Think my 24 year relationship is coming to an end

[Tiredoftryingtomakeitwork]

I'm feeling so sad and defeated. Have been trying for years to make it work, but I think we've finally reached the end of the road. There is fault on both sides, but ultimately, I think we are just incompatible. We were never right for each other.

We haven't argued as such. There has been no deception, no infidelity. Just two different people wanting two different things. I should never have married him and I've known it for years, I just haven't wanted to admit it.

He isn't a bad person, and I still care about him. In his own way, I think he cares about me, or at least about doing the right thing. I guess that's why we have both stuck it out all these years, in spite of our better judgement. But I think we have acknowledged today that we are making each other unhappy, and it has got to stop.

I don't know what to tell dd (14) or how she will react. I also dread telling my family. They will be supportive but shocked, as I haven't ever discussed our problems. Nobody in our extended family is divorced, same for DH's family. I just feel so ashamed that I haven't been able to make it work.

I've been upstairs in my room all afternoon, since we had the conversation. I have to go and get dd soon, but we have agreed not to tell her yet. He will move out, we haven't talked about when.

I still wanted to try to make it work. Partly because I do still care about him. Maybe partly for dd's sake, too. And maybe because I'm ashamed to say that our marriage has failed. However, he wanted all of the changes to be on my side, and I said that we would both have to change in order to make it work. He isn't willing to do that, so there is nowhere else to go.

I feel so empty. I have spent nearly a quarter of a century with this man. More than half my life. And now, all of the time and energy that we have invested means nothing. I will probably be happier without him in the long run, but right now, it feels like such a waste.

Don't know what I'm looking for from this thread, really. Just needed to get it all out somehow. Life is shit sometimes.

It will get better. Have a handhold....

Thank you TheWorld.

Logically, I know it will get better. I just can't see it right now.

Well if you know it will get better there is hope.

Here, I’ll hold your other hand. My 25 year relationship ended a while ago. It’s sad and continues to be so, but it really does get better.

It's not a waste. You have a DD. You sound like you may still be friends at the end of this. You haven't wasted your life.

You will be happier without the emotional drain of trying to make the impossible work. You will be able to focus on your needs.

So what if no-one else has divorced? They don't have to live in your skin. Your daughter won't be the only friend in her group with divorced parents. There isn't a stigma to it these days.

Chin up. You can do this.

Sounds tough. Sorry OP

You can't save a marriage on your own and he isn't committed to saving it.

You are being an excellent role model for your dd by ending the marriage, so that is a big positive.

And you are valuing yourself properly and opening up space for good people and experiences to come into your life.

Counselling can be good at times of change in your life and grief can be part of the change process for the relationship you are moving on from.

I was married to my exH for over 22 years and I recognise the feeling that you have wasted your life and just how draining that is.

One of the things which really helped me was deciding that, since things clearly had to change, I was going to throw everything up in the air and start again because this was my chance to build the life I wanted, free of anyone hanging over me and criticising. A positive start rather than a negative ending.

I spent a lot of time thinking about who I wanted to be and how I wanted my future to be. Ultimately I moved house and changed jobs (several times) and spent a lot of time in counselling learning to understand why I had accepted the relationship I was in.

For years my exH had told me I was boring and unattractive, fit only to do a legal job I hated and carry 100% of the home and childcare while he had lots of time to himself to do his music, work late to enhance his career, socialise (and it turned out, have lots of affairs to boost his ego whilst destroying mine) and have lie-ins because he was "tired".

I knew neither the job nor the typecasting were right, but I had to be on my own before I could start to build a very different life which was right for me.

Don't underestimate how long the process of working out what you actually want can take, but for me just having choices rather than being a satellite round my exH and my DC has been incredibly exciting.

I'd recommend you take some time to think about how you want to live and who you really are and maybe consider some counselling.

Thank you all for your kind words. You're right that it isn't a waste. My dd is incredible, the most amazing thing in my life. I cannot regret my relationship because I wouldn't have her now.

I don't think we can stay friends. I would like to, but I don't know if he is capable. He blames me for the breakdown of our relationship. I have contributed, but he has also played a part, and he can't really see that. There is a lot of anger. Actually, I don't think all of it is anger with me. I think a lot of it is anger with himself. He has not achieved what he wanted to achieve in life. That isn't my fault but he is projecting.

My biggest worry is my dd. I know that lots of kids have divorced parents, but I think she will feel abandoned. He will almost certainly leave the country when we split - he isn't from the UK and hates it. He thinks he will be happier elsewhere, but I think it isn't a question of location. Or the marriage to be honest. I think he has to be happy with himself or he will never be happy in any other location or with any other person.

