Totally abandoned and not too sure what to do next.

[beaz71]

Really don’t know what to do. What do you say to a partner who after 18 years together turns around and says they no longer love you, as they have met a Vietnamese girl 18 years younger than me and that that they fell in love on a business trip? (A trip that I attended half the way through, was made a fool out of, and instead of coming home with me he extended the trip to consummate his new relationship).
If that wasn’t enough, he left the UK after 10 days of telling me, for another continent, for ever, to continue the relationship. Our 14-year-old son starting GCSEs in September is old enough to deal with this apparently and the dog can go to a dog home if I can’t afford it.
Left me also in financial difficulties. I don’t take home much anymore enjoyed coming home early and spending time with my family, he was now the major breadwinner. We had a beautiful home and gorgeous garden and a huge mortgage. The estate agent however was round a few days after we were hit with the bomb shell, but I wasn’t ready to be kicked out of our home when still being under shock.
He has left me dealing with all these issues as well as concerns about the huge mortgage and bills. Advised me that he didn’t owe me anything just childcare support as we were not married (I correctly advised that the mortgage was a joint responsibility).
How can someone who I loved dearly and trusted so much completely change character overnight and do something so awful to the people he loved? Just switch over a period of weeks into something so demonic. This really is the worst nightmare ever for us. To add to this I have also just lost my job.
He has stopped messaging his son now and I am obviously not coping. I am not too sure what to do next. Do you think I should call him, tell him I am not coping and ask him to come back to the UK and take care of the family and sell the house himself so I can take a break go and see my parents and care of myself?

No I wouldn't do that because it doesn't sound like he will

You need to look after yourself and your son, do what's best for him, he must be in pieces as are you xx would your parents come and stay?

Please go and see a solicitor. You do have rights here. What an utter shitbag.

I don't have any solid advice but I could not read and run, no matter how hideous things feel for you now you will get through this..... 🌹

Can you reach out to friends and family, they will rally around you and help you out during this devestating time.

I am so sorry OP. He sounds like an utter bastard. X

Don't call him, you'd be setting yourself up for more heartache because you won't get the response you want.

As you've lost your job you'll need to claim benefits until you find a new one. That will be Jobseekers Allowance if you've paid sufficient NI Contributions. You can also claim Universal Credit if you don't have an active single claim for Child Tax Credits.

You need to take advice on what you're entitled to regarding the house and any other joint assets. Book a free initial consultation with a solicitor as soon as you're able.

I would guess he will have to come back to the uk at some point. Do you have a joint account? Can you empty it into an account only you have access to?
Secure yourself financially. Fuck him. Let him rot. Protect yourself and your son.

Wow, just wow OP. You must be in a horrible shock! And your poor, wee Son. I'm so sorry for you both

Please see a Solicitor right away to figure out your options. And no, please don't call that utter wankstain to return to the UK. Can your Mum come and stay with you for a bit for some support?

Your son is 14 and at a very difficult timeframe of his life. No matter how much you are hurting you have to reframe this and realign it to protecting your son. It's the only way BOTH of you will get through this.

Being abandoned by one parent is hard enough to deal with. Don't add to this. I have been in your shoes but it was a broken jaw and ribs that happened to me and it was a 3, 6 and 10 year old I was dealing with. I was thrown out of my home. You need to buckle down now and fiercely parent your child. I'm afraid you can't just prioritise caring for yourself. Your DS's dad this. You have to fill that hole. See a solicitor, get him to pay for his responsibilities and divorce him. Take back control and set your own timetable, don't dance to his. You have agency here.

I went through almost identical circumstances about 15 years ago. My now ex dh upped and left in a 2 week period and dd and I never heard from him again. I was made redundant around the same time and he swanned off leaving me with £20k of debt and a house I had to downsize dramatically to survive. I ended up on living on tax credits and working every hour I could in a min wage job just trying to survive.

But I did survive ....! And you will too. And you know what, he’s just an utter shit head. You don’t need him. You have your son and your son has you and that is enough, for now it is more than enough.

Don’t contact him. He’s shown you that he doesn’t care. Get good legal advice and be kind to yourself. Stay close to your son and support each other, go on days out / do things together.

