Are my expectations wrong?

[DarkestBeforeTheDawn4]

I think dp might be a narcissist. He's very good at convincing me I'm wrong and unreasonable and it's just really hard to hold onto the truth.

I tried to talk to him on the weekend, he's been getting so angry lately and it's been scary at times. And I told him that. And I'd think, surely the response of a reasonable person would be something like "I'm sorry I scared you I'll make sure that doesn't happen again". But he blamed me, it's because we haven't been intimate and I'm never supporting him and he works so hard, he's exhausted and stressed, he works like a slave at home. For the record he empties the dishwasher (puts stuff away wet), makes kiss breakfast, gardens and mows occasionally, does his own ironing and takes the bins out. He did the folding this week because my arthritis is really bad and that makes him a slave who never gets a break. He gets 2 hours downtime every night while I get all our DC to sleep on my own. And I do 75% of the child care on weekends.

I said I can't be intimate with someone that makes me anxious. I told him I feel sick with anxiety when he's coming home because I don't know what's going to set him off. Surely a normal reaction is to be concerned that your partner feels like this? Not to blame them, not to basically say they should be being intimate with you despite how you make them feel because then you wouldn't be angry. Surely that's not a normal reaction?

She said she’s not in the U.K., so I doubt it’s women’s aid.

Not in the UK. I have a pretty good grasp of my rights and nothing he's done so far enables me to exclude him from a jointly owned property in our country.

I could have written this entire post. I was with XP for 9 years and this was my life. It escalated and escalated. The headfucking was insane. Eventually, a year ago, he raped me. He genuinely believed he could convince me it wasnt rape and he actually got close because he'd gaslighted me for so long I kept thinking maybe I had just misremembered. The only thing that kept me from being sucked in again that time was that I'd posted on here in the minutes after it happened exactly what had happened and not his twisted version. It kept me grounded. There was no budging from the facts.

I'm sure there were good times with you DP - he can make things amazing when he wants. But they are fewer and further between than they've ever been. Maybe you can't even remember the last really good day. Am I right?

Going grey rock is the best idea right now. Trying to keep the peace until after the DC's birthdays will not work - he is going to spoil your children's birthdays regardless, because it matters to you for them to be happy and enjoy their birthdays. He will not allow that. But disengaging entirely while you get your exit plan lined up will at least save you some stress.

Please don't do joint counselling with him. He will only use it against you. It's another way to control you. Also, I did the freedom programme last year and one of the first things they tell you is that anger management does not work for narcissists, which it sounds like he is. I know you want this for the children but it really is just prolonging the misery for all of you.

I promise you, being alone is SO much better than this life. I don't miss the eggshells. The sick anxiety of not knowing what mood he'll be in, or how your evening is going to be. Trying to "manage" his mood and behaviour for every special occasion or just around other people. You should be able to enjoy family events and special occasions and every day of your life without the anxiety and frustration he brings. You will find that, without his daily stress and drama inside your home, every other thing in your life becomes easier to handle.

Your Username is perfect, by the way. This is the darkest point. Once you are free of him, it really will feel like a new dawn

Just focus on all the shit things he's said, and the way he's made you feel.
Did you ask for any of it? I bet you didn't.
If I dare to not smile enough I get called miserable.
At one point I would on music he liked when he got in from work because I knew it would put him in a good mood.
It's not right, your world doesn't need to revolved around making him feel content and happy.
I realised this myself only recently and boy I've noticed so many other things since.

It's funny, for years and years I've been compensating but it crept up, tiny bits here and there and it wasn't till I got much sicker and couldn't carry on that everything just fell apart. And then I read something online and it was like a light went on and I realised just how much I was tailoring my behaviour not to stress him or set him off. There's so many things it's just been easier to do myself. But it's exhausting and soul destroying. I'm so tired of carrying the load.

Im definitely not going to counselling with him, I want him to get some. Long shot but I want to try to get him to go, for the kids sakes. After his comment that he wanted to go to counselling because my thinking is so messed up there was no way I'd go with him.