Dealing with extreme jealousy

[OMGMyLifeIsCrazy]

I am writing this post as somewhat of a warning to anyone who is dealing with extreme jealousy in their relationship.

Background:
My husband has been suffering with delusional jealousy for 2 years. He has had no proof that anything has ever happened behind his back because nothing has ever happened. Add to that the fact that I've barely left the house for the last couple of years (unless accompanied) and he still finds 'evidence' of my unfaithfulness. 5-10 mins alone in the house means that I have probably snuck my lover into the house via one of the back entries. An audio recording of the dog snoring on our bedroom deck is obviously the sounds of me having sex with my 'lover'. Visiting my parents and stopping for fuel on the way home means I have met my lover in the toilet behind the gas station. Plants in our garden dying means my lover has peed on them. The list of 'evidence' grows every week.

I am in the process of moving out - he won't move out because he believes I am the one being unfaithful. I am planning on taking our kids (11, 15) though not sure how this will go because he believes I am putting them at risk due to my 'lover' and the fact that I must have mental health issues as the only explanation for my 'affair'. He used to look at me with love - now I get looked at with shame, pity and distrust. My self esteem is at an all time low. I'm not myself anymore. Not being myself if more proof that I'm having an affair. Doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists (last one still in progress) have had no effect to date.

I love my husband but wish I'd left him a year ago before I crumbled. At least he still looked at me with love back then. I know I will be fine when and if I leave though it's going to break my heart. Even more so when he replaces me with another woman while I'm by myself too scared to get involved with anyone else.

I've been lucky. My husband is not violent but please ladies and gents (this can happen to either gender), if you find yourself in a no-win battle like this, leave sooner rather than later. You can't fix this yourself and the only way it might be fixed (or helped) is if the jealous partner accepts that they might be the one with the problem. Don't get dragged down with them, no matter how much you love them.

Happy to share my 'what helps and what doesn't help' thoughts if anyone out there is going through something similar. Two years has given me a wealth of experience.

Hi OMG it’s strange how he’s changed tact now from believing with 1000% conviction you are having an affair to saying someone’s been in the house and putting locks on the doors and windows.
He needs to take the medication but you need to leave. How tiring for you and your children.
You sound like you have good safety plans in place.
Look after yourself.

Well done for getting out Motherofspaniel.🌺

That’s really good news OP

I doubt he's really "accepted" it.
No that's he thinks you're leaving, he's installed the means to lock you in for a long Come To Jesus chat. That will likely happen soon, for your "own good".

He doesn't sound mentally ill, he sounds calculated. You've been so busy trying to prove that YOU arent cheating, that you aren't looking at what HE'S doing. Is he cheating, or has he cheated on you? Classic misdirection.

At this point, I'd put money on HIM peeing on the plants.

You need to leave, not in 2 weeks, but as long as it takes to put precious things in a black bin bag.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have read your recent update with genuine alarm. Your husband has turned your house into a prison with the means to monitor your every move. I am not at all convinced he has accepted you are leaving and think this is just a change of tactic. You sound like you have considered the dangers associated with leaving but I hope your emergency plan is fail safe because I suspect you will need it. I am also concerned that the new security measures could present a risk in the event you all needed to get out if there was a fire.

I wish you all the best and really hope that your exit goes smoothly but I have to say the signs for that are not good. Please take care.

I’m reading this in a state of alarm.
I don’t think he’ll let you leave safely.
Go ASAP even if you stay with a friend or family in the interim.

You won't listen to this because you haven't listened to anyone else, but you need to run like fuck today because this man will kill you and your children

MargoryStewartBaxter is, sadly, spot on. The deadlocks, cameras and window bars are to keep you in not to stop burglars entering

Where are the keys to the new locks? Do you have a set so he can’t lock you in? Also access to the security cameras?

Your DH is suffering from a well known psychosis, sometimes known as
Othello syndrome.

You say that everyone involved says your DH isn't the violent type but Othello syndrome syndrome "can be highly dangerous and result in disruption of a marriage, homicide and suicide."

Most MH issues aren't linked to violence but there are exceptions. Othello syndrome is very much linked to violence. Please take your safety and that of your DC very very seriously.

I wouldn't be sitting in a house with locks, cameras and bars and someone suffering with delusions/psychosis in charge. Not for one second, one minute. I am surprised people concerned with your and your children's safety are OK with this development - I thought it was fairly well known that the most dangerous time for a woman and her children are as soon as the obsessively jealous abuser/psychotic person gets wind that she is about to leave or has just left. They are capable of planning things rather coldly and pretending too.