For what it’s worth, I am now remarried and very happy. When my ex dh left me I posted on a parenting forum saying my life was over - I look back now and I realise that wasn’t the case at all.

What a fucker. Take your time don’t do anything rash. Talk to your parents and go to them for a few days few weeks if you have to, but I wouldn’t contact that fucker.
You need legal advice too ASAP

Fairylea That’s a lovely post to share. OP I’m so sorry to hear what an utter tosser your OH is. But you will feel better taking some action and thereby taking control. Sit down, maybe with a friend , and write a list of all the things you need to do. It will seem overwhelming at first but it’s necessary to organise your thoughts. Put them in priority order.Identify who can help you with them. Set yourself a goal of xx per day/ week etc. so you can reflect on your achievements.Legal advice needs to be your first action.

Thanks for all you support here. When I woke up this morning to read this - it really did help me.

I have received free legal advise. I am not entitled to anything from him except for Child maintenance which he is currently putting in the joint account. The joint account is only for bills and mortgage and it is under each month so deep down I am hoping he will top it up. I have also applied for all the financial support I can get. So hopefully that will come through soon. I am also thinking of getting a pay break on the mortgage of 3 months to give me some time.

I feel so cheated and am really scared that I will never get over this - or ever meet some else (as he has). Sometimes I think this is the best thing for me as I was so dependent on him for everything and maybe I didn't love him anymore either and this is what it took to get my life back. Other times I think I am cheating myself. I was in love with him - it was my fault he left as I was never affectionate towards him at the end and took him fore granted - how stupid I was and how lucky I was with my life that is now ruined.

The last things he said was that he would always be there for me and would set me up financially for the future and that I would always be his best friend. That's why part of me wants him to come back and to sort out this mess before leaving for good. (He didn't even tell or say good bye to his family or friends just sent them a text message after 2 days saying he had left me and was in a relationship with someone else. Not to call as he would not answer!).

Maybe him coming back could clear the air with everyone and make me feel better (he might even repent) or maybe leaving him there with no communication from anyone will make him repent at leisure at what he has done and make him suffer! I really don't know. This can't get any worse .... what do you guys think?

What a turd of a man. His repentence, if it comes, will be worthless.

@beaz71

You have had a horrible shock. Be kind to yourself and your ds. You will get through this but the next few months aren't going to be easy.

When they show you who they are believe them. He is not your friend. Nor your best friend he just wants his guilt eased.

My ex up and left 18 months ago. It broke me. We weren't married either. The house equity was 50/50. Although I got left with big fat loan. So got to deduct his share of that.

Gather good people around. Gp and counselling for support. It makes no sense to you. Because you are a decent person. And it is easy to blame yourself. But he did this. You were committed and loyal. And didn't go looking for someone else. Hold your head High.

Take each day as it comes. And look after yourself.

I would always be his best friend

Yeah, my ex did something similar then asked, sadly, why we couldn't be friends. "Because my friends don't shit on me and abandon me, John."

I really doubt his 18-years-younger Vietnamese girlfriend sees him as more than a stupid foreigner to be milked for all he has. Don't be there to sympathise when he finds this out. You can't hang around hoping he'll realise what a great thing he had with you because even if he does come back you'll always be wondering when it'll happen again.

Even if he did repent, and you could forgive him -how could you ever be sure that he wouldn't do something similar again? How could you ever be sure that the only reason he came back wasn't because it didn't work out with the Vietnam girl?

Are you able to sell your home and downsize? Or perhaps take in a lodger or two to help you pay the bills? I would definitely be looking into options like that. You need to be thinking about these things now because he may not be inclined to 'top up' your joint account and certainly if he's told you he 'only owes you child support' then he clearly isn't wanting to give you anything more.

Don't sit on your hands, I know it's a horrible time but you have a son and a doggy to think of so time to get job hunting again and plan your finances so that you don't end up out on your ear. You could also sell any of his things left behind on ebay.

If I were you I would 100% facebook shame the git too, let all of my friends and family know exactly what a scumball he is. At least then he might be shamed into paying you more.

Wishing you all the best and hope you have the strength to make it on your own and not take him back if he comes crawling.

