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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this?

58 replies

LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 15:41

NC from my usual username for obvious reasons, I will try and keep this as brief as I can.
I have a male colleague who Is also a friend, we became close over the past year or so.

He says we have a connection and is very flirty with me, we are with each other I guess. I will sometimes start work earlier (as required by my boss) and he will come in early too and come to chat/have coffee.
We take our breaks together at work, we have lots in common and he often talks of me being his work wife. He is very tactile with me and will often stand close behind me whilst talking.
We are both married, children etc. Is this more than friendship? Or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 16:08

Our friendship was completely platonic at first and then it was him who began messaging me, nothing sexual. Just general good morning messages and sometimes throughout the day.

I think I need to talk to him and dial back the banter with him so boundaries aren’t confused.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2019 16:11

You've been going about with blinders on, op. You already knew this relationship is inappropriate. That's why you posted.

PicsInRed · 08/06/2019 16:13

He's pursuing you. For an affair. Of the physical variety. You intend there to be no physical element, but he's grooming you and plenty before you have conducted these emotional affairs without an intent to take them physical but have found themselves convinced.

His pursuit indicates that he is the initiator of the inappropriately close "friendship", which IMO makes him slightly worse - for the intent of it.

Are you in a vulnerable place right now, OP?
Illness, or relationships problems or something else major which might make you seem vulnerable and therefore manipulable?

If you value your marriage (and family) I would advise cutting contact altogether. Nothing good will come of this. You're likely not his first and won't be his last.

DizzySue · 08/06/2019 16:16

I think your friendship has just (ever so slightly) entered emotional affair territory.

You need to step back, set some boundaries or you will end up hurting everyone around you.

I think you are loving the attention though, and I'm not sure you will be willing to give it up.

thewreckofthehesperus · 08/06/2019 16:17

You are easing yourself into an affair. He might be your friend but hes no friend to your relationship. How would you feel if your husband was carrying on like this behind your back? I'm sure he doesn't know anything about this either so surely that's the first clue that what you are doing is wrong.

If you carry on down this path you're playing with fire and you know it otherwise you wouldn't be posting. Any focus you put on this new friendship is distracting you from your marriage so I'd be thinking long and hard about what you really want. Either put that focus back on your marriage or decide to leave your husband so you can both be free to do whatever you want.

Show your husband the respect he deserves to at least end it amicably and without dragging another person into it. Affairs ruin lives and can seriously affect relationships with children too. Think how you'd feel if you went down this path and got found out. His family knowing, your family knowing. Ending your relationship and trying to co parent with your ex with that hanging over your head.

DizzySue · 08/06/2019 16:18

It won’t because I would never let anything physical happen

This is how all affairs begin, nobody walks around openly looking for an affair to destroy their marriage. Affairs are between people who had the best intentions to never let anything physical happen.

HollowTalk · 08/06/2019 16:20

If a man is messaging you "Good morning" for no other reason than to be in touch with you, you've crossed the barrier already. Who does that to someone they're not interested in? I think you and he are already giving more attention to each other than to your partners.

Robin2323 · 08/06/2019 16:22

Well I suppose the question is;
Do you fancy him?
If yes the friendship is over.
If NO (he's a troll ) there isn't a problem :)
I have very supportive male friends but they all look like my bother lol

Original poster
LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 16:22

No relationship problems on my side or his (I think).
Maybe we both just like the attention, who knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 16:23

Robin - yes I do, but I’m more attracted to his personality, we are scarily similar.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 08/06/2019 16:28

we’ve both had some rough times over the past year and so have been there for each other

OP, he's using something.
You may not want to go into details here, but there is some sort of vulnerability in your "shark cage" (google it) and he is exploiting it.

You have no way of knowing whether his "rough times" even happened. Could just be a story to reel you in.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 08/06/2019 16:33

It’s wrong and you know it. You are attracted to his personality. You are scarily similar. What you are doing is wrong and hurtful and you should be ashamed of yourself. Your poor DH and his DW. You ask “what is this “.....it’s deceit and seedy is what it is.

AzraiL · 08/06/2019 16:39

Honestly, missing his friendship for a little while before you adjust is peanuts im terms of price compared to the potential shit storm that it otherwise brewing. Good luck, OP.

Original poster
LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 16:39

Pics - I do know they happened, for sure.

I think we both know if we were both single it would be different between us, he has said as much before.

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 08/06/2019 16:40

Just cut it off! What’s more important? Your husband and your children, or some sordid flirting in a cafeteria?

DizzySue · 08/06/2019 16:41

How would you feel if your DH had a work wife like this?

Original poster
LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 16:46

I probably wouldn’t care tbh as long as it never was physical.

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 08/06/2019 16:47

This is so blatantly obvious 😂

You've just said it yourself, if you were both single it would probably be a different matter

ChristmasFluff · 08/06/2019 16:49

I once had a male boss who I got on really well with - we loved all the same things, we really 'got' eachother. We both used to come to work early and stay late, and would get into chats etc. It was pre-mobile phones, but if we'd had mobile phones, I've no doubt we would have been sending eachother memes, and commenting on facebook posts etc. When he had a really horrible thing happen, he came to find me and cried, and I held him as he sobbed

HOWEVER we both acted exactly the same when partners were there, and our partners were always part of the conversation. Neither of us ever wondered if we were interested in eachother, because there was no 'real' flirting - despite a huge connection and despite us both being very flirty people in general (so there was the 'general flirting' that we would do with the world and his dog, nothing more). I also hero worshipped him in a work sense - he modelled the type of manager I wanted to be, and the type of service I wanted to provide.

So the fact is, it's perfectly possible to have a very close working friendship/mentorship, without anything weird going on. but that isn't what you have happening here, is it, OP?

You don't have to 'cut him off', you just have to go back to normal working relationships and not being a 'work wife', whatever that patronising phrase means. I'm pretty sure you have a work persona all of your own, that doesn't relate to him in any way, shape or form.

TheStuffedPenguin · 08/06/2019 16:50

I probably wouldn’t care tbh as long as it never was physical.

Yeah right ......if you really feel like that then your H means very little to you .

LizzieSiddal · 08/06/2019 16:54

He is very tactile with me and will often stand close behind me whilst talking.

You need to tell him not to do this, it’s not appropriate as it’s clear you fancy each other.

You’re playing with fire. You’ve had lots of warnings here, it’s up to you whether you choose to listen or not.

Original poster
LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 16:55

I admit our flirting is very sexually charged, for instance I have a back strain which flares up almost weekly, he will offer to massage me (haven’t done it).
Sometimes though he will say it all just a ‘joke’ or banter.

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyCharm9 · 08/06/2019 16:57

ChristmasFluff - I don’t think he would act this way if his wife were there. In fact I know he wouldn’t as he met my husband once, said hi and walked off.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/06/2019 17:00

I think what you should do is this:

Imagine your husband's face when he sees the emails and realises what's going on (emotional affair.)

Imagine your husband thinking "fuck this" and telling you he wants a divorce.

Imagine sitting your children down and telling them that you are getting a divorce because you had a relationship with another man.

That is the reality. Forget this tosser who wants to massage you. Cut all contact and find some other friends to go to lunch with.

LizzieSiddal · 08/06/2019 17:00

Is this a wind up? Honestly unless you’re about 15, no one is this naive.

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