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Original poster

Partner moving in.

43 replies

wishing4sun · 07/06/2019 15:12

This is going to be long so I apologise in advance.
BBit of background I have a 17-year-old son and was single for a very long time. I met my partner 11 months ago, and have been in a mostly happy relationship, he has decided to leave his job which required him to live 30 miles away so we only saw each other at weekends and occasionally in the week.

He wants to move in with me, (I've never lived with a man other than my son) I'm not averse to the idea but just so worried it would be to much of a change for me, I like my life, I like doing things my way.

His great and when his here helps out with chores and does the stuff I've been putting off he and my son get in well. (Most important thing) .

Just confused and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 07/06/2019 15:14

Has he got a job near you ? Have you talked about how he's paying his way ?

Original poster
wishing4sun · 07/06/2019 15:21

Not yet and I have stated that if he doesn't get a job I won't even consider it, but he has a few different options so don't think it would be a problem him getting a job.

Money is one thing that's worrying me I've always payed everything and don't even know how you share it out.
I feel so silly to have got to 38 and never had to think about this stuff.

OP posts:
bringthethunder · 07/06/2019 15:43

I think that you need to tell him that you will discuss him moving in with you once he has a job - as really, until that time you won't be able to calculate what is reasonable for him to pay.

When I lived with my ExP I just told him what 50% of the household bills were i.e. rent, council tax, utilities, tv, internet. He could either pay me X amount for food, or he shops and supplies 50% of the food. I told him a figure and had him set up a standing order for payment in advance of each month.

If he can't afford to pay 50% of the bills then would you really want to sacrifice your home and haven? I know that relationships are based on more than just money but I think once you get to a certain age, we get less open to compromise and more independent. Other than because you love him and want to spend your life with him (which you haven't said in your OP), then having some additional help with the finances is the key incentive.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/06/2019 16:27

Do you own your house?
Is it mortgaged?
Do you rely on any benefits that will decrease if you have a live in partner.
Personally, I'd ensure money was sorted out first.
He will need to pay the extra 25% council tax that you will incur.
He will also need to pay 35% of the bills. I don't think 50% is fair with a 17 going on 18 YO in the house as well.
Then agree a rent amount.

But.... it's all a moot point unless he has a job.

If you like your space though, and haven't lived with a bloke for 17+ years, you are gonna hate having someone in your space constantly.
So if you agree. It's temporary only and he's on probation!

AlwaysCheddar · 07/06/2019 16:39

Nope.... too soon.

category12 · 07/06/2019 16:49

He needs a job first, no way would I be taking on a bloke I've known less than a year who'd just chucked in his job.

Why did he chuck it in with nothing to go to? Not exactly winning any prizes for responsibility, is he? Are you sure he resigned?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/06/2019 16:53

Nope. If you're not ready for this then DO NOT let him move in.

If he wants to move closer to you then great. But can he take a short-term lease for 6-12 months first?

11 months is a really short space of time when you only see each other at weekends.

You also need to work out if spending more time together works for you both. The leap from seeing each other at weekends to every single morning and evening and every night is just too much too soon.

And yes, he needs to get a job first too. Or he'll get his feet under your table with nothing to contribute.

Trust your gut judgement.

SkinnyPete · 07/06/2019 17:00

have been in a mostly happy relationship

When you say mostly, what do you mean? Sounds a bit tentative.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 07/06/2019 17:04

You don't sound massively certain, listen to your gut. If he wants to be nearer to you he can lodge in a room or rent a flat in your town but doesn't sound like you're ready to move in!

Bananalanacake · 07/06/2019 17:15

less than a year is too soon. is he definitely going to pay his way.

Original poster
wishing4sun · 07/06/2019 17:22

All good points Thankyou very much, I do love him and want to spend more time with him, but am also aware that that would be very new for me. He definetly did leave his job and not get sacked it was a job that he entered in to a partnership in a pub that hasn't worked out for him for many reasons, I have a friendly relationship with the other partner and know all the facts.

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 07/06/2019 17:24

Eleven months isn't very long. I would suggest you tell him you love your relationship the way it is and would like to continue like this for longer.

Then in the future, IF you feel in your heart that you would like him to share your space and your life in this way, then you can think about all the finances and stuff like that.

Eleven months is a very short time to know someone and to then give up your independence etc. It will also change your relationship and may make it more humdrum than exciting. Depends what you want!

