Psychological Disorders and Absent parents

[Nipperless]

I was hoping someone could help me, a couple of years ago my ex partner told me a word I'd never heard of. It was to describe the effects of growing up without parents. I was given an Asperger's diagnosis about 5 years ago.. because my behaviour at the time was out of order, I know it was and the reason why.. I don't know if I fully agree with the diagnosis, I thought PTSD.. as what I originally hoped for was a magic pill that would somehow make me feel normal, just being in the world.. I guess I had your typical upbringing for the 1970's... an oft' violent, drunk, gambler who liked to terrorise us all.. sexual abuse commited by a relative/baby sitter.. my mother was obviously affected by this too but I had to leave her to her own mental health issues.. for which I recall the police having to deal with on occasion.. I think between the violent gambler and predator relative, her mind became unstable.. it's been almost 20 years since I spoke with her.. 30 years since I saw my father... much like the other sibbling I occasionally have contact with; I don't feel any impetus to contact them as I know this would not help me, probably the opposite.. however selfish that sounds.. I would say this has had predictable outcomes on my ability to form healthy relationships.. to be fair, the older I get the more reclusive I'm becoming, which is definitely one way of avoiding negative interactions.. I will socialise when forced to bit usually powered by excessive amounts of booze (don't worry, the apple fell far from the tree.. I'm neither violent or a gambler.. the only person I hurt is myself.. well a crying ex may wish to contest that.. but to be fair her adult child is partly at blame too but i was always doomed arguing about that.. admittedly I can have quite the nasty tongue..)... Anyway, as you can see, under the surface.. I wouldn't consider myself normal.. above the surface.. I'm well educated and probably over paid.. but the reason I asked the question, is because I would like to better understand/ read about how other people in the same situation coped with life, especially males getting past their thirties.. searched for an hour this morning but every post seemed to be regarding the effects of absent father's.. not both.. but especially anyone who can help with the disorder I've tried to explain, parentless upbringing Vs Asperger's.. thanks for reading.

You had all of my sympathy until
I'm neither violent or a gambler.. the only person I hurt is myself.. well a crying ex may wish to contest that.. but to be fair her adult child is partly at blame too but i was always doomed arguing about that.. admittedly I can have quite the nasty tongue.

If I were you, I'd seek therapy to the point where your first impulse towards emotional ex partners isn't to argue about their child.

Perhaps I didn't provide enough context.. I'll not edit or delete it.. I'm not looking for sympathy either.. I don't think any more counselling will help either.. but thanks for the advice all the same.. it will rattle around up there.

Well, it's interesting reading your post. And I am sorry that you've carried the results of an unhappy childhood with you for so long. I am not sure what you are asking but are you wondering if there is a correlation between ASD and trauma?

That is interesting if that is the question

I often wonder that myself

I’m so sorry to hear of what you’ve been through. As regards the Aspergers, a friend of mine who has it found this book very helpful: Living Well on the Spectrum: How to Use Your Strengths to Meet the Challenges of Asperger Syndrome/High-Functioning Autism www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1606236342/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_S0O.CbKE20JK5?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thanks Vanguard, apologies.. I did my best to remain coherent but I know in the real world that's not my best suit.. what I meant to ask.. there is a disorder that stems from a child lacking parental inputs.. I was told the name of the condition but I can not remember it.. I just recall that the symptoms were similar to what could be perceived as Asperger's.. I searched Google but found nothing apart from how absent father's affect their kids.. I thought I may as well write down my experience here..

Abandoned child syndrome?

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abandoned_child_syndrome

Not officially recognised as mental disorder according to link.

Or attachment disorder? There are 2 types.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_disorder

Another friend of mine found EMDR very helpful for recovering from trauma (in her case it helped her recover from a major breakdown). I don’t know whether that might be worth trying, to see whether it would help at all.

Are you thinking about attachment disorders?

Certainly there can be overlaps between the behaviours shown in autism and attachment problems.

Someone with complex PTSD, which comes from prolonged trauma can also have some of the same problems.

