Totally abandoned and not too sure what to do next.

[beaz71]

Really don’t know what to do. What do you say to a partner who after 18 years together turns around and says they no longer love you, as they have met a Vietnamese girl 18 years younger than me and that that they fell in love on a business trip? (A trip that I attended half the way through, was made a fool out of, and instead of coming home with me he extended the trip to consummate his new relationship).
If that wasn’t enough, he left the UK after 10 days of telling me, for another continent, for ever, to continue the relationship. Our 14-year-old son starting GCSEs in September is old enough to deal with this apparently and the dog can go to a dog home if I can’t afford it.
Left me also in financial difficulties. I don’t take home much anymore enjoyed coming home early and spending time with my family, he was now the major breadwinner. We had a beautiful home and gorgeous garden and a huge mortgage. The estate agent however was round a few days after we were hit with the bomb shell, but I wasn’t ready to be kicked out of our home when still being under shock.
He has left me dealing with all these issues as well as concerns about the huge mortgage and bills. Advised me that he didn’t owe me anything just childcare support as we were not married (I correctly advised that the mortgage was a joint responsibility).
How can someone who I loved dearly and trusted so much completely change character overnight and do something so awful to the people he loved? Just switch over a period of weeks into something so demonic. This really is the worst nightmare ever for us. To add to this I have also just lost my job.
He has stopped messaging his son now and I am obviously not coping. I am not too sure what to do next. Do you think I should call him, tell him I am not coping and ask him to come back to the UK and take care of the family and sell the house himself so I can take a break go and see my parents and care of myself?

Thanks all of you. Now I have a long list of things to do when I get home. Yes I can do this alone and have to, to survive.

My parents when through a divorce and I always vowed not to do the same thing as it was so painful for us kids - but here I am now, even though this was not my fault directly anyway. My parents still to this day have not spoken I was 16 at the time and now am 47.

BTW The girl is 28 not 18 but still of an age that I cannot compete obviously.

I certainly have a lot of thinking to do this weekend. Can't wait to get home to cry and clean :)

He has said (verbally) that I can have 90% of the equity. He also said he would come back to help us move into the new house and even if necessary be my guarantor (that's if I ever wanted to see him again). He said "what else do you want, my BLOOD!"/ He definitely feels guilty about what he has done an wants to make good.

I have not called him or emailed him since he has left but am putting some of his stuff aside to send at Christmas (just to remind him that we do exist still).

Hang on. He owns half of the house but is t paying half the mortgage anymore?

Isn’t

Get that offer of 90% in writing NOW. Get onto the mortgage lender and get a mortgage holiday, to give you some breathing space. Don't placate the sad little wanker, but don't antagonise him either - you need his maintenance payments for now.

Hang on to your anger, it makes you strong.

Agree get the offer in writing ASAP before he changes his mind.
I know it’s going to be a long journey ahead for you but If he can do this to you and your ds he’s not worth your tears 💐

We are both paying the mortgage at the moment. I am not prepared at this point to sell (too much t deal with and I don't think it is fare on my son either. The mortgage is very expensive but if I can't cope with it I'll get a mortgage break.

I have been advised to get a solicitor but know that will anger him so am leaving everything the way it is until I am really to sell. Just hope he keeps on paying (as he can certainly afford it).

He was unprepared to put anything in writing but family and friends know what he said so I hope he keeps his word.

My first week when he left was spent worried about money but I am not now as I can;t predict whether he will continue paying or not. I also cannot predict whether I will get a new job in time (although I am working on it).

This week has just been thinking about the last 18 years. Clearing the few bits he left that obviously did not mean much to him (rings, photos). Just ups and downs. I deep down inside hope he feels remorse but I know he will be sat back smiling at his amazing new life, in a place that is always hot and exiting with his new young woman. His conscience clear as he is in a nutshell, as he sees it, paying me off.

Fucking hell OP you're doing amazingly just getting up every day!

What a grade A cunt - shit happens and people leave their relationships of course, that's just real life, but he's been inexcusably cruel and cold, nobody deserves to be treated the way he's treated you and DS.

I can't imagine how painful it is and your DS is blessed to have a lovely, thoughtful and strong mum.

Something bad will happen to him. You don’t meet a 28 yr old Thai woman when you’re 50 and it’s true love...

But aside from that, you need to do all you can to protect yourself. Mentally and financially.
Your life is going to change. But you will survive.

He doesn’t need to know if you take legal advice

I'm sorry hes putting you both through this OP, I would defo do what a pp has said and get it in writing about 90%of the house.

Op , it’s not he’s business if you get legal advice. Make it a top priority . Get as much as you can tied up legally as it’s going to be the OW priority to have a child . You and your DS are all that matters now . Chin up , one step at a time . Follow the great advice give by previous posters , if school isn’t aware , let them know as they may have help available or just to cut your son some slack if he’s not himself. Write a plan ,and tick off as you go . And lastly if you decide to move remember, where YOU are is your sons home , not bricks and mortar . Every good luck x

Its been a few weeks since my last post and I need some more advice (seeing as I got great help from you last time).