He and dd are not close. He does love her and she loves him, but he doesn't know how to interact with her. I have been facilitating their relationship for years. He resents the fact that she is so close to me and feels pushed out by it, but he doesn't make the effort to build their relationship. He thinks she won't miss him if he leaves, but she will.

I was in almost exactly the same situation as you almost 2 years ago. He left, it was acrimonious to start with but we have a sort of routine regarding our daughter now. I’m sometimes still sad, and wonder if I should have tried harder but these feelings pass. I no longer walk on egg shells in my own house, don’t worry about his drinking or money, and ultimately live a much calmer life. I’ve started dating (not very successfully!) but I’m moving on, and you will too. Very best of luck

Thank you. Good to hear that things have worked out ok for others in similar situations. Counselling is probably a good idea. I will try to see it as a fresh start, but finding that difficult right now.

Sorry to hear that. What do you believe are the changes he and you would need to do to save it?

Hand hold from me too. My 17 year relationship ended and I also thought of the wasted years etc. But, like others have said, they were not wasted. You will have had some amazing times and you have your lovely DD too. Sometimes we have to go on these journeys in our life to finally reach happiness.
Your DD will be ok. My 2 sons are doing brilliantly and I really worried about my 11yo. Just be honest with her and talk to her about it as often as you can. Remember she needs to learn positive things about relationships. You wouldn't want her to end up staying in an unhappy one when she is older. Good luck OP.

What do you believe are the changes he and you would need to do to save it?

Things he would like me to change:

He'd like me to be less messy and clean the house more. I am not very good in this area. I am a hoarder by nature, though I have decluttered a lot over the last few years. I am not very good at tidying up after myself or putting things away. I do clean but not as often as I should. He does clean but says it's hard when stuff isn't put away properly. I accept that, and if I'm honest, I could probably try harder. I'm just not convinced that being tidier would fix things.

Also, in my defence, I work full time in a demanding role, and for the last ten years, I've paid for everything - the mortgage, food, petrol, utilities dd's clothes and activities, school stuff etc. He works part time (can't find full time employment) and pays for his personal expenses/sending money to his extended family at home. I also do all the cooking, all of the shopping and most of the stuff for dd. So it isn't like I don't contribute, and I'm often too tired when I get home to start cleaning. That said, I do want to sort the house for myself and dd, as well as for him, and I have been trying to get it done.

He also wants more sex. Not unreasonable as we don't dtd that often any more, but for me, that's symptomatic of wider problems in the relationship. If he made more attempts to communicate and was more affectionate on a day to day basis, I'd probably be more inclined, but he doesn't so I'm not. He says that he is frustrated but cannot see how this aspect of our marriage is connected to everything else.

He doesn't talk about it much, but he wants me to lose weight. He says that he is concerned about my health but I think there is an aesthetic element as well. I am very overweight, and his concerns are not unreasonable, but again, I'm trying, and I wish he would be more supportive and encouraging about it. I think the main problem is comfort eating, again due to unhappiness in my marriage.

He says that I'm too controlling because he thinks that dd listens to me, not him. He doesn't seem to recognise that at 14, she is now old enough to have her own opinion. I am far from controlling but dd does listen to me because we have a very close relationship and she trusts me. He doesn't make much effort to listen/interact with her, and then gets frustrated because she doesn't take much notice of her lectures. Then he gets upset with me because I haven't taught her to do whatever he thinks she ought to do. For example, she dumps her school bag in the hall when she gets home from school and this really bothers him. He asked her to put it on a shelf instead, and sometimes she does, but she forgets. I also remind her/put it there myself if I see it, but half the time, I just don't notice. I don't think it's a big deal, but he sees my failure to notice as a failure to back him up.

Things I'd like him to change:

I'd like him to make more effort to interact with both me and dd. To actually listen to the answer when he asks how our day was. To spend some time with us. To just take an interest instead of going through the motions.

I'd like him to notice all the good things that I do from time to time, rather than just complaining about the minutiae that I haven't accomplished. I'd like him to acknowledge that I work hard for the benefit of our family, and that I contribute a lot. I don't think he sees this. When I've tried to tell him, he takes offence and thinks it is a criticism of him, which it is not.

I'd like him to be affectionate in a non-sexual way. Just a hug with no expectations would be nice.

I'd like him to clean the house without telling me how hard he has worked or how disgusting it was, as if he has somehow stepped in to do a job that I had been neglecting. I'd like him to offer to cook occasionally too - he used to do all the cooking when we first got together, but at some point, he stopped.

I'd like him to get some proper support for his mental health, and to learn how to control his moods so that they don't cast a dark shadow over the whole house. I'd like him to accept responsibility for his lack of career success, instead of constantly blaming it on location or other people.

Sorry for the long post. I don't think any of it is going to happen. Ironically, I'll probably make better progress with losing weight/sorting out the house if we split. And he'll have even less of a relationship with dd.

