exH: 'It's none of your business' re Dd?

[StripeyChina]

I left H 2.5 years ago. We are not yet formally separated /divorced
I left for a variety of reasons including that he is emotionally repressed and quick to temper if 'pushed' (ie asked to interact normally imo) the marriage had been dead a long time.
He visits the kids at my place (variety of reasons inc they don't want to go to his) They are 14 and 11.
My 11 year old has just beeen dx'd with ASD (14 yr old also ASD)
She is refusing to wash / shower atm and it is very wearing.
She will simply refuse / walk off etc. I have been to a ASD / PDA workshop and am following recommendations and gritting my teeth

Earlier, I walked into the room and exH was trying to get her to have a shower. She was refusing and he was physically blocking her from getting past him as he spoke very loudly (not quite a shout but not far off). She's quite wee and he's quite big so I said: 'let her go' and she ran off to her room crying. It took me a while to calm her down. She said he hadn't grabbed her but that she didn't feel safe. I said that she had every right to feel safe in her own home and that I would speak to Dad and ensure that he doesn't do that again.

When I spoke to him and relayed this he said that she was over reacting / he hadn't touched her etc. I said: nevertheless she didnt feel safe and THAT is what matters.
He then said it was 'none of my business'. I said if my child feels unsafe it is very much my business. and also that it had made the whole 'shower flashpoint' much harder now.

I don't think I'm overreacting.
I have told him if it happens again he'll have to go home.
But I don't know if that's my poor relationship with him affecting things?

What a dickhead, of course he’s out of order, I’m in the same boat as you (split with ex a few years ago but he still stays over to help with our ds (9) who is non verbal autistic).

You’re totally correct, this will aggravate the whole shower/ bath issues.

Stick with the ultimatum with regards to it happening again and hope your dd can manage to get through her bathing anxieties.

How horrible . You are definitely right. If you wouldn't put up with him blocking your way and using his size as an unspoken threat in your home then it's not ok for your children either. His telling you to mind your own business is not ok either. It's a disrespectful way of talking to you and shows your daughter that your voice can be overruled ( by him, and potentially therefore by her) in your home. That can't be good for any teen let alone one with PDA. You write about him as if he is very dominant. Did you invite him to do his visits in your home or did he decide? Do you feel you would be able to stop this if you need to? 💐 for you .

I'm getting the silent treatment.
I cooked Sunday Lunch as always (he has cooked perhaps 3 meals in 14 years and doesn't even help dish up or wash up).
I dished up for the kids, left the room quickly to go to the loo, and he'd helped himself to a large plateful (he has 2 or 3 helpings). I include him in meals as it would seem petty not to, but he pays no maintenance and simply expects it which annoys me.
When I came back in he sarcastically said: 'thank you for cooking the children a hot meal' (which I do every day?).
15 mins later he said ' I'm leaving now'. (he usually leaves around 8pm) I asked him if he'd checked with the kids if they have homework / uniform organised for tomorrow, before he says goodbye to them, but he 'needs to get off' apparently. Obvs i will do this but I made the point as he never bothers with any actual parenting. His fucking shirt is hanging on the line as he put that in the wash too.

the best bit is, he wants me to give him some money. He's left me a pro forma letter on top of the printer. He got ds to help him print it out but has made no reference whatsoever about it to me.

Time to call a halt to all this really isn't it?

How? I already left him.
He sees the kids here or he wouldn't see them. Would that be better?

He doesn't pay maintenance yet uses your washing machine and eats your food?
Fuck that, in the strongest possible terms.

Your DD said she doesn't feel safe, why on earth would you continue things because the only person it suits is the dickhead who bullies his DD who has ASD.

He's got you exactly where he wants you and he knows it too.

Stop thinking about him and start listening to your girls. It's their home, not his.

Also, go to CMS, he's not stepping up to his financial responsibilities.

He has visitation at your house, gets his meals done for him, and doesn't pay any maintenance. It's almost the same as not even separating.

Stop visitation at yours. Stop feeding him. Persue maintenance payments.

So... he sees the kids at yours, you cook for him, he eats your food, doesn't contribute in anyway....

So why did you get divorced as you're acting like a married couple

Wow, he's a cocklodger really, isn't he?
You need some boundaries, op.
No more meals,no more washing, definitely money.
As for seeing the kids at yours? There are lots of solutions, he takes them out. Doesn't have to be expensive meals out but it is up to him to put the effort in now.
Stop facilitating him Op. Imagine how wonderful it will be to know your space is your space and he won't be polluting it .

Sorry OP but you need to take control here.

Get your ducks in a row. See a solicitor, bar him from the house, pursue him for maintenance and have him organize his own contact with the kids.

If he never sees them, all the better. Hes a fucking arsehole who scares your dd.

You shouldn't be cooking and cleaning for your ex and not even getting maintenance from him. It sounds like you have poor boundaries with him, and your DC are now falling victim to those poor boundaries. Only a man who believes he is fully entitled to do whatever he likes, would tell you that your own dd is none of your business.

