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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it bad enough to leave?

26 replies

Losttbh · 09/06/2019 11:49

He calls me names when he's angry or stressed. Now we have a child together I just can't get over it bit don't want to break up our family if it be better to stay.
I have no money or many friends or family to really go it alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Losttbh · 09/06/2019 11:51

Has anyone been with someone who does this or gives them silent treatment and slams door ect for them to stop and change or is it just going to get worse

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 09/06/2019 12:13

Its going to get worse if you stay. He thinks he has you trapped now you're a mum.

What support can you access?

Sn0tnose · 09/06/2019 12:19

It’s not breaking up a family if you decide to go. It’s protecting yourself and your child.

AuntMarch · 09/06/2019 12:30

If you're unhappy, whatever the reason, it's bad enough to leave.

Original poster
Losttbh · 09/06/2019 12:35

It would be women's aid or an organisation if I was to leave. He apologiesed for the first time today but I felt that was because his parents heard. He's doing up our house but I'm scared what he'll be like when we're on our own we currently live with his parents where we have our own kitchen and space ect but we aren't completely alone. I told him I wanted to end things today and I'm just so confused he makes all these points which make me think it's all me and I just don't know. I would never be able to provide for my child like he could and I have this fear because I had postnatal depression if I was to leave his family would get my child. They have lawyers and solicitors in the family and I just convinced myself it be worse thing I could do and just hope it gets better as he's really stressed right now with work and doing up the house.

OP posts:
krustykittens · 09/06/2019 12:42

The minute you are scared it is time to go. His family will not get your child because of PND and you might find your depression lifts when you leave this dick head.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/06/2019 12:43

He makes you feel it’s your fault because he doesn’t want to take responsibility. The things you describe are abusive - unless he accepts this then it will only escalate over time. It will grind you down and affect yours Children’s views of what a healthy relationship looks like. If you can muster up the strength leave now.

PicsInRed · 09/06/2019 12:43

What Furious said.
Abusers start or escalate when freedom limiting life events occur such as moving in, marriage, pregnancy, birth.

You are in a catch 22 situation as he will continue to escalate unless you leave and will get much worse again if you then take him back.

Unfortunately, long term, there's no solution but to permanently leave an abuser. Do it before his abuse impacts your mental health and he potentially attempts to use that in child arrangements proceedings - abusers can and do attempt this.

Leave whilst you are still in a strong child residency position.

Original poster
Losttbh · 09/06/2019 12:46

I was in a physical abusive relationship years ago went to court got re homed and its different from that as it's not physical it's just name calling being passive aggressive, silent treatment, slamming doors things like that and I don't know if the past is making me think it's more than that or it's triggering me.

He tells me he calls me names ad it's only way he can get through to me as I'm so defensive and emotional

OP posts:
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/06/2019 12:47

That’s why the laws have changed to recognise that emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. The abuse is still abuse - just a different form.

PicsInRed · 09/06/2019 12:48

I told him I wanted to end things today and I'm just so confused he makes all these points which make me think it's all me and I just don't know. I would never be able to provide for my child like he could and I have this fear because I had postnatal depression if I was to leave his family would get my child.

Ok, I cross posted with the update.
Leave now, see your GP, get counselling and antidepressants if needed. File for child residency immediately and fill out the c100 form re:domestic abuse, documenting its impact on you. You need a good solicitor to act on your behalf and have a barrister speak for you in court. You can do this. Do it now, before he breaks you and do not allow him to terrorise you out of escaping. Flowers

Don't tell him any further personal feelings - take that to the counsellor and GP.

PicsInRed · 09/06/2019 12:48

Look up emotional abuse and coercive control.
You'll find him there.

PicsInRed · 09/06/2019 12:49

Document it in your c100.

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/06/2019 12:50

If you’re asking the question then you already know the answer. Nobody asks if they should leave if things are fine.

Try to call WA or you local domestic abuse service when you get some time when he’s not there. Please keep it quiet until you’ve got everything sorted. He’ll try to gaslight you and make you doubt yourself and he could get nasty. Just keep it under you hat until you’ve talked to WA or local org. They’ll advise you and help you to plan how to leave safely if you want to. Remember, statistically the most dangerous time is when a woman is trying to leave. Abusive men can’t bare losing control.

