OLD guy SEEMS great.... but I have niggling doubts. Views appreciated!

[constantreader]

So I have dipped in and out of the whole OLD scene but never got anywhere. I get a lot of messages, 99% of which are dross and I ignore. Occasionally I've exchanged a few messages for a few days but there's never been anyone I've felt a spark with. A few days ago I got a nice message from a guy and we started chatting. He seems lovely, we're getting on well and by the next day we've moved to WA to talk there.

All good, I'm getting a good feeling from him so far, and when he asked if he could call I said ok - this is the first time I've actually spoken to someone from OLD and we got on brilliantly. Easy, funny conversation, talked about loads. The next couple of days we were still messaging but I noticed a change in tone - I put this down to him being busy at work. No big deal.

We've both talked about what we're looking for and I've made it clear that I'm not into hook-ups, I'm looking for a relationship and he has said the same. Actually he brought that up first.

My niggles are these; he was reluctant to tell me his surname - I kind of understood him protecting his privacy but this did strike me as him hiding something. However, the next time we spoke he told me what it was. Here's my second niggle - I cannot find him anywhere online, bar an old FB profile with no photos of him. His job is quite specialised so I thought he'd pop up on google, but no. I'm wondering if he's given me a false name? (I'm aware I seem stalkery here!)

We undoubtedly have chemistry and he's told me he enjoys talking to me, as I do him. We seem to be looking for the same thing. I have been single for three years and my marriage was sexless, and I want to get back in the game, and he has a similar story - we have also been open about this side of things. I perhaps feel a bit overwhelmed because he is incredibly open about what he thinks and wants, and I am SO not used to that in a man. If he's telling the truth about himself, he is ticking all the boxes. I just don't want to be taken for a mug!

My ex-DH was a full-blown narcissist and I'm not getting the same vibe from new guy. BUT I am all too aware of the whole love-bombing scenario and while I don't THINK this is what he's doing, I can't help but be wary.

Any thoughts?

I'd never turn up to meet someone I'd not spoken to a good few times and gotten a feel for their nature

Really not sure you tell a lot online.

Can you arrange a meeting and reschedule close to last minute? See how he takes it and decide if it's worthwhile meeting after you see how he reacts to a setback/change of plans.

There truly are many completely normal/nice people with no online presence - my sibling and I for a start!
Trying to ascertain changes of tone in text is very hard even when you’re married to someone - I really wouldn’t overthink that and presume work/tired/rushing. Go with the positives - he’s choosing to be in contact, he’s happily spoken on phone and conversation has been pleasant...arrange a date and good luck!
(I met my lovely DH through OLD)

Really not sure you tell a lot online.

So how do you decide who to meet up with? She can't just meet every guy who messages her.

My biggest piece of advice (learned the hard way from dating many narcissists) is to not reveal too much information about your personal backstory, hardships, insecurities too early on with anyone.

Narcissists will reveal alot about themselves (usually lies) very quickly about past relationships etc which gives you a false sense of intimacy so you open up and they will later use this information against you.

If he is a normal guy, this intimacy will grow naturally over time and will feel natural.

I'm concerned you have already told him so much information about your past relationship. Try and keep the conversation to more restricted topics at least until you have been on several dates.

Trust yourself and your gut and you will be fine.

I don’t google before I’ve met someone and no one would find very much if they googled me as I have come off Facebook and LinkedIn. No dodgy reason just having a clear out.

I second Chesty about boundaries too. Narcs hate personal boundaries and will push them over time.

Try and test his reaction on the 1st date and watch carefully e.g insisting you split the bill 50/50 and he wont listen and pays it all, pulling him up on something he said that doesn't add up and he gets defensive, if he insists on dropping you home and you say no and he continues to pressure you.

I wish I knew these signs years ago!

@chestylarue52 Finding out someone's surname and checking their story stacks up is what happens if you've had enough experience OLD and have been duped/misled by marrieds/people with OH. I won't go on a date with a man without his surname and the ability to check he is who he says he is. That's not stalkery - that's basically ensuring you don't waste your own precious time on a fuckwit

@alcoholyoulater that's actually an amazing bit of advice - I spoke to one guy on the phone once, we had a lot in common but had a niggling feeling about him. So I texted him later and said - I don't think we're a match. He went ballistic. So after - I did consider a softer version of that - a little amend to the date - see what his tolerance was.....I mean if someone's constantly flaking or dicking about with dates then obviously the person will get grouchy - but first time/best behaviour....should respond fine

@supercali77

Where did I say don't google and that googling is stalkerish?

Put his phone number into the search on Google and into the Search on Facebook.
See what comes up.
I always google people before I meet them.
It's just a sensible thing to do.
See if he is on LinkedIn.

But as others have said, get a date in sooner rather than later.
That's always good advice to follow.

@chestylarue52 OP's issue was that he was reluctant to give a surname and couldn't be found online. Your response was:

"At this stage I've usually exchanged a couple of messages, maybe a breezy call, then arrange to meet for a coffee. " then suggest that OP's stalkery - all she said she'd done was try to find him online.

In that case I apologise. Stalkerish was the wrong thing to say.

supercali77 I wish I had known to do it before being with my ex, would have saved me a lot of trouble 😏

hi all, quick update for you

I was right - it would appear he was a fake. I messaged him on Friday and said before we get to know each other more we should meet - he (eventually) responded agreeing with me. Since then - nothing. He didn't even read my last message.

My instincts were right yet I feel very gullible. He fired straight in with lots of chat and I took that as being hopeful that he was looking for the same thing as I was - but now I realise he was absolutely playing a game... he's figured out what I (and no doubt other women) want to hear and is using that. I feel a bit stupid but I'm glad I was onto him before I went any further...

Anyway I reported his profile to POF and when I checked tonight, it's been deleted. Obviously I've deleted and blocked him on my phone too.
Think I'll take a break from all this malarkey. Thanks all for your advice!

When you say he was a fake, what do you mean? Who do you think he was?

Reporting his profile seems extreme OP.

You'll find this happens a lot in OLD.

My advice after I'd OLD for years is don't get over invested after a few messages. You can't know that you've got chemistry without meeting IRL. Arrange a meet, in public ASAP and remember these are strangers you're meeting for a quick drink, they're not your groom