Dealing with extreme jealousy

[OMGMyLifeIsCrazy]

I am writing this post as somewhat of a warning to anyone who is dealing with extreme jealousy in their relationship.

Background:
My husband has been suffering with delusional jealousy for 2 years. He has had no proof that anything has ever happened behind his back because nothing has ever happened. Add to that the fact that I've barely left the house for the last couple of years (unless accompanied) and he still finds 'evidence' of my unfaithfulness. 5-10 mins alone in the house means that I have probably snuck my lover into the house via one of the back entries. An audio recording of the dog snoring on our bedroom deck is obviously the sounds of me having sex with my 'lover'. Visiting my parents and stopping for fuel on the way home means I have met my lover in the toilet behind the gas station. Plants in our garden dying means my lover has peed on them. The list of 'evidence' grows every week.

I am in the process of moving out - he won't move out because he believes I am the one being unfaithful. I am planning on taking our kids (11, 15) though not sure how this will go because he believes I am putting them at risk due to my 'lover' and the fact that I must have mental health issues as the only explanation for my 'affair'. He used to look at me with love - now I get looked at with shame, pity and distrust. My self esteem is at an all time low. I'm not myself anymore. Not being myself if more proof that I'm having an affair. Doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists (last one still in progress) have had no effect to date.

I love my husband but wish I'd left him a year ago before I crumbled. At least he still looked at me with love back then. I know I will be fine when and if I leave though it's going to break my heart. Even more so when he replaces me with another woman while I'm by myself too scared to get involved with anyone else.

I've been lucky. My husband is not violent but please ladies and gents (this can happen to either gender), if you find yourself in a no-win battle like this, leave sooner rather than later. You can't fix this yourself and the only way it might be fixed (or helped) is if the jealous partner accepts that they might be the one with the problem. Don't get dragged down with them, no matter how much you love them.

Happy to share my 'what helps and what doesn't help' thoughts if anyone out there is going through something similar. Two years has given me a wealth of experience.

^I can assure you all, that you will not read about us in the papers and there will be no violence in my home - ever.*

No you can't.

And it makes me want to throw things at my PC screen to see you post that.

You are dealing with someone who is so convinced that someone is breaking in at night that he upped and bought and installed NINE cameras and burglar bars and deadlocks.

Were you able to predict that you would come home to find all of that installed?

No. You were not.

There are other ways besides waving you all off to your new home that would make this very sick man feel better, and I cannot believe the psychiatrist has assured you that he won't choose any of them.

It has taken me a long time to find useful/helpful information and I hope my experiences can help someone else.
Please stop telling yourself that this situation is an ideal teaching moment for the rest of humanity, and get out of there before something terrible happens.

The only role in this for you is protection of your children and yourself from someone who has crossed the line from words to action in the context of the revelation that you and the children will be leaving.

Everything anyone needs to know about situations like this - every single lesson that is out there for the learning - is already out there, in all the headlines featuring murder-suicides and familicide.

It is a script that is painfully well known, and the statistics are there too. You and your children are right in the middle of the most dangerous and unpredictable time in any broken relationship.

Let us know how you get on OP.

Sorry I haven't posted an update here for a while. It's all been very emotional. I've been out for a couple of months now and all is getting better. I've finally stopped crying every day over the horrible situation.

Happy to say there was no physical violence and the emotional abuse was tame in the last few weeks. We talk on the phone most days but with the understanding that 'we' cannot be. He still has hope but I've pretty much given up. He is attending his psychiatrist appointments though the universe is working against him on that.

He skipped his 'diagnosis' appointment. Realised his mistake and made another appointment - I was soooo looking forward to this appt happening because the psych told me exactly what he was going to say at an earlier appt. He also advised me not to reconcile as DH has been in psychosis for a long time now.

The new appointment was cancelled last minute due to the dr being sick. The morning of the next appt, DH woke up with a severely swollen face from an infection that came up overnight. This wasn't an excuse. I dropped some panadol over to him and he looked like the elephant man. He should get his diagnosis next week but I have no doubt he won't accept or believe it.

In the meantime, we are just being friends. This was hard for the first month but it's gotten easy now. I feel bad for abandoning him but know this isn't my fault. It's not his fault either. He was originally a little controlling but we worked well together for the most part.

Looking forward to the next chapter in my life now that I'm not walking on eggshells.