We aren't really rational creatures, are we?

his lectures

You aren't alone, been with h 27 years and yes I feel a failure and haven't told my parents yet. My girls are a bit older and know, one isn't really accepting it, the other told me I deserve better than her dad (not the reaction I expected but she's outgoing like me, he's not).

We still share a home but not a bed for now. I'm still hoping I suppose but it's really hard. Take care of yourself - it's ok to cry and try to find someone in rl to confide in, my boss has been brilliant trying to get me extra work elsewhere (I'm only pt)

I read through this thread with absolute astonishment - i almost wondered if id written it without realising. I can identify with so much of what you say, right down to facilitating the relationship between DD and DH.

All i will say is, when he leaves, you will feel better (and may well lose the weight - i did, because i wasnt drinking loads of wine to block out the misery of being with him).

Good luck!

If you work full time and he works part time, he should be doing the vast majority of the housework.

He sounds lazy. (The rest actually he sounds a lot like my DH.)

So, he's wanting you to lose weight and have more sex but in the next breathe, not doing anything to make you feel good about yourself or doing chores round the house nor being generally appreciative and friendly and affectionate?

I think in 6 months you'll be great, he won't. You're already paying for everything and doing pretty much everything. I think the only difference you'll see is the occasional night off when DD goes to her dad's new house, and less mess and stress created by DH. A much lighter atmosphere at home, and your DD is old enough to be quite independent.

I'm sorry to hear that you're in the same situation, stuck. It's crap, isn't it?

I don't think my parents will be surprised really. They know that he and I are very different, and they probably can't work out why we got together in the first place. I think they will be sad, though, and perhaps worried about me having to cope on my own. They will worry about the potential impact on dd too. To be fair, dh has been very good to my parents over the years, it is one of his strengths.

I'm not sure how dd will take it. I think she will find it easier not to have him around in some respects, but I also think she will be very hurt if he just takes off abroad and hardly ever sees her.

I'm glad that one of your dcs has taken it well, stuck. I hope the other one will understand in due course.

So, he's wanting you to lose weight and have more sex but in the next breathe, not doing anything to make you feel good about yourself or doing chores round the house nor being generally appreciative and friendly and affectionate?

Essentially, yes. I don't think he is lazy though - he does work hard and he does do stuff in the house, but he is depressed and everything takes a lot of effort.

I think the atmosphere will be lighter in the house, but dd won't be going off for nights at his house, as he will almost certainly leave the country.

funny, I'm sorry to hear that you've been in a very similar situation. I take it from your post that you eventually decided to split? I hope that it has worked out well for you.

Anyone still there? The silence in our house this evening is deafening.

DH has essentially stopped speaking to me. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I want to talk about the practical stuff, like when we're going to tell people, finances, how he will maintain a relationship with dd. He clearly doesn't want to talk. I know it's hard, but we have to face it somehow. If this is the way it's going to go, I just want to get on with it.

Feeling so stressed and anxious about it all.

I understand the deafening silence. It's crushing. It becomes a little easier when the anger begins to rise. Lists were my friends.

I'm sorry to say this but you are going to be so much happier in a short while.

Nothing is a waste just because it doesn't last forever.

I'm not going to say too much about the practicalities because I haven't had to leave a relationship with children, but my main view is that you have a right to RL support. who would you like to tell? Do you have a sister or good friend you can tell and let off steam to? ideally someone who also knows your dd?

I have already told a couple of close friends, one of them knows dd well. I'm seeing her tomorrow. Not really ready to tell family yet.

Have managed to get DH to talk a bit, but am cross because he clearly hasn't given any thought to how he is going to maintain any sort of relationship with dd. He says it's up to her, but she is 14 FFS.

I guess that just underlines why this split needs to happen. However, I also don't know if it's just his depression talking, because he keeps saying she'll be happier without him. I'm just so disappointed that he can't see that this is about us, not her.

Regarding finances, he is saying that he doesn't want anything from me or from our shared house. He put down quite a big proportion of the deposit on our house, but I paid the mortgage until we cleared it. I don't really know what's fair. He has some savings which he will keep - I think around £30k, but maybe more. He also owns some land in his home country, but he doesn't have much in the way of a pension.

I don't feel that I can tell dd what's happening until we have some sort of plan about how she is going to keep in touch with her dad, but that means we have to pretend everything is fine until we have found a solution. I can't stand the pretence.

DH is sleeping in the spare room. I can hear him crying. I know he's devastated, and it makes me so sad. A part of me wants to go in and tell him that it will all be ok, but I can't because it won't.

I think he genuinely feels that he is the victim in all of this. He believes it's his destiny. He seems to have no capacity to empathise or see a different point of view. I actually feel really sorry for him, but I am so mad with him too.