Is this ever ok?

[Silly1235]

So in the mornings my DH normally makes milk for my 2 DC and a coffees for us.
Today there was no milk (we live opposite a tesco) time was relatively tight...skip forward to him getting the milk and then making everyone milk and me coffee.
me and DD were already putting shoes on at the front door, DD can have her milk in the car and i said dont worry about the coffee to which in front of both DC (2 and 5yo) he said that if i didnt drink it he would put the boiling coffee on my head. He didnt say it as a joke (not that i suspect he would do it but he said it with anger and venom and then stormed upstairs). I told my DS (5) that is no way to talk to anyone and if i were ever to hear him talking like that there would be big trouble, so my DH came downstairs and told my children i am a bully.

Am i going mad? Is this essentially a form of DV?

It’s never ok to say that in front of children, whatever the circumstances.

@Silly1235 IF what you're saying is true , then you both need help , I fear he won't change . Swearing etc in front of children is not OK , plus boiling coffee / water threat . Something is off . You bring in the cash and do the housework ? If you were my sister / daughter, friend and what you are saying is true then I would advise to get out of the relationship . But I know it's easier said than done . Work is stressful , big deal , tell him to get a grip , he's not an SAS commando (or is he?).

he does do 'some' other things and prob doesn't even realise how weighted it is (he knows i do more but prob not aware of how much i recon its 90/10 he would tell you 70/30 ) but that i dont mind - wrongly or rightly i do see that as more of my role in terms of the house and the kids (kids camps/playdates etc)

i just cant bare being shouted or sworn at in front of our DC, DS (5) is a very sensitive shy kid and i worry for him.

we went out somewhere with my dad for a day a few weeks ago and my dad told my mum that he feels really sorry for me as i get shouted and snapped at all day. i have an extremely stressful full time job (i run the company) and i think my dad worrys for me. (our DC were with my mum)

i dont know what do to . i love him. i wonder what he does for my life, (especially when work is not going well but he is trying his hardest) and then i think the whole 'for better or for worse' this is my time to support him

then i wonder if im a total mug and if anyone else would put up with this, then i wonder how normal it is??

incidentally and this is prob passive aggressive i got to work and i text him
'under what circumstances would it be ok to threathen the mother of your children in front of them that you would pour boiling coffee on my head - im just checking'
he hasnt replied.

Did he say 'I will pour this boiling coffee over your head'?

@MarthasGinYard yes he did

Bluebell Does it really fucking matter if she pushed for the milk? As if that justifies a threat such as he made to his wife in front of their children!

@Silly1235 , few more questions as I'm worried now , has he been involved in violence previously / trouble with the law? Does he take drugs ?
Is he from a different cultural background , as saying certain things in a different language etc do sound different / less aggressive .

It’s not a threat IMO as he wouldn’t have done it - but it was completely out of line and particularly awful in front of the children as they don’t know he wouldn’t have done it and therefore probably think pouring boiling coffee on someone is ok because it’s something daddy would do! Really awful.

However, and don’t take this the wrong way, your subsequent posts and the sort of tit for tat explanations etc do make you sound like a bit dramatic and I am not sure that this isn’t just the way you two talk to each other/goad each other usually.

No,never ok whatsoever. If my husband dared to say this let alone think it he'd be gone and his belongings on the lawn and the locks changed. The previous posters defending this are batshit

@AgentJohnson i dont remind him its his job untill he starts getting angry with me and blaming me for not calling the night before.

I wouldn’t buy into that bullshit from my 12 year and I certainly wouldn’t expect it from a supposed grown man. You shouldn’t be reminding him! Do you need reminding to do the 1,000 things that need doing. Of course not because you’re an adult.

I understand why you are where you are but you shouldn’t be and the dynamic you’ve both bought into needs resetting.

Please, please understand that actions speak louder than words and you can tell your children that their dad’s behaviour is unacceptable but if it keeps on happening, it becomes their norm.

I don’t care how stressed he is but when his way of dealing with that stress, is to threaten violence against his wife in front of his children, then that is crossing a line.

Do not buy into his bullshit excuses as to why he behaves the way he does.

