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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this ever ok?

44 replies

Silly1235 · 11/06/2019 08:43

So in the mornings my DH normally makes milk for my 2 DC and a coffees for us.
Today there was no milk (we live opposite a tesco) time was relatively tight...skip forward to him getting the milk and then making everyone milk and me coffee.
me and DD were already putting shoes on at the front door, DD can have her milk in the car and i said dont worry about the coffee to which in front of both DC (2 and 5yo) he said that if i didnt drink it he would put the boiling coffee on my head. He didnt say it as a joke (not that i suspect he would do it but he said it with anger and venom and then stormed upstairs). I told my DS (5) that is no way to talk to anyone and if i were ever to hear him talking like that there would be big trouble, so my DH came downstairs and told my children i am a bully.

Am i going mad? Is this essentially a form of DV?

OP posts:

bluebell34567 · 11/06/2019 08:46

did you push him to buy the milk?
anyway it is not acceptable what he said and did.

chitofftheshovel · 11/06/2019 08:50

It's not acceptable, no. However if it's a total one off then I wouldn't class it as DV. If it is part of a trend then it could be classed as verbal abuse.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 11/06/2019 08:53

It's a totally unacceptable thing to say. We'd need more context to know if it was DV but verbal abuse and threats can certainly be DV, yes. What's he like the rest of the time? It sounds like he was getting the bully jibe in before you pointed out that it was bullying, too.

Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2019 09:02

He threatens to pour boiling coffee on your head... and you're the bully? OK then.

It's not as if he even had a wasted journey getting the milk, it was still useful, so he had no excuse to be so aggressive. Unless he's feeling either resentful or guilty over the shopping failure, depending on whose job it is. That would be an excuse for feeling a bit snippy, mind you, not for threatening family members with physical violence, even if he didn't intend to actually do it. I think you were right to raise it with the DC immediately.

Original poster

Silly1235 · 11/06/2019 09:13

when he got up he realized there was no milk - so said well you told me not to go last night because it was raining so hard - i said you still could have gone i was only saying as it was raining so much you may prefer to go in the morning. he then did start getting angry that it was his job (for context, i do all the other household jobs, washing cleaning and shopping) so i said dont worry about going today even though i do all the other jobs this is your one job - i say everything calmly and with a low normal voice but then get blamed for being passive aggressive. i wont raise my voice infront of my kids.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 11/06/2019 09:32

It was wrong of him to say it. It is an angry and violent expression. Unfortunately some people use expressions like this usually with no physical intent.

However you were being passive aggressive earlier. Whilst there is a need to address his contribution this was not the time or way to do it. It did not elicit a revelation on his part. He got angry and resentful of you. The opportunity to have the right conversation is now further away. That’s fine if you want to split but not a constructive way to resolve problems if you plan on being together for a long time.

analieninblackburn · 11/06/2019 10:07

@silly1235 I would like to hear DH's side before commenting , every story has multiple perspectives .

analieninblackburn · 11/06/2019 10:10

@Silly1235 your are passive aggressive :

Original poster

Silly1235 · 11/06/2019 10:15

thank you for your thoughts i dont get why that is passive aggressive?

he asks why its his job? and gets angry that it is. its his one job? whilst i get the kids ready. i didnt push him to buy the milk and said it was ok he didnt have to.

OP posts:

Original poster

Silly1235 · 11/06/2019 10:17

is it fair that its my fault he didnt go last night? just because i said its raining so hard you might prefer to go in the morning??! that i would get the blame that there wasnt milk in the first place. incidently i text him on his way home from work to get on the way home but apparently he didnt see the text and i should have called him (if we ever need anything on the way home i text him )

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/06/2019 10:18

Are the DC his? Does he live with you? If so, why is that the only thing he does, and why do you do everything else? Sorry for questions, just trying to understand the bigger picture.

FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 10:19

Multiple perspectives?!

Saying in front of your 5 year old that you're going to pour boiling coffee over their mum is not ok.

If that ever needed saying.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 11/06/2019 10:19

Is it the first time he's been like that? If it has, then I'd just put it down to him being really pissed off at you. Not every argument equals domestic violence. It really was an awful thing to say but we all have bad moments and he'll probably really regret it.
However, if it's happened before and this is how he speaks to you regularly, then it could be a major issue.

analieninblackburn · 11/06/2019 10:23

@silly1235 I'm a man by the way , hence my view maybe different . I think this type of thing happens in many households (not the boiling water comment though). Sit down and work it out , if something so small is causing such a big issue then I'm guessing there are other issues you guys have . Not easy to walk away when children are involved. And I know it's not easy to to always talk , life isn't a self help book and apologies if you feel I was being mean earlier .

analieninblackburn · 11/06/2019 10:25

@FizzyGreenWater , typical , not even attempting to consider the bigger picture . Focussing on the BIG negative . Are you a glass half empty type of person by the way ?

MarthasGinYard · 11/06/2019 10:26

No I don't think it's DV

I think it's a stressed exchange and his side would be totally different.

MarthasGinYard · 11/06/2019 10:27

Did he actually say 'boiling coffee'

FizzyGreenWater · 11/06/2019 10:29

analieninblackburn - Half full love. Of coffee.

analieninblackburn · 11/06/2019 10:32

@FizzyGreenWater

AgentJohnson · 11/06/2019 10:40

Oh dear, there sounds like theres a whole backstory that goes some way to explain the poor communication, PA, point scoring that the posted exchange highlighted.

Why is it his only job? And why is it your responsibility to keep reminding him of his only job? If the supermarket is across the road what’s with all the bloody angst? He appears to be rebelling to a dynamic which he contributes to. Time to sit down and talk to each other like blood adults! He could have gone out in the rain and he you shouldn’t be directing him.

I understand where you were coming from by challenging his behaviour in front of your children but it contributed to a tit for tat which probably caused them more distress.

Original poster

Silly1235 · 11/06/2019 10:41

thanks @analieninblackburn didnt think you were being mean at all...he lives with me, they are both our children and we have been married 8 years together 11. it was a stressed exchange admittedly, but they are becoming more common. he knows i have a huge issue shouting/swearing etc infront of the kids .
he is very stressed at the moment regarding work and prob feels a bit shit right now (but i am supportive of his work, i run a business and bring in the majoirty of the money too, and am responsible for both kids - if he can he does help when i ask him too)

OP posts:

Original poster

Silly1235 · 11/06/2019 10:44

@AgentJohnson i dont remind him its his job untill he starts getting angry with me and blaming me for not calling the night before (when i always text) and he said i should have called him and asked how his shitty jounrey home was going (swearing in front of kids and it gets my back up) so then i say its your job to do it whilst i get the kids ready etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Silly1235 · 11/06/2019 10:50

OP posts:

53rdWay · 11/06/2019 10:50

no, it is not ever okay to threaten someone with pouring boiling coffee over their head, in front of their young children.

Anyone who thinks this is excusable needs to have a good long word with themselves.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 11/06/2019 10:51

So you bring in the majority of the money, you do all childcare (and by the sounds of it all the house/shitwork too) and he gets angry because he had to go and get some milk and you were too busy to drink a cup of coffee?

And he needs you to tell him when to buy milk rather than looking in the fridge?

What does he actually contribute?

And it's not 'help' when he actually parents his own children (and you shouldn't have to 'ask' him either).

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