Good luck OP.

00Sassy · 09/06/2019 12:53

He calls you names because he lacks the intelligence to properly articulate his point of view.

It’s his problem, not yours.

You can leave whether it’s ‘bad enough’ or not. This is your life too Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 09/06/2019 13:30

Its still abuse if you are called names.. you need to make plans to leave. Is there no family you could go to at all?

Bananalanacake · 09/06/2019 13:48

do you have no friends because he stopped you seeing them,? that is very controlling.

Original poster
Losttbh · 09/06/2019 14:04

No I grew up in care so never been close to my family. I have a sister near by but her dog does not like babies so couldn't go there. He's never stopped me seeing people or been controlling with money or anything. He's never checked my phone or acted jealous it's just the name calling, silent treatment. Passive aggressive. Breaking slaming doors. It's the sense of stepping on egg shells that I relate to. He took me away from poverty and gave me a life that I would never be able to have. I need more to throw that away as stupid as the sounds I'm scared if I left I would then be on my own with my baby not being able to provide for her they could have full custody if they pushed for it.

OP posts:
Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/06/2019 14:07

Have you had previous social services involvement op? It sounds like he has got you feeling grateful to him and also dependent. Emotional abuse damages children. You can prevent that.

looondonn · 09/06/2019 14:11

All the clever replies on here and so so apt

Please please leave

This site helped me when I had no clue what to do

I was conditioned to believe it was all my fault

They do that to you

You sound very sensible
In many ways I was not so he almost killed me

Took me 25 attempts to leave

Ignore the Bs that you will lose your child
Utter nonsense

You are leaving to help you and your innocent child

So sorry to hear that has happened to you

Post here as much as you can !!!!!

PicsInRed · 09/06/2019 14:21

her they could have full custody if they pushed for it.

They can apply.
Unlikely they will succeed.
As I write above, you need to immediately get yourself to to your doctor. Be treated for your depression. Also have them document the abuse (tell them you want to "disclose" to them).

You need to make the first child arrangements application. You need to move first. Don't let them move first as they will be more able to argue faux "concern" 🤨 around your child's wellbeing.

In all seriousness, OP, this is your Monday.
Secretly make solicitor appointments, secretly attend doctor. If you are able to access a printer partner doesnt have access to, just print and fill out the child arrangements application and c100 yourself and file Monday or Tuesday. Your local court may have a PSU which can help you to fill them in. It's about £200 to file. Contact the police, log with them (yes, it's a real thing, I've done it and "log" is the word they used). Advise them that you are leaving and scared. They'll likely put a flag on your house for faster response. Approach the council and advise them of the domestic situation and ask for urgent rehousing options. In your position OP, I would strongly advise that you move to a refuge and file at the same time. Fleeing to a refuge will do two things - make you safer at the very dangerous point of leaving an abusive man and also demonstrate to the court that you are genuinely afraid of this man. Flowers

yiskasha · 09/06/2019 14:23

If you have to ask this question... it's time to leave.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 09/06/2019 14:30

Could it be that because you grew up in care you could be more likely to put up with shoddy behaviour/abuse to keep your family together? Don’t settle for abuse. You and your dc are worth so much more.

glitterfarts · 09/06/2019 15:08

How about instead of "is it bad enough to leave" you think "is it good enough to stay?"

Is this what you think love looks like?
Is this what you want?
Is how you feel OK? Safe? Loved? Kindness? Like he has your back?

I'd go to a refuge too - you can also do the Freedom Programme whilst there.

Original poster
Losttbh · 09/06/2019 16:32

Thanks for all the replies.

I've told two separate doctors and they put me on meds last December but all one did was ask what names he called me and just said oh that's not very nice. I remember a big part of me was like maybe how I'm feeling is because of him maybe this is relevant and the other one I said I felt trapped but I have no where else to go.

I did the freedom program years ago after what happened. I'm such a fool.
I just think it can't be bad enough as no one in real like has said anything other than that's not nice and he shouldn't do that ect

I'm so torn

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