I wouldn't say your upbringing was normal at all, it was abusive and has obviously continued to affect you into adulthood.

A traumatic childhood can lead to borderline personality disorder (now called emotionally unstable personality disorder) and it's not uncommon that autistic women are Misdiagnoses with that and the autism missed.

I am not sure of the name of the disorder, but it was quite the norm (in the States where I am from) to isolate children from the 'family' part of the home- back in the '70s. It was not at all uncommon and in fact, it was condoned, to keep infants/babies alone in a room all day. It was Dr. Spcok, I believe, who promoted the idea of not soothing a crying baby. Though hailed as a guru at the time, most of his advice aided and abetted stress in a tiny child. In my opinion, he encouraged emotional neglect. My husband was a child of the 60s. His parents often kept him in his cot day and night. They'd go down to the pub and leave him in his cot. He vividly recalls being a school age child and just shouting 'Mummy!' over and over and over, just because he could but especially because his mum was and remains one of the most emotionally neglectful people I have ever met. My husband is ASD, however I don't think he is on the spectrum on account of his emotionally neglectful upbringing. I do think he wasn't able to develop coping mechanisms for stress in early childhood, something SO vital for all people to develop but ESPECIALLY kids on the spectrum.
I teach in an ASD school. My youngest is on the spectrum. My conclusion is that love and affection de-stresses the children I work with and my little boy. Connecting (it doesn't have to be a big show of affection, just a high five, a hug, a hand hold), being there, letting them know they can totally trust you to be there and be on their side, all the time, is everything! We ALL need that!
There was a debunked theory about refrigerator mothers but personally, and I say this as a mother of a child on the spectrum, I do believe that coldness and neglect totally, totally delay our emotional development. Coldness, neglect, abuse... you don't come through this stuff unscathed. And I do believe that sometimes a person who has been repeatedly traumatised/neglected/abused as a child will absolutely display signs similar to autism/asperger's. But this doesn't necessarily mean they are on the spectrum. But so many delays and difficulties mimic autism. I am not medically trained in the least and what I am saying is not Gospel, just my opinion based on my own experiences.
The thing I notice with my own son is that the softer his landings are in daily life and the more sleep he gets, the less he stims, the less he stresses, the less he gets overwhelmed. Love and warmth combine to make a healing, mighty salve.

Are you thinking of attachment disorder/reactive attachment disorder?

I suppose the abandoned child syndrome fits most of my behaviours over the decades.. but I thought the name included a human name.. I guess it's not really important in the long term if it does or not.. I've met people in far worse situations to my own.. some people know mine and others' and think I'd be good at helping them.. obviously I know the truth is that I or anyone else probably can't.. I probably shouldn't have started this thread.

Forgive my typos! Dr 'Spock' is the first one I noticed!

It's good to start a thread like this, OP. Don't run yourself down. There are so few places in real life you can take this stuff. I mean, we talk about being open, but seriously, one of the biggest issues in my husband's life has been having nobody to talk to. He's done therapy but sometimes, you just need to talk freely (and free of charge! ). It's good you started this thread!

I think borderline personality disorder can often result after a traumatic childhood. And c-ptsd too. Adopted children can have a really extreme form of attachment disorder. Anger issues can be a symptom of that (maybe google adopted children and attachment disorder)

I don't know about any link between asd and traumatic childhoods - maybe the symptoms (in finding it difficult to build relationships because of an inherent distrust in people) are just similar?

Thank you Vanguard and there is no need in my opinion to apologise for typos, I've never mixed well with bullies (I include grammar natzees in that because all that matters is you understand the meaning of the words.. in any case, surely post human brains auotocrrect them when reading).

Thank you for your insights, your words have definitely helped me. ABCD123 thanks for the link. Ginger, I definitely agree it was not normal in any way.. one of the posts above mentioned a deep rooted, persistent fear.. that is the feeling I struggle with most.. I did take medication to help but I can't explain how reality seems because in that moment of fear, everything melts into one.. I don't want to be taking any pills really.. I asked my doctor for propanalol.. because I read that musicians take them for stage fright. I can't say for certain that they help or do anything.. I'm 50% sure they cause side effects, especially while asleep.. I do take them though strategically, I don't want my body chemistry to get used to them.. in case they do help.. though the packet clearly states under no circumstances cease this medication without your GPs advice..

