Would you leave?

[chickenlittle12345]

NC as this has lots of outing details but really need some honest opinions.
Have been with my fiance for almost 3 and a half years, engaged for just over a year. We moved in together within about 8 months, and lived together for just over a year before moving in with his parents. He then moved away, to begin a course, and we lived about an hour apart for 10 months. He then moved to a European country to continue with his course at the beginning of this year and has been there ever since. I still live with his parents.
Our relationship has been on the whole fairly happy, he was at a low point before beginning his course as he was unhappy with work. I have had various low points since the course was signed up for mostly due to feeling like I am not a priority when he makes any life choices. We got engaged three months into his course, quite unexpectedly and it was very much a nice show of commitment for me to support him through.
We have discussed houses, weddings, children, life choices etc. several times and have been more or less on the same page about things. He has been very keen to try for a baby for the past 6 months but I want him to finish his course and get married and settled first. He has been very open about where his career may taken him and I have been supportive of this. I have had many wobbles, insecurity/anxiety wise but have done my best to explain and support.
Yesterday he told me that he didn't think I would be living with his family long term and that I'd be happier living closer to my friends. He has said he doesn't expect to be living together when he comes back from his course as it is too small a space for us both. He also said that he doesn't plan on getting married for a few years and doesn't see the rush. Everything else "happens if it happens", and he doesn't see the need to speak about this of have a plan in place to ensure we are on the same page.
He has been known to be very fickle and change his mind about these kind of things, and will say things without thinking them through.
I am not financially dependent, no children, house or anything, but very in love. Would you leave?

@ncqtime It certainly comes across that way, or he said he would find a flat whilst I lived there as it is just too small for two people (it is).

Thanks @chickenlittle12345. I don't really know what i want out of it, tbh. It's complicated. But I've been where you are a number of times, where I've almost ended it. Now, after we've been together so long, i can't imagine doing it. Or rather, I do imagine it (I've done this a lot over the past few weeks) and all I can see is how heartbroken and confused he'd be. And I wouldn't really be able to give him closure, because it would be hard to explain why i was unhappy. I suppose I am hoping that I'll remember why i was so madly in love with him in the next few weeks. Otherwise this summer is going to be brutal.

@flyingplum I totally understand, for one, I don't even know if it's my choice right now, but I just feel totally heartbroken and confused too, and would be even more so to actually leave! I hope you both get closure either way x

Hi op,

I think he has changed his mind or likes the idea of being engaged etc rather than the reality.

I would leave because we all deserve better.

Did you discuss you moving and commuting then? It doesn't sound much like you figure in his long term plans

He wanted you at his parents so you wouldn’t get a life and cop off with somebody else while he was gone. You’ve suspended your life while he’s been kicking up his heels and living a good old life without you. I’m betting he’s been mucking around with other girls the whole time he’s been away. What are you doing OP? You should be out living your life at your age not hanging around with somebody else’s parents wasting away waiting for a bloke who doesn’t even want you! He’s just gone back on everything he ever said. Where’s your pride? Get yourself gone and back to your own family and sort your life out. Stop basing your life/decisions on some bloke! This is such a weird set up! I don’t know how you didn’t see any of this. So weird!

Sorry, posted too soon, how do you feel about not living together when he gets back?

@feministwithtitsin We did discuss commuting but it didn't look like it would work and in hindsight it definitely wouldn't have. It doesn't sound like I figure at all. I presumed we would live together once he got back, there's no reason not to.

He is backing off from the relationship. Giving people 'an out' never works with people like this, because they don't want to be the ones to end things - they are waiting for you to do it. And of course, while you are still nominally in a relationship, he gets the benefits of a girlfriend while he looks around for someone new.

If you stay, this won't end well, either way OP.

But if you leave, and if you tell him that this is not the relationship you signed up for, and not a relationship you would ever consider having children in (please don't consider it), and so you are ending it, then who knows? Maybe it will shock some sense into him, if he genuinely isn't backing away.

Of course, if he is, you'll never hear from him again. But either way, you'll know.

Honestly, leave. He is just taking the piss. You have made so many compromises. You have put him and his career first and he re pays you by saying that he is happy to get you pregnant, but not live with you? Find your anger, it will help.

And thank your lucky stars that you didn't agree to start trying for a baby. You could be writing this post 6 months pregnant.

Any tips on where to find the anger from? At the moment I just feel confused and sad.
I don’t know whether being ready to leave will shock him to his senses or not, or whether too much has been said and done :(

You need to take control and decide what YOU want. I think he has checked out of the relationship and is hoping you will take the hint. Get back some control and be proactive. Don't just sit around miserable and hoping he will give you the answers because l don't think he will.

Aww chicken. I can feel your pain. Its a really horrible position to be in. Do you have any close friends to talk to?

I think that @Countrypie is right. I think you need to take action. Get yourself away from him and his parents house. Hopefully the distance will make you see it for what it is and then you will find your anger.

I’m lucky that I have wonderful friends, so that is a huge plus here. I’ve told him I don’t want to speak so I can focus on what I want. It’s harrrrd. Thanks everyone

Yup, leave. He's trying to tell you it's over without telling you it's over. Maybe he hopes if you move from his parents then it will just fizzle out.

Well done for taking the first step!

I hope you have taken advantage of where you are living to save some money.

You may or may not have a future but once you are independent then the future is viewed from an equal platform

Yes I have, that was part of the point of me living there, to save money. Its close enough to work and my friends etc. So it’s not as bad as perhaps it comes across.