then after all that, the other sex site woman, the escorts etc, he threw me to the ground outside my house giving me whiplash and walked back into my house and shut the door, leaving me on the floor. That’s when the police were called.

@closetbeanmuncher thank you, I think I will write it all down. Thanks for that.

@Miniloso .... but that’s the point. It’s NOT your fault, it wasn’t mine either. They just manipulated us and tucked us up like kippers! There’ll always be sluts ready and willing to be with men like our narc exes, but we are both best off out of there. To put a positive spin on things: at least we saw the light! They are some other woman’s problem now. Or as I said to my ex: “I am finally free”. It’s hard, but better late than never. Stay in the zone OP. He and Dr Dog are welcome to each other- like my ex and “the alleycat”. Good riddance to bad rubbish, that’s what I say. Don’t give in. They’re sure to come crawling back at some stage and that’s the moment of power for us- to show them the door.

@paris14eme I just feel bad for the next nice girl he meets who falls for him. Saying that though, I was his longest relationship in 4 years since his divorce. None of the others lasted longer than 6 months if that. I was very naive, not long out of an 18 year marriage. I fell for his fake love bomb persona hook line & sinker. I won’t be so gullible again. It still hurts though, no matter how bad it was, I tried to love him and did love ‘him’ so much. Took me therapy to realise he was the one with the cluster B narc disfunction. So hard nevertheless.

@Miniloso it’s very hard. I’m in the same boat. I came out of a 20 year marriage believing all his lies and bullish£&. I was vulnerable- so were you. But now we’re wiser. Abusive relationships can happen to anyone: any age, any class. My ex was 31- very young.... but we loved each other all the same and he swore blind that he would never leave me, never stop loving me, never let me down blah blah blah. I was lulled into a false sense of security. It hurts like hell because I let him do that to me- I gave him permission , but the OW will see his true colours eventually. Of that I’m 100% sure. At least you know you are not alone OP. I get it- I’ve been there and bought the t- shirt (and the book you recommended!). Onwards and upwards. There’ll be something and someone better for us both ahead. Keep truckin’!