I hope you are your children will be free of this man as soon as possible, and then you can all start slowly to recover from it all.

This is ringing major alarm bells OP - I second what everyone is saying re the security measures. They are not designed to keep others out.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/amp/uk-england-south-yorkshire-38736179

OP - I don’t know how to make this a clickable link on her, but please look it up. This man barricaded every exit before he set fire to the house with his sons in it.

I saw their mother on tv, talking about what had happened to her sons, and going through their final moments.

Ok so he's accepted you guys are over -Then why is he still accusing you of lying about another man?

He's accepted that you are moving out - and yet he's put cameras up all over the place desperate to capture this other man you are seeing?

He hasn't accepted anything and if you're telling me that professionals are telling you that this man couldn't possibly snap and become dangerous, you need to be talking to different professionals. Unstable minds under stress can act unpredictable. Even if he doesn't hurt you, it sounds like he could be planning to lock you in there.

Go stay at a friends or a hotel until everything is finalised, for the sake of a week or two it isn't worth taking the risk staying there.

I want to echo what everyone else is saying here.

I am also thinking fire.

OP, I think you are in denial. Maybe trusting gives you a sense of security. Maybe trusting keeps you from collapsing from terror.

You should be feeling more fear here.

You need to prioritise leaving even if you decamp to a motel. He has moved beyond words to specific actions.

There is a sense of urgency about moving out but not because I'm scared of him - I know the statistics but I have had a quiet word to the drs, counsellors and psych and they all agree he is not likely to be one to turn violent.

Do they know he's now made your home make Fort Knox look like an open field?

You should be feeling more fear here.

I agree.

He came out of that session and said the doctor vindicated or at the very least did not say he's wrong/ill when the Dr did in fact say, as diplomatically as possible, that he's mentally ill.

He's totally delusional.

I would get out into temp accommodation asap with your children.

Wow. I am so sorry that you have been put through such an ordeal with your husband’s illness. It is dreadful and very sad that he has ended up this way but you really must leave as soon as you can.

Out of interest, what does he say if he reads a list of symptoms for Delusional Jealousy or Othello Syndrome? Does he not recognise himself at all?

What is going on? You say he knows you are leaving, but your teenage children don't? What is that about?
And surely he's reading everything you are writing on here.
Is he dictating your responses?

This is terrifying. That you sound so calm is wrong. Are you actually able to leave the house when the kids are at school, then pick them up from there? I would contact the police right now if I were you, and get the fuck out.

And completely irresponsible of the psyiciatrist.

This is the most worrying post I've ever seen on the internet.

He has the means to barricade you in. And I can't believe that someone so paranoid has genuinely and calmly accepted your plans to leave.

op, read your own penultimate paragraph where you urge anyone in a similar situation to leave sooner rather than later. And just DO it. Please!
Get your children and yourself out to a place of safety asap.
I fear for you all.

OP, I share MA's anxiety and fear about your level of risk on "D Day".

"He has accepted I am leaving" really does not sit well him installing hidden cameras all over the fucking house.

Please ensure you have someone with you on the day of departure. Send kids to school as normal. But have another adult there. Doesn't need to be someone and muscular! Just another person to dial 999 if the need should arise. And if nothing happens, all you owe them is a takeout pizza!

Thanks everyone for your concerns. I can leave the house anytime. No one is locked in. The new addition of locks and bars are for night time and I can easily remove the bars - sorry if I gave the impression that these were hard fixed bars - they are just poles to prevent the doors and windows opening if someone tried to break in. His motive for the extra security is because he believes someone is coming into the house at night without his knowledge. My biggest concern with it was because it all happened in a single day and I wasn't told about it at all. In terms of the deadlocks, I have been given a key.

The separation has been in discussion for about 6 weeks. Initially it wasn't well met but the first discussions took place at the counsellor's office and we've been working on it - this is working for us. My DH is miserable because he feels so strongly about his beliefs that he's sick in the stomach. Having said that, he is also relieved about me moving out so he doesn't feel so horrible all the time. I am miserable because of what has been lost. I was looking forward to our 'happy ever after'.

I can assure you all, that you will not read about us in the papers and there will be no violence in my home - ever.

I also just want to note that the reason for my post was to give other people in similar situations some information about this problem. It has taken me a long time to find useful/helpful information and I hope my experiences can help someone else.