Plus your DD won't have to deal with not feeling safe with her Neanderthal father.

He's like a vaguely interested Uncle with the kids - tolerant for a bit if they amuse him / go along with his plans for a walk / film etc but switches off / disappears / worse if not. And he has about the same sense of responsibility re daily routine/ poor emotional connection.

It does feel like he is living (squatting) here although he's not.
But I really don't think the kids would see him otherwise.
I get no 'time off' but at least they see their Dad?

I grew up in a house a bit like this, with a self-abasing mother and a disinterested father. I guess I have felt so keen for my kids Dad to be involved that I have put up with a lot from him. But I was upset for dd earlier and felt he was bullying her.

It sounds a lot like your kids would be better off without him - he's a complete fuckwit

This situation is not doing anyone any favours. Why on earth are you trying to play happy families by cooking meals and whatnot? Totally confusing for the kids and totally unfair on you all.
He's out of order and needs to go. If the kids don't want to see him then let him file for a child arrangements order. Get maintenance via to cma and model good boundaries.

Sorry x posts!

Yes his behaviour to me is totally disrespectful.
He has a poor connection with ds, 14.
But now dd is hitting puberty and answering back / refusing a lot he is not coping with that. Both kids are ASD. I suspect H is too. But i also think he is an arse.

So i wanted some feedback re the interaction with dd earlier.
Thank you. this is all helping.
I'm goint to make an appointment with a lawyer.

If he wanted to see the kids, he would find some way of doing it. The current arrangement isnt helping any of you.

In your shoes, i would be stopping the contact at the house, and ABSOLUTELY stopping the food and washing service! When my exH and i first split, we all went out for dinner a few weeks later, to try and "be normal" for our DD, but it really backfired on us and her behaviour deteriorated. Now her dad and i have very very limited contact, and things are going much better.

Got to agree with everyone else, he’s taking the piss, and you’re letting him. I don’t mean to be harsh, it’s just, I’ve done it, exactly what you’re doing. Now although ex still stays over (ds cannot stay anywhere else and has major sleep problems), it provides me the respite to get a full nights sleep. I don’t wash his clothes or provide meals although occasionally he has eaten here. Set boundaries with him and if he doesn’t bother coming to see the dc because he’s not getting a free ride from you then that’s down to him.

If the kids really want to see their dad then he will have to take them out. They are at an age where they can decide if they want to see him or not. I'd stop facilitating contact at your house.

You need to stop being nice to him. I tried this, my ex had a key , I used to do his washing trying to stay friends for the children. But all he did was take advantage.
Hopefully he’ll find a gf soon and he’ll leave you alone.

He makes other arrangements or he doesn’t see them.
It doesn’t sound like he’s be a big loss.

Bloody hell, woman, stop pandering to this idiot! What money does he want you to give him? Is he quite mad?

Agree with everyone else! He doesn’t pay CM? Twat! Get that sorted out first. Set your boundaries!

Both kids are ASD. Both dx'd late (due to crap local systems not kids)
exH has kept his low paid job going over the years as I have done all the 1am / 3am wakings / the meltdowns / school refusals / endless appointments etc. I wanted us both to work part time but he's always refused - someone has to look after the kids, so I have not worked for some time. I am also disabled myself.
2 years ago i moved out so I could try to access better provision for kids in a neighbouring area. As this was not a certainty, H stayed in the family home (we'd not be in a position to buy another) and pays the (small) mortgage with the (unwritten) agreement i could return if i wished. I've paid for ALL costs at my end, inc petrol to visit kids.
There was quite a lot of nastiness re 'my home' - he comes in and 'marks his territory' as it were but i have mostly ignored that.

But the bit with dd this am upset me and I needed to ask if that was influenced by my frustrations with him / situation or if others would have thought it 'not good' in standard circs, iyswim?

ps the bit about wanting money is he says if i want to move back into the marital home i need to buy him out so he can use the £ as a deposit on a modest (mortgaged) flat for him. He'd have to stay on the main house mortgage too as the mortgage providor will not transfer into my name due to my employment status. So hes pushing HARD for me to sign papers and transfer my (modest) savings.

I need a lawyer re all this i know. It was dd I wanted to ask about.
I'm really appreciative of all input though. I am rather isolated and struggling against depression atm so all 'outside input' welcome!

This is financial abuse. He sounds like a bully and you sound exhausted. Please try to access some support irl. A call to women's aid is a start and might help you unpick your position. Your doctor may also be able to access some counseling for you. This is really not ok, you deserve the same respect and rights as all other people...not just what he decides is "fair" i.e best for him.

OP as family solicitor....

1 stop this contact. You are allowing him to expose your vulnerable children to his abuse of you. If he won't make some other arrangement then good. This is harming both of them

1. Do not sign a thing!

1. Try to get to see a solicitor for full advice.