Are my expectations wrong?

[DarkestBeforeTheDawn4]

I think dp might be a narcissist. He's very good at convincing me I'm wrong and unreasonable and it's just really hard to hold onto the truth.

I tried to talk to him on the weekend, he's been getting so angry lately and it's been scary at times. And I told him that. And I'd think, surely the response of a reasonable person would be something like "I'm sorry I scared you I'll make sure that doesn't happen again". But he blamed me, it's because we haven't been intimate and I'm never supporting him and he works so hard, he's exhausted and stressed, he works like a slave at home. For the record he empties the dishwasher (puts stuff away wet), makes kiss breakfast, gardens and mows occasionally, does his own ironing and takes the bins out. He did the folding this week because my arthritis is really bad and that makes him a slave who never gets a break. He gets 2 hours downtime every night while I get all our DC to sleep on my own. And I do 75% of the child care on weekends.

I said I can't be intimate with someone that makes me anxious. I told him I feel sick with anxiety when he's coming home because I don't know what's going to set him off. Surely a normal reaction is to be concerned that your partner feels like this? Not to blame them, not to basically say they should be being intimate with you despite how you make them feel because then you wouldn't be angry. Surely that's not a normal reaction?

This is almost exactly my life and we both deserve better

I'm so sorry you're going through this too TheWorldCouldBeMyMollusc. It's soul destroying.

And he acts so hurt and upset that I won't be reasonable. He said we needed to go to marriage counselling then followed it up with because your thinking is so wrong. So basically he wants the counsellor to back up his my wife is deluded and I'm just a poor hardworking man who loves his family and deserves some support and a break thinking.

I have literally just found out that joint counselling is not recommended in an abusive relationship. But I went while I lined my ducks up.

This is abusive. He is your abuser. You need to leave him, there's no alternative. You walk around him on eggshells. He is manipulating and gaslighting you. You need to look at ways to leave.

YAnbu.

If you’ve been married for a long time and he’s only recently started acting like this, I think I’d wait until the dcs are out at the weekend and then have it out with him. Find out if there is some major stress at work - talk of redundancies etc. Stand your ground, tell him his anger is unacceptable and it needs to stop.
If he’s always been like this or it started after dcs were born, I agree with pp that he’s abusive, he’s scaring you now and it will only get worse. You need to plan your exit.

To be honest I don't think he sounds like a narcissist. He sounds like someone under stress who is taking out his feelings on the nearest person, ie you. I agree with SeniorSchoolMum - have it out with him when the children are not around. He might have some issues that you don't know about. If he hasn't, but is just being a twat, think about your next move .

Ive tried talking it out with him. I just get blamed for it, I get told he's stressed because I never help him talk through his work stress, so I ask him about work, he never elaborates, just shuts me down. I get told its my fault he's angry because we're never intimate. I told him why, because he makes me anxious and scared. But he says he'll stop exploding when I step up and be more intimate. How am I supposed to do that. He can't get the point that I need him to change how he makes me feel first. I was going to ask him to get some counselling for the stress and anger, to help him deal with it but we didn't even get there he just went on and on about how it's my fault.

Yes our life is stressful, but he doesn't get that it's not OK to take it out on me. I'm sick and in so much pain, he finds his job stressful but isn't interested in finding another one. He says catching the bus is stressful, so I suggest we buy another car or share the one weve got. He doesn't want to buy another car because we can't afford it, we can. He doesn't want to share the car, it's too much hassle to find parking anyway. So what was the point of blaming me for the fact he has to catch public transport. Everything goes the same way. If I suggest something that'll work and help solve that problem something else becomes the problem and the solution always ends up being me changing the way I behave because if I supported him better and stopped expecting him to contribute his stress would magically melt away.

Things have been getting worse for 2 years, he always blames stress and it's always my fault he's stressed. They've gotten a lot worse in the last 6 months since I got sicker and tried to get some help from him.

I don't think he's a straight up narcasist. I was reading about covert narcassim and a lot of that fitted. Someone else is always to blame and he twists everything I say, and remember.

I can't even start with your anger is unacceptable. I tried something along those lines and he just cut me off, talked over me and said his anger was all my fault off course he's going to explode when he's treated like a slave and we're not being intimate and not supporting him more. The not being intimate is a direct result of him making me feel worthless and anxious, but that's just an excuse according to him and he'll start treating me better and stop exploding when I step up and be more intimate. Paraphrasing here.