It's shocking that he would say that to you, especially in front of your DC, but it's also shocking that he does nothing else in the house.

he doesnt do nothing in the house perhaps thats unfair - but he doesn't do it of his own accord - i do have to remind him most of the time if its something i want doing. i do think this is prob true of most relationships the woman does the majority of home/kids work

mostly i do it cos otherwise it annoys me - he went swimming with DD on sunday, the bag he took is still at the bottom of the stairs and it would be until eternity if i just didnt pick it up and deal with it, i see these things as easy to do its certainly not something i would want to fight about! it would annoy me if its there if i move it it doent annoy me.

i dont think im tit for tat or particularly dramatic but when he asks why its his job to get the milk, it just is, thats the way it has worked in the same way its my job to arrange any out of school/nursery cover, or do a tesco shop. its not tit for tat or a competition but it is always him that brings it up so in my response i highlight that i do everything else. i think it upsets him as he knows its so true at the moment and he feels so guilty for the finacial pressure whcih is on me

Regardless of the context, he has been a bad father today. He threatened the mother of his children in front of them, name-called and failed to set a good example. Depending on the maturity of your children and his willingness to accept he's behaved abhorrently, I'd either get the police round to tell him off in front of them (demonstrating that actions have consequences and reinforce that his actions were wrong) or he would be speaking to them to explain that what he said this morning was unacceptable and it would never happen again. If it ever happened again, I'd be changing the locks.

Calling someone passive aggressive when they're remaining calm, polite and controlled is born out of anger that they are unable to control their own emotions. Ignore it entirely, it's utter rubbish. It tends to be thrown out there when people don't actually understand what 'passive aggressive' means.

It does sound like there are wider issues with your relationship, but we don't know enough to give an opinion there I think. In this case, however, his threats constitute a criminal offence that should be taken seriously.

Sounds to me like he is feeling crap about earning less. He is the bully here- not you! How dare he say that to you? What a wanker.

No it is never acceptable to threaten anyone.

I would be having a very strong conversation telling him if he ever speaks to me or the children like that ever again then HE will be finding some where else to live. And that I will not tolerate this behaviour ever.

And if he says it 'was only a joke' I would remind him that jokes are funny and no one was laughing.

Thanks he basically never apologized. When we were both home from work and kids asleep i said would you like to apolgise for today, so he apolygiesed as in said im sorry and when i tried to talk further he said ive said sorry you dont need to go on about it.

well i kinda think i do. its actually the second time he has had a shit fit about getting milk from across the road (which he uses in his own coffee and cereal...he is the only person that has breakfast at home kids have it at sch and nursery and i dont have it.

i then went to get dinner from tesco across the road, and when i returned and he thanked me i joked that i would make it and put his boiling dinner on his head. I said it in a jokey voice and he just looked up at me and i said see its not very nice is it.

we spent the rest of the night as he always does, on his stupid phone.

i dont really know what to do, im there to support him on his business, he is working hard and i dont blame him for not bringing in the money.

i guess im annoyed at myself, i broke up with him in 2009 because i thought he was too angry for me, he mellowed massively, we got back together now have two young children and now he is stressed and angry again, there have been bouts but the last 2.5 years have not been great as he does get angry about little things and swears a lot. he came from an angry and aggressive household growning up and i came from a relatively calm one with no swearing and its imoprtant to me that my children feel safe.

i guess this is just a rant now!

however when i picked my son up from sch last night i asked him what did he hear in the morning with mummy and daddy and he said daddy just said that i was a bully.
he didnt hear the coffee comment or has blocked it out (i dont know how he didnt hear it)
i asked him if he thought i was a bully he said no and i just told him its really important to be respectful and kind to everyone

@Silly1235 I'm so sorry that this seems to be a wider pattern of problematic behaviour. I'm glad your son didn't hear what he said in a way, and that he doesn't believe his father's words. It doesn't sound like there has been much happiness lately in your marriage, perhaps counselling would work? It would allow you to express how his threats, lacking contribution to the household chores, namecalling etc. make you feel in a safe space. I hope you're doing okay today, and your son gave you lots of cuddles!