But you didn't have absent parents if I understand you?

They weren't normal parents, from what I see mostly... He's a womanising sleeze ball.. I'd have to do genetic screening before sharing a bed with anyone from my home town.. at my final primary school, is where I last saw him.. he was waiting for his step kids who went there too.. I'm not sure if my mother was ever capable of loving anyone.. she sometimes laughed but that was earlier on.. I think I can see oblivion in someone's eye's.. or its gin.. inderminate...

Trusting people Anna.. that's a subjective thing to me, I think I can trust at least 20 people to varying degrees.. e.g. I will look at people and assign labels.. I will accuse people of moving my things.. I can't ever deny this.. moving my things is technically a war crime.. even though it was probably the cat who dunnit.. she's definitely not trusted but she helps me. Anger.. yes.. as shown above, I probably should deal with that some more.. I'm nothing like how I was in my twenties.. it wasn't massively violent.. I'm a rubbish fighter anyway.. and by my mid twenties I didn't mix with anyone I grew.. in fact the only reason we were hanging out is because we had no one else.. safety in numbers.. anyway a drunken 18yrs to 25yrs old... I think the most likely outcome was me reacting to a bully I had no physical chance of besting then swiftly having my head kicked in for a bit. I'm glad I said the things that started the fights though.. probably would prefer if they'd come out more clearly though.. perhaps a talking therapy.. but I'm not wanting to moan about the past.. just some kind of help to deal better with people.. I feel false when conversing with some people.. like I say.. I've already (mis)judged them probably because of their eyes.. the way they didn't keep the door open for the cleaner.. but did for the young secretary they probably want to... So I dislike people but that can manifest as an awkward feeling, the same as feeling panicked.. but I chose this panick without knowing why.. is the best way I can describe it..

You can have "absent" parents that are emotionally and nurturingly absent even if physically there...

I watched her throw my sister out of the house by her hair.. because my sister shared some good news.. I watched her punch the same sister because she complained she didn't want to spend her birthday money on fast food.. she is/was not normal.. I know people would prefer to think of women as the gentler sex but at least with him.. there was cause and effect.. you're getting the belt because you were out of bed.. I'd say I was much more cautious around my mother.. you didn't want her chasing you.. I'm sure she's old now.. I do wonder sometimes but I've heard it's a bit boozey so I don't bother.. I'm not paying for her early grave.. which is the type of cruel words that get me in bother.. I don't care anymore.. at one point I'd have felt ashamed telling strangers online about this stuff.. none of it really matters.. not anymore..

Have you had counselling OP? My counsellor would say that your relationship wtih your mother (as a man) is the key to how you are now in your relationships. I had an abusive bf and she always wondered what his mother was like.

Anyway, I think counselling would massively help you if you are able to afford it. I had an abusive upbringing too (in a different way) and it's helped me.

I went out with someone who was beaten up by his father, and he was massively attachment avoidant. It was very obvious. Petrified of a relationship.

Did have counselling because by the start of the end of it I was quite different.. more unravelled.. disjointed.. I can't describe the exact low point but I know it was exhausting, my abuser later went on to abuse his own children, after what I saw and experienced.. I started to come undone in my teens.. I couldn't cope with knowing that I'd allowed such harm to happen by not being able to talk about it.. I know people say panic attack.. I'm not sure what that feels like.. I think my lowest point was curled in a ball at work.. thankfully the right person found me.. a psychology student.. it felt like a video of every single horrible memory was playing.. counsellor referred me to a psychiatrist.. I recently requested my full medical records.. was amazed to see that the psychiatrist said he'd asked me several times to see him again but had no response.. I just genuinely don't remember much of those two years.. vodka to say the least.. it only got better when I went to the police.. they were very supportive.. it was not how I imagined.. much calmer..

Very very sorry to hear of what you went through