Ellisandra · 07/06/2019 18:18

11 months and only “mostly happy”?

If you do this, I would recommend that you invite him to stay at your place Mon-Fri (or whatever his working week is, if he works in pub trade it won’t be that) for 3 months. In that 3 months, he has to pay his share of food and any extra in utilities you think he’ll use. No rent, because he’ll be keeping his own place on. See how that goes - both in terms of what he’s like to have around a LOT, and whether you get any negativity around paying his way.

The benefit of doing it 5 days a week is of course that if it doesn’t work out - you can send him on his way. It’s not so far that he can’t commute until he changes his job again, and as you haven’t forced him to quit his current one, you won’t feel obligated to let him stay past his sell by date!

freeingNora · 07/06/2019 18:23

I’m sorry but this has alarm bells ringing for me. This guy is doing an awful lot of telling you what he’s doing and just assuming you’ll go along with it. He’s also made you feel obligated to him oh I gave my job up for you etc etc. If I were in your shoes I’d do a boundary test. Tell him flat out no you’re happy with the way things are then watch his reaction. But I think you know this already your op sounds like you’re too afraid to tell him how you feel that’s a dead relationship before it’s begun

category12 · 07/06/2019 18:54

OK, but leaving a job with nothing to go to and suggesting he moves in at the same time, is really not a good start. Hey, my job isn't working out, why don't you support me, new girlfriend...

Divinelyuninspired · 07/06/2019 19:16

Are you sure it’s that easy to get a job straight away? It wouldn’t be in my area.

Divinelyuninspired · 07/06/2019 19:17

How is he going to pay his way if he’s not working?

I don’t think you sound keen.

Ghostontoast · 07/06/2019 21:20

No one has mentioned the cockles her word yet!

lifebegins50 · 07/06/2019 21:25

You feel uneasy so don't ignore these instincts. You don't need to justify why you feel uncomfortable. It's too soon, it came from him so not mutual consent, he gave up a job so there is "pressure", you haven't discussed finances, it will impact your son.

There are many reasons why not to do this and one major reason why..it suits him

Can he stand on his own feet financially? If not then it is likely his motives may not be genuine, even if he is acting lovely now.

What is his relationship history? Moving quickly is often a red flag..you should value what you have worked for so don't give it up easily.

Original poster
wishing4sun · 07/06/2019 22:30

Thanks I really do appreciate a different view of it, I was just getting all confused and overthinking it I should go with my gut feeling that's what I would always tell other people I guess just different when it's your own situation.

OP posts:
Grumpelstilskin · 07/06/2019 22:40

This has 'cock lodger' stamped all over it in giant letters! Given it is your home, he should not be the one bringing it up and pushing for it.

Walkacrossthesand · 08/06/2019 14:08

I agree with PPs - the sensible way forward is for him to look for a job close enough to you that weekday evening meet ups become easy; then he rents somewhere close to work; then you see how it goes over the next year or two, with a view to moving in together if it's all hunky dory.

The very fact that he's asked if he can move in, knowing that he's unemployed, is a red flag for me I'm afraid.

poglets · 08/06/2019 19:47

Absolutely no way you should start living together and take on responsibility when he has no job. Total mistake - you're starting off on completely the wrong foot.

Only 11 months together - don't see the need to move in together to be honest.

I'd be very wary as you don't really know what is reasonable to expect from someone - and that is him paying his way.

darjeelingisrank · 08/06/2019 19:55

What Nora said. WTAF? Are you always this passive? NFW. You haven't known him for very long 'mostly happy' and he tells you he's quit his job and he's moving into your house?

C'mon. He's done a number on you.

You tell him 'NO. You need to rent somewhere here at first.' 'But I can't afford it' 'I didn't tell you to quit your job' 'But I did it for you!' 'You didn't even ask!'

He's really good, got you doubting yourself and rolling over for him and you've hardly known him.

BumbleBeee69 · 08/06/2019 20:11

I’m sorry but this has alarm bells ringing for me. This guy is doing an awful lot of telling you what he’s doing and just assuming you’ll go along with it. He’s also made you feel obligated to him oh I gave my job up for you etc etc.

Correct

This has 'cock lodger' stamped all over it in giant letters! Given it is your home, he should not be the one bringing it up and pushing for it.

Correct

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