OLD guy SEEMS great.... but I have niggling doubts. Views appreciated!

[constantreader]

So I have dipped in and out of the whole OLD scene but never got anywhere. I get a lot of messages, 99% of which are dross and I ignore. Occasionally I've exchanged a few messages for a few days but there's never been anyone I've felt a spark with. A few days ago I got a nice message from a guy and we started chatting. He seems lovely, we're getting on well and by the next day we've moved to WA to talk there.

All good, I'm getting a good feeling from him so far, and when he asked if he could call I said ok - this is the first time I've actually spoken to someone from OLD and we got on brilliantly. Easy, funny conversation, talked about loads. The next couple of days we were still messaging but I noticed a change in tone - I put this down to him being busy at work. No big deal.

We've both talked about what we're looking for and I've made it clear that I'm not into hook-ups, I'm looking for a relationship and he has said the same. Actually he brought that up first.

My niggles are these; he was reluctant to tell me his surname - I kind of understood him protecting his privacy but this did strike me as him hiding something. However, the next time we spoke he told me what it was. Here's my second niggle - I cannot find him anywhere online, bar an old FB profile with no photos of him. His job is quite specialised so I thought he'd pop up on google, but no. I'm wondering if he's given me a false name? (I'm aware I seem stalkery here!)

We undoubtedly have chemistry and he's told me he enjoys talking to me, as I do him. We seem to be looking for the same thing. I have been single for three years and my marriage was sexless, and I want to get back in the game, and he has a similar story - we have also been open about this side of things. I perhaps feel a bit overwhelmed because he is incredibly open about what he thinks and wants, and I am SO not used to that in a man. If he's telling the truth about himself, he is ticking all the boxes. I just don't want to be taken for a mug!

My ex-DH was a full-blown narcissist and I'm not getting the same vibe from new guy. BUT I am all too aware of the whole love-bombing scenario and while I don't THINK this is what he's doing, I can't help but be wary.

Any thoughts?

Have you actually met him yet?

not yet, although we are making plans to. This has only been going on since last weekend! It just feels quite intense quite quickly.

Don't waste too much time chatting online, meet him in person, (safely).

He may be mirroring you. Best way of finding out if he's for real, is to make it real.

You're reaading far far too much into this person if you haven't met him yet.

Are you sure you're ready for online dating?

At this stage I've usually exchanged a couple of messages, maybe a breezy call, then arrange to meet for a coffee.

I would definitely 100% not tell a total online stranger my surname. Yes you sounds stalkery and massively over invested.

I had an ex who didn’t show up on google but he was a police officer and very careful. It is possible. But he wasn’t reluctant to tell me his surname.
What was the change in tone?

I think I’d be wary too

you're right. I will get a date (daytime, coffee) arranged

I don't think he's mirroring me - he's the one that has told me what he would like and there wasn't much in my profile for him to find out about me, if that makes sense.

You need to meet up ASAP to see if you click in person otherwise all this chatting is pointless.

I don’t think a lack of online presence is necessarily a red flag. Some people (me included) just don’t have much of one.

I have been single for three years and my marriage was sexless, and I want to get back in the game, and he has a similar story - we have also been open about this side of things. I perhaps feel a bit overwhelmed because he is incredibly open about what he thinks and wants, and I am SO not used to that in a man

If you mean you've been sexting each other or talking about sex I'd advise against doing that before you meet someone. You might find them gross in person.

I know chesty, this is all new to me and I'm just finding my way! I do have a tendency to overthink too

The change in tone was just from very flirty to not flirty at all - I put it down to him being at work

You’ve not even met you, You are very weird all this googling and giving this far too much head space.

Some people just aren’t online, You wouldn’t find anything about me online either.

You don’t undoubtedly have chemistry, you haven’t met! People can be very different online to when they are standing in front of you.

All this chatting is pointless less, it means nothing. Get a date arranged.

Yes meet early and I wouldn’t give details about your sex life or lack of it before you even meet as it can be awkward if you don’t like him on sight or a date doesn’t even come off.

Arrange to meet ASAP ( somewhere safe )
You need to see his body language when you ask him about his life.
No FB account for example, ask him about this & see his reaction.
It’s not a given that everyone is on FB of course, but that, together with nothing online about his job......I don’t blame you for being a bit concerned.

thanks all, I realise I come across as being over-invested! However I don't agree that all the chatting is pointless - I'd never turn up to meet someone I'd not spoken to a good few times and gotten a feel for their nature. I think the chatting is pretty essential really.

Yes I'll get a date pinned down.

With respect and kindness I think you need to be more careful.

Theres nothing wrong with chatting but never let someone see any of your vulnerabilities until you have some good reason to think they're a good person. Btw this comes with actions not words. Someones behaviour is the only way that you can tell what they are.

So until first meeting its superficial chit chat. Then during first meeting assess his behaviour, is he nice to you, kind to the waiter?

Then slowly over the course of several meetings get to know them. You can kiss and have sex whenever you want but never let someone know you're insecure or sex starved or bruised from a narc ed until you trust them. Boundaries. Protect yourself.

Ex not ed.

Chesty's right.

You wouldn't hand a stranger a weapon, in the same way you need not to give them the psychological tools to harm you.

oh God no, I haven't told him I'm sex starved! and only mentioned the ex in passing. He's told me more about his past relationship than I have told him. We're certainly not sexting either.

Some guys look for that. Not most, but enough.

Oh, that's good then. Just go and meet him. See if you like him. Please dont judge him too much if he gave you a fake surname. I would have done and I'm a good person. Good luck 🙂

You are very weird all this googling and giving this far too much head space.

@PinkHeart OP is not weird, what a ridiculous thing to say. She only met the guy a few days ago, perfectly normal to want to make sure there's a connection before meeting him. It's not like they've been messaging for months.

Chesty thanks for your advice! Much appreciated.

Antigon thank you! I don't think I'm being all that weird... I'm in my mid 40's, this is a whole new world since the last time I was single. I have heard so many bad stories about OLD, and I've been burned by horrible men. I just want to go in with my eyes wide open and not do what I used to do, which would be to fall head over heels for the IDEAL and end up with a total bastard....

Googling people is very sensible if you're anticipating meeting them - not weird at all, get with the times .

I went on a date with someone without knowing his last name. Got an odd feeling off him, saw his last name on his debit card, went home and googled him. He'd been convicted for a violent homophobic attack.
I google everyone now, dating or not!!

I don’t think there’s any harm in googling. A brief check - why not ?
If my ex gave his real name online his conviction for DV would appear quickly.
Clarity is important, no point wasting time.

No ones saying don't google. But googling, drawing inference, worrying about changing text moods, and then posting on mumsnet about the intentions of a man you haven't met yet is perhaps a sign that you are over invested.