And I agree with people who say he isn't your friend. Because I wouldn't treat my worst enemy with the contempt he has shown you or your child. If he wanted to pursue his stupidity he should have at least made sure you two were financially taken care of first.

A mortgage break is a good idea, or think about asking to change the mortgage to interest only for the foreseeable future. That should reduce it by a huge amount. You need to be strong here - of course you can’t call him and ask him to come home and look after the family and sell the house. He’s not coming back so you need to pretend he is dead to you and do the best you can for your son.

Do you also own the house?

Everyone has given great advice.

I wouldn't ask him to come back to do anything. What he did is appalling.

He'll find out soon enough that the only interest she has in him is a meal ticket.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you will get through it. Don't concentrate on him or what he is doing, concentrate on yourself, your son and how to cope day to day. Things happens for a reason, you will find out maybe at a later date why he did what he did to you and your son.

He will no doubt marry this young girl, but you mustn't beat yourself over it, none of this is your fault. We can only take responsibility for our own behaviour and how we treat other people.

Keep yourself busy, find out what other help are available to you and your son. If it helps, keep a journal write how you feel down and read it back to yourself.

Thanks for all your advise again. You are all saying not to contact him so I will think again even though deep down inside I want him to think again about what he has done. I want him to know how much he is making us all suffer here and that you can't just throw us away. There are too many layers to my grief and the financial burden is also taking its toll. He has loads of money and is probably a millionaire in Vietnam!

Even his brothers have said the decent thing to have done would have been to move out, sort us out in a new home and then gone to his lover in Vietnam not leave us like this.

We both own the house and there is a third equity in its value. The equity alone will not buy us (me and son) a home on my current salary (let alone when I get a new job). I will however contact the mortgage lender tonight and see what my options are but I suppose he will need to agree to that as both of our names are on the mortgage.

Such a lovely guy for 18 years and now this! I still keep on thinking this is a joke.

Thanks so much for your support really it is seeing me sane throughout the day.

Suggest move bills into your name
Pay mortgage & council tax first
Stop any unnecessary bills like sky TV
Don't auto renew any future bills, shop around for cheaper deals
You can rent out a room tax free, if in UK look at www.gov.uk
Sell anything useful
Update your CV, attempt to find a better paid job

Its going to be hard

What's your plan if he wants his half of the property ?

Oh OP he has you have had such a shock, his behaviour is disgusting.

Please do not contact him, he is not going to do what you want. He will more than likely be laughing with his new GF how desperate you are (I know I am upsetting you, and I'm sorry but want you to realise what an awful idea this is). He may get annoyed and stop any payments to you (if he planning to pay anything).

You and your son have each other and that is all that matters. Take a 3 month break on the mortgage, sell his stuff, get legal advice, claim everything you can, ask if you parents could stay with you for a couple of weeks (if they would help with household tasks and provide emotional support) and concrete on healing you and your son. Spend as much time with him as possible.

You will get through this, I've not been through this situation but have been in horrendous situations in the past, I've found making a list of everything I need to do helped focus my mind. Also allow yourself to cry, scream and shout when you need to.

Please know this is not your fault, and you can do this, good luck

So glad you are getting such good advice.

There is a book called 'Runaway Husbands' by Vicki Stark that describes just this thing - sudden abandonment.

Feeling for you over being made a fool of - that sudden hostility and contempt, it is just awful.

Suggest move bills into your name
Pay mortgage & council tax first
Stop any unnecessary bills like sky TV
Don't auto renew any future bills, shop around for cheaper deals
You can rent out a room tax free, if in UK look atwww.gov.uk
Sell anything useful
Update your CV, attempt to find a better paid job
DO AS THIS POSTER SAYS
The fucker is letting his dick do his thinking, it ain't gonna last, an 18yr old vietnamese girl, what a cliche. Sort yourself out, the above advice us spot on. You can do it, you're in shock, shake it off, you have a child to support, you'll never be homeless if you have family, you will get back on your feet, you're a woman, you're stronger than you think. YOU CAN DO THIS! be Sascha Fierce. Please dont contact him, show him you dont need him, rise above it, sending you hugs

You’re going to need to prepare for the worst about the property.

What wanky behaviour