As a brief; my partner for 18 years upped and left me and our 14-year-old son 5 weeks ago for a younger woman he met in Vietnam. He upped and left within 10 days and is now living with her in Vietnam permanently. He did not tell his family or friends before he left just sent sporadic texts when he arrived “met another woman and now live in Vietnam. Don’t call me I won’t answer”. I obviously had to deal with the family calling me following this.

As suggested by you guys, I have had no communication with the ex. apart from short texts to sort out bills. Plus, respond to a rude message that he had sent my son “call me a wxxker but at least answer me” by responding “this is not an appropriate message. We are both sad and grieving at the moment”. After which he admitted that he was sad to understand we were so sad. He did not realise this as no one had told him and that he was sorry that he had caused this – that things for him were not exactly as he had hoped for. (oh boo hoo for you!).

My son has not answered his texts as he is not ready and I am not forcing him to. I don't even know whether the ex has spoken to his family yet, Whenever I ask they go silent. But now I have the exs family on our backs. It is as if they are judging me; is the house clean, is my son OK, is she going mad? So they can feed back to the ex.

What do I do about his family? His mum seems to be constantly calling me or wanting to visit. If I do not answer she calls again as if she is panicking and when we do speak it is as if she just wants to ask questions and find out information about my financial situation and son so it can be filtered through to my ex.

Additionally, one of his brothers is contacting my son directly to organise trips out with him. Trips that I have to later cancel as he does not want to go. My son has been on one trip with him and the next day his dad sent him a message detailing what he had done with his uncle the previous day. It did not go down well with us at all.

My son is grieving (and so am I) and I have made it clear that both me and my son need some time alone but it is all falling on deaf ears. I just need space – what do I do?

Am I over reacting to all of this? I don’t trust his family at all. Their brother / son has done wrong but not one of them has actually told me this, They have only acknowledged that he should not have left me in this house!

Personally I would be very blunt with his mother; "What is it that you want from me? What do you think you can reasonably expect of me given the circumstances? If you continue to bombard me with calls I will have no choice but to block you. I can't stop you contacting my son, but he can make the decision for himself whether he wants contact with you or not, so if you value your relationship with him you should tread gently. The same goes for your other son. We have been abandoned by the person who should have loved and cherished us. I have more pressing emotional and practical things to worry about at the moment than how you feel about all this. Your snooping and checking up on me is not appreciated and my life is really no longer any of your business."

You are doing so well OP. What a shit your ex partner is getting his family to check-up and inform on you and your son. The only contact you need to have with him, or any of them, is purely practicalities - your life is no longer any of their concern.

@beaz71

I hope you fell about laugh at it hasn't worked out like he wanted. 😂. My ex told me the same. We were all meant to be friends and go drinking together or some shit.

I would say when they ask probing questions. We are fine. Just keep repeating this and they will get the idea. Or just be blunt and say that isn't any of your business.

What does your son want to do about contact? Maybe e mail contact only. So he can manage that as and when rather then things popping up randomly on his phone. My ds got a new phone recently and I gave him the choice to share his number with his dad. He didn't for a while. Now ex has it he rarely text anymore. To busy having 'fun' I expect

Time to put boundaries in place. Stay strong and only trust those closest to you. These people are not your friends.

OP awful situation. I think you need to seriously think about your future and what you want....I am predicting he will be back with his tail between his legs once the shine of Vietnam and his GF wears off. Sounds like a classic mid life crisis but please think about the message you are sending your son if you take him back

I can tell you now. After the pain I have had to go through I will not be taking him back.

Some days however I do feel that maybe I was part of this, part of him leaving - I just thought he would be there for ever so I suppose I did take him fore granted (hence him get lucky else where). He also tried to get a job in the UK when away for his extended weekend. So he did try to stay - even though he did have sex elsewhere.

Other days I just cannot believe what he has done. How disgusting! But hey I am gaining my confidence every day even though it is hard. But I have the long straw.

My future is about getting out of this house once I have a job and setting up a fresh with my pets and son. The next few weeks are critical but I have achieved so much so far. I am sure I can do it.

You guys have really helped me out. Although the sun is shining at the moment, I still have grey in sight.

Any more advise would be great. (At least my son has not smashed anything else tonight. We had a great chat earlier which makes everything more worth while).

Tell him yes you will take 90% of the equity plus child maintenance, pay only essentials, get the house up for sale. No fool like an old fool, you will move on, you will have the last laugh, in the meantime whilst he is feeling generous milk it, get it signed over, stay sweet, in 8 months, you will not give a shit about milking him dry, I promise you, go for everything you can whilst he is feeling guilty !!

Have you had legal advice? No need to tell ex about it, more so for finding out exactly where you stand re the house.

He's still at the feeling guilty stage, you should really capitalise in that if possible and get written agreement regarding the 90%

As far as ex's family are concerned, simply answer their questions with 'we are fine'. Don't give them any information. Don't send your DS on trips with them (they clearly just wish to pump him for info). You owe them nothing, as a PP said, these people are. It your friends.

You're doing brilliantly btw - you and your DS will be fine.