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Original poster

Would you leave?

45 replies

chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 13:30

NC as this has lots of outing details but really need some honest opinions.
Have been with my fiance for almost 3 and a half years, engaged for just over a year. We moved in together within about 8 months, and lived together for just over a year before moving in with his parents. He then moved away, to begin a course, and we lived about an hour apart for 10 months. He then moved to a European country to continue with his course at the beginning of this year and has been there ever since. I still live with his parents.
Our relationship has been on the whole fairly happy, he was at a low point before beginning his course as he was unhappy with work. I have had various low points since the course was signed up for mostly due to feeling like I am not a priority when he makes any life choices. We got engaged three months into his course, quite unexpectedly and it was very much a nice show of commitment for me to support him through.
We have discussed houses, weddings, children, life choices etc. several times and have been more or less on the same page about things. He has been very keen to try for a baby for the past 6 months but I want him to finish his course and get married and settled first. He has been very open about where his career may taken him and I have been supportive of this. I have had many wobbles, insecurity/anxiety wise but have done my best to explain and support.
Yesterday he told me that he didn't think I would be living with his family long term and that I'd be happier living closer to my friends. He has said he doesn't expect to be living together when he comes back from his course as it is too small a space for us both. He also said that he doesn't plan on getting married for a few years and doesn't see the rush. Everything else "happens if it happens", and he doesn't see the need to speak about this of have a plan in place to ensure we are on the same page.
He has been known to be very fickle and change his mind about these kind of things, and will say things without thinking them through.
I am not financially dependent, no children, house or anything, but very in love. Would you leave?

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 10/06/2019 13:32

Sadly op he has checked out of your relationship and trying subtly to tell you. So yes I would leave ASAP.
Flowers

PeoniesarePink · 10/06/2019 13:35

He's telling you it's over, so yes I'd leave.

Thursday452poh · 10/06/2019 13:35

Yes I’d leave, sounds like you’ve out stayed your welcome at his parents house as wel tbh

Original poster
chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 13:38

For reference, I live in an annex at his parents house, they have been clear that they expected me to stay the whole time he was away.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 13:50

Not to drip feed, but I gave him an out during our conversation and specifically said the things you are saying imply that you'd rather I wasn't here when you got back and you're no longer interested. He said he does want me to be here when he gets back and he wouldn't be speaking to me if he weren't interested.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 10/06/2019 13:54

Yes of course I'd leave he has changed his mind about you. Shame he hasn't got the guts to be completely straight with you.

CatToddlerUprising · 10/06/2019 14:01

He wants you there because he knows you want to be. If you ended things and moved out- would he try to get back together? I very much doubt it. If he won’t set a wedding date- he doesn’t want to get married. How often do you visit him abroad? Or is it only when he comes back home? He says he wants children- but won’t set a date or live with you without your in laws, he’s either living the single life abroad (and wants a sure thing when he comes home) or he doesn’t have the balls to end it

Apolloanddaphne · 10/06/2019 14:06

How often do you actually manage to see each other?

Original poster
chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 14:20

I have been to visit 3 times, and he has been home once. He wasn't supposed to come home at all due to the course timings, so roughly every 4/5 weeks. When he was in the UK, we saw each other every week and there was an inbetween where he was home for 3.5 months.
He wanted to try for children at the start of the year, but we delayed it.

OP posts:
Divinelyuninspired · 10/06/2019 14:44

Why would he/you try for children when he lives in another country? I think you both need to be more settled and stable before you make any more plans as even though you are engaged he sounds as if he is messing you around.

CatToddlerUprising · 10/06/2019 14:45

I think in his mind it’s over and he’s waiting for you to get fed up and move out. At the end of this course- what if he decides to stay abroad but says you can’t join him?

Original poster
chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 14:50

@divinelyuninspired He is due to come home next month. We didn't expect to fall pregnant quickly bearing in mind how often we see each other, but ultimately we didn't "try" as such because I wanted to be more settled.

@cattoddleruprising He has to come back to finish his course, it's unlikely he would return to where he is now because of jobs. But going abroad is a possibility.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/06/2019 15:07

Do not get pregnant.

He is trying to tell you he has checked out of the relationship but he doesn't have the balls to actually say it, even though you offered him an 'out'. Probably because you're still living with his parents.

I'd start making plans to move ASAP.

Musti · 10/06/2019 15:12

Why did you move into his parents and then he moved away twice?? What course is it that he couldn't do remotely or closer to home? Do you work? Are you near your friends and family?

This all seems very odd.