He complains he has no friends and he's bored, I've been saying for years I'm happy for him to take any 2 or 3 evenings a week and get back into his hobbies, but he can't do that because I expect him to do the dishwasher. It's a 10 minute chore, he could do it the next morning, it's kit exactly onorus. There's always an excuse that leads to it being my fault. My unreasonable demand that he's responsible for emptying the dishwasher means he can't have a social life or hobbies.

He said he needs a holiday. I get that, but I can't travel. I could end up bedbound for months if I do and he's not exactly going to step up and care for DC if I do. I suggested he go stay with his good mate interstate have a complete break, get to rest, relax, go to the pub, hang out at the beach. Or go visit some family, he's always complaining he never sees them enough or have a week alone, whatever will help. That's not acceptable. Everyone else goes on holiday why can't he.

Sorry for all the posts, I'm just feeling really gutted. I thought if I told him hes been scaring me he'd do something about his anger. And now I just feel crushed and hopeless.

Youre being done up like a kipper.

He wants a holiday? OK go for one you twat. (and watcy it be somehow your fault that he can't go)

It's already my fault he can't go. He doesn't want to holiday on his own/with his mate/with family. He wants us to holiday together and it's my fault because I won't do it. Never mind I'm too sick. I'm choosing not to.

Birdie he is a narcissist!

A very entitled one who gaslights and twists it all back round onto his wife.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

It doesn't sound like either of you are listening to the other one to be honest. You're both unhappy and blaming the other. I really recommend marriage counselling.

Counselling together is pointless when there is emotional and sexual abuse.

Oh God, that’s awful. That is not a man coping with one specific source of stress. That’s a selfish abusive whiney man-child, trying to make himself feel better by wearing you down. He’s using you as a mental punch bag.

Tell him to leave. Being single would be better. No-one should have to put up with that.

Typical narcissist, nothing is their fault. Of course he will blame you for his behaviour because the alternative is accepting he's wrong and making changes. He doesn't care enough about you to do that.
He doesn't give a shit that his anger scares you - that is the long and short of it.
My ex was like this. He walked around in a mood all the time and constantly complaining he did more than me (the opposite was true). I also tried to encourage him to do hobbies but then somehow managed to blame me for not doing them (I just think he was too lazy).
You're not going to change him. You need to decide if this is ok for the rest of your life.

And I also guarantee that even if you became intimate with him more often, his behaviour would not change and he would find some other reason to blame you.

I know I can't live like this. It's destroying me. He's in nice mode at the moment. But I'm just trying to go grey rock. We've got 2 DC birthday in the next few weeks, I don't want him to spoil those and I have a few things to line up first. Then I'm going to ask him to get counselling to develop stress and anger management skills otherwise we'll split up. I know its probably pointless but I worry about the kids. He hasn't done anything to deny him custody and here shared parenting is the usual outcome unless one parent wants less for themselves. If I can get him to address his issues even a little that's gotta be good for the kids. I honestly feel done either way. There's just been too much.

Im betting he says no and then we split. I can't move out unfortunately. We have a joint home with equity in it, which is great long term I will walk away with something but not in UK and benefits rules here mean if I move out I can't claim because then the house counts as an asset and I'll be over the limit. And I can't work right now, Im too sick. I can't force him out, all I can do is ask him to leave. And if he refuses we'll have to separate under one roof. Until we do a financial settlement and sell our house I'm stuck in it.

I feel so sad, just wanna curl up and cry. From this and how much pain I'm in. It's so hard.

I'm completely exhausted and drained by this.

I could have written your post.

I ended it with my Dp, he's refusing to accept it but I can't go on.

I hope you find the courage to do the same.

I've tried ending it before mine was the same. I hope he hears you soon.

I've circled a day in my calendar after DC birthdays, if nothing major happens I'll wait till then. The only way I'm not ending it that day is if he commits to seeing a psychologist to work on anger management and stress coping skills and starts within 2 weeks. I really want this for the kids. If he refuses we'll split then and there, but I have to work out logistics and what I want first, how it'll work if he refuses to move out, what I want to keep and he can take if he does move out, what custody I want to start with in that situation. I need to be prepared because he's very overbearing when we argue. I need it all worked out in my mind. A friend has a good lawyer so I'll line her up for the financial settlement aspect.

You need to get legal advice. There are options for women in abusive relationships such as occupation orders for the family home and access to benefits short term. You can get 30 minutes free family law advice from most firms. That might help you draw up a plan. Have you rung Womens aid or your local support for domestic abuse?