Think my 24 year relationship is coming to an end

[Tiredoftryingtomakeitwork]

I'm feeling so sad and defeated. Have been trying for years to make it work, but I think we've finally reached the end of the road. There is fault on both sides, but ultimately, I think we are just incompatible. We were never right for each other.

We haven't argued as such. There has been no deception, no infidelity. Just two different people wanting two different things. I should never have married him and I've known it for years, I just haven't wanted to admit it.

He isn't a bad person, and I still care about him. In his own way, I think he cares about me, or at least about doing the right thing. I guess that's why we have both stuck it out all these years, in spite of our better judgement. But I think we have acknowledged today that we are making each other unhappy, and it has got to stop.

I don't know what to tell dd (14) or how she will react. I also dread telling my family. They will be supportive but shocked, as I haven't ever discussed our problems. Nobody in our extended family is divorced, same for DH's family. I just feel so ashamed that I haven't been able to make it work.

I've been upstairs in my room all afternoon, since we had the conversation. I have to go and get dd soon, but we have agreed not to tell her yet. He will move out, we haven't talked about when.

I still wanted to try to make it work. Partly because I do still care about him. Maybe partly for dd's sake, too. And maybe because I'm ashamed to say that our marriage has failed. However, he wanted all of the changes to be on my side, and I said that we would both have to change in order to make it work. He isn't willing to do that, so there is nowhere else to go.

I feel so empty. I have spent nearly a quarter of a century with this man. More than half my life. And now, all of the time and energy that we have invested means nothing. I will probably be happier without him in the long run, but right now, it feels like such a waste.

Don't know what I'm looking for from this thread, really. Just needed to get it all out somehow. Life is shit sometimes.

Am also frightened that he'll panic and change his mind tomorrow, that I will cave, and that we'll end up staying together for more years without resolving anything.

I knew a couple at school where wife was crippled with mental health problems and we only ever saw the Dad.
Fast forward a couple of years and they separated. Wife sorted out her mental health and was a new woman. The marriage was a crutch and when that was gone, she had to look after herself and her girls.
This separation may be the best thing for him

Thank you wee. I hope you are right.

Struggling to sleep right now.

Agree with Weenurse. It’s so hard to see the father of your child upset. I was so worried about my XP when we split (still am occasionally). But 24

... years is long enough to know you won’t “fix” him. A new start may be the making of both of you. Sorry you’re going through the really tough times now though

Gosh, I'm going through the exact same thing and I'm finding it so hard. Absolutely everything you've said applies to my relationship but with an emotional affair thrown into the mix plus a secret bank account. 27 years and three DC. I lost my mum six months ago and he did nothing to support me which was making me extremely resentful but it's the bank account that made me tell him to go. I phoned him tonight and he still hasn't got the balls to tell me what he wants. He needs to go, you will start to feel better straight away. I am heartbroken but posting here made me realise I am not on my own.

You could book a couple of joint counselling sessions, with the aim of getting onto the same page about your dd (not about trying to stay

It could be very useful to have an independent 3rd party ask him the questions he doesn’t want to answer. Also it is a very mature move, and gives all your family/friends a sense of comfort that you’ve organised this with grown up deliberation and that it’s ‘in hand’. It might stop them all putting their oar in.

Chin up, it was always going to feel crappy and sad for a while. There will be tears all round. Your sympathy for him will lift soon enough, but you might have to work more on the sense of guilt you’re holding. Guilt speaks to your strong empathy skills, but use the empathy directly in practical ways rather than wallowing.

You’re the captain of this ship, you know the charts are right and that the storm will pass. Have faith, and fake the confidence a bit for your dd. My parents divorced at that age, and I saw little of my dad afterwards. It didn’t break me. These days technologies help a lot with absent dads. Find them some online hobby they can relate through, and leave them to it.

Good luck, you’re wonderfully brave and caring!

Meant to say *(not about trying to stay together)

Thank you so much for all the lovely posts last night. I did eventually manage to get some sleep.

I don't think he would agree to counselling, even about dd. I will ask, though.

I think women are programmed not to hurt people and so will do anything to not do this. This is why you feel as you do.

I hate to say it but reading this as an outsider he sounds like a cocklodger to me and someone who is crying because this nice comfortable life is about to change. He can’t find full time work? Come on. That is bullshit. Why can’t he? There are thousands of jobs out there. We have the highest employment rate for years currently. He is then using “his” money to send it back to his family! Absolute pisstake that.

What you are doing is absolutely the right decision. I know it will be hard for you because you sound nice and caring.

Your daughter will be fine because you are the main person in her life.

As for the rest, you will stop comfort eating when your happiness returns and it won’t return if he stays in your life.

Sometimes you have to be strong. This is one of those times.

Good luck

MrShifter, I get what you're saying, and I know that's what it looks like, but he genuinely has tried to find work. I think it would have been much easier for him in a big city, but the options are limited where we live. He has done some quite difficult part time work with very antisocial hours at different points during our marriage. He is not a shirker. However, he cannot drive, and that limits his options. Also, English is his second language and his IT skills are mediocre at best. Unfortunately, his poor mental health has not helped either.

I have never had any issue with him sending money home to his extended family. He made it clear from the outset that he would need to support them. I love my in-laws, and they do genuinely need the money.

I know I have to be strong and I'm trying. I hope you're right about dd. I'm just worried that she will feel so rejected by her dad if he walks away from her as well as from me.

I wouldn't leave the country where my 14 year old lived. Does he have to leave?

If he doesn't have to leave but chooses to I think that says a lot about him as a father.

If he doesn't have to leave but chooses to I think that says a lot about him as a father

I don't neccessarily agree with this, if he has family etc in another country who can emotionally support him maybe it would be better for him than to be stuck alone here. The main thing is that he makes an effort to stay in touch with his DD and come over to see her, or vice versa. But that is definitely up to him, and not DD.

Time to put yourself first now OP.I left a marriage after 25 years, it was the hardest thing ever and I felt terrible but we all have our limits.