Original poster
chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 15:17

@musti We moved back to his parents so that I could save money and to give me a little security, relationship wise and not living on my own/in a house share. Also so that he could come home when his course allowed. There wasn't anywhere closer for him to do it and a certain part of it has to be done abroad. I am near lots of lovely friends but family are a few hours away, this was the case when we got together, nothing to do with him.

Thanks everyone for comments

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 10/06/2019 15:35

to give me a little security, relationship wise and not living on my own/in a house share.

So to control you?

Musti · 10/06/2019 15:38

So he's coming back next month? So basically, he gets you to move to his parents and commit yourself to him, then buggers off. Then he wants you to get pregnant but now he wants you out of his parents and won't think about getting married for a few years.

And you're just going along with all this?

The man doesn't really love you or may have changed his mind or realised that he doesn't miss you.

Regardless, I would move out and lead your own life according to your wishes. If he loves you enough to want to marry you and be with you, then he can make the changes to do so. Don't let him make all the decisions!!

Rabbiting0n · 10/06/2019 15:45

How old are you OP? The course he is doing; is this something he has always wanted to do, or was it a curve ball?

It's a little confusing. You lived together after 8 months of dating. Then moved to his parents' annex when he started the course. He says he wants a child and has proposed, but he doesn't anticipate living with you when (if) he moves back to the UK? Have I got that right?

If so, your relationship is moving backwards, as you lived together before you moved into the little annex. That aside, your relationship sounds like it is very much on his terms. You are supportive of his career and will live where you need to live in order to be with him, but what is he offering you in return? Where is the compromise? Sorry if this sounds rude or patronising, but it sounds like me at 21. Me in my 30s would make very different decisions now if I had a do-over, and that's despite still being with my DH who I made those sacrifices for.

If you love him and don't want to give up on your relationship (as PPs have suggested) I would try taking to his parents. If they're expecting you to stay until he gets back, but he's talking about you moving, it implies that he's changed his mind somewhere along the lines. Perhaps they can do some digging to find out why? He may be more honest if his parents ask him?

Either way, I think you deserve more than waiting around for him. If he truly loves you, it's possible that he thinks the same.

Original poster
chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 15:56

@furiousvexation I don't know if it was a control thing, but I'm sure it is easier for him when he was able to visit.

@musti yes I have been happy to go along with this when we had the same end goal, but clearly now we don't, so I appreciate your advice there.

@Rabbiting0n I am 27, so is he. The course was a bit of a curve ball, yes. We lived together for about 15 months before moving back to his parents. Yes you are right though, when he moves back to the UK. No it's not patronising, right now there isn't much compromise but I was expecting that life would even back out after he has finished the course. I don't want to give up, but honestly it doesn't sound like I have much choice.

OP posts:
feministwithtitsin · 10/06/2019 16:03

So, you moved in with his parents, he did a course an Hour away? Why didn't he just commute? It's really not that far. Perfectly reasonable to do for 10 months. He obviously wanted to live away.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, he moves abroad, leaving you still at his parents?

I don't understand why you put up with this.

To answer your question, would I leave, yes I would, but I am afraid he has beaten you to it OP 😞

flyingplum · 10/06/2019 16:06

This sounds really similar to my own relationship. We have done the long distance thing for a literal decade, and now we're trying to recombine our lives I've realised that we've really grown apart emotionally. Like your partner, mine doesn't see it - he thinks we're fine. I've tried talking to him about it, but it's difficult to have these conversations with him. We're going away for two weeks on saturday, and I'm going to see how things are after we have some time to actually spend in each other's company. I feel like we've been doing the milestones, but somehow, it's just become the motions.

My head is all over the place at the moment - it's so hard to make decisions in relationships like this, where nothing is 'wrong', just it's all a bit 'meh' too. We've been trying for a baby for the last 18 months, and have just been referred to the fertility clinic, and I think that's not helping. I'm now scared of getting pregnant because I'm doubting everything about our relationship.

I think you owe it to yourself and him to work on the relationship, not just throw it away, but there does have to be work put in. We got lazy - don't make the same mistake.

Good luck OP.

ncqtime · 10/06/2019 16:07

The cheek of suggesting you move out of his parents' house in time for his return!

ncqtime · 10/06/2019 16:10

If I interpreted that correctly?

ilikepurple · 10/06/2019 16:12

Yes I'd leave.

Original poster
chickenlittle12345 · 10/06/2019 16:13

@feministwithtitsin It wasn't as straight forward as that, he was literally in school from 07:30 - 3:30 and studied all evening, commuting wasn't an option. Again, the abroad thing was part of the whole situation, but yes he moved abroad.

@flyingplum Thank for your your advice, I hope you get the outcome you want following your break, good luck to you too.

OP posts:
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