Leaving an ok marriage?

[Imhavingamidlifecrisis]

Ok.
I am married. 18 years together. My husband is a great dad, fairly attractive, a good provider, faithful to my knowledge. He says he loves me but over the past 5 years I haven't felt he has at times, not enough anyway if that makes sense. We have a nice house and 2 children. On paper we are a good couple. But... I don't think I'm in love anymore.

Over the years I've realised my husband doesn't like to really do anything, isn't very proactive and is actually quite negative and grumpy naturally. Just like his Dad. He can be made aware of it and it stops for a while but it's draining being on top of it.

I don't have much fun together anymore. We have no shared passions or goals, nothing to talk about bar people we know. He is very private and I don't really know any of his friends and he has a small family. We drink and watch TV with the very occassional night out if i organise it. EVERYTHING that has been planned in the last 10 years, bar several occasions where I have insisted, has been organised by me. I feel like I'm dying a little inside.

Just over a year ago I looked at him and thought I just don't fancy you anymore. I don't feel the same and I've lost that connection. I don't look forward to spending the weekend with him, seeing him after work, I like being on my own a lot rather than with him. It never used to be like this. I do have lots of friends and try and socialise / be active / walk when I can.

We have had several big talks. He thinks it's just me. He said it was common with young children and when they are older we will be able to go out again and things will get better.... It's been 10 years now and he will be going on 60 by the time our youngest is 16. Things aren't going to change are they?

He is doing a little more housework, making meal's etc and has curtailed his grumpiness after the latest talk but tbh I don't feel I should be grateful for this. I feel ground down but like I'm starting to wakes up and the thought of spending the rest of my life or even the next 5 years doing this terrifies me. I'm early 40s and feel I could have another chance out there but equally know I could quite probably still be lonely, single, seeing my children less and poor (my husband manages the finances, big mortgage, no savings. I have nothing personally). My children will have to move house and be potentially damaged.

I am so sad, so scared and I don't know what to do. Anyone else been in this situation? Thanks for reading this epic.

Not been in your situation but hand holding as I am in a similar position yet in my mid twenties with small children and a husband I've been with 8 years. He's nice. He's not amazing. I'm fed up. He says it's me. I want to be free.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack.saw something very recently, if you're feeling like the thought of spending the rest of your life with someone is like a prison sentence then you need to get out. Freedom is like nothing else.

Sorry to hear about your situation and I'm also in a similar situation. Been married 13 years, 2 kids but we've had some bad times due to his anger issues. Hoping you find the support you need here. It's sounds like you have emotionally checked out of the relationship. Have you tried counselling at all, could that be an option for you?

Thank you both. @Floflo10 when I suggested it he wasn't keen. I looked into going to single relate counselling but the costs are prohibitive. I don't have my own money, I get a set amount and it's not enough to pay for counselling. I have started working but it's not going to pay well for a while. But yes I think you are right, I do feel emotionally detached, its like I am seeing everything very differently for the past year.

I have nothing personally You have a claim on half the marital assets - any savings accrued during the marriage, whoever's name they're in, are half yours. Etc etc. It would be wise to take a bit more of an interest in the finances and get an idea of what there is and where it is, before you say the d-word to him.

Life is short, OP. You get one shot at it, and that really starts to sink in in your early forties, I find . Make it count.

It doesn't sound like an okay marriage to me - it sounds like you're miserable but unwilling to smash everything up because on the surface nothing is too awful (he doesn't beat you, isn't a drunk, etc).

I would do some digging OP - figure out your financial position as a couple, go and have a chat with a solicitor, get your ducks in a row. If you're early 40s then you could be halfway through your life and looking at another 40 years with this guy. Don't stay if you're unhappy and don't sacrifice your happiness for your kids. Divorce doesn't have to be awful if it's handled well.

Is financial control a feature of the relationship, OP?

@category12 I'm not sure. His wages go into his own account. I get a vague number of what that is as it varies. Up until recently he would put a set amount into a joint account for us all. Very recently that has changed and I get my own set amount to stick to. He has never denied me anything and has 'treated' me to things like coats and boots, but then I haven't asked for much. Both our names are on the mortgage. I know I know.... I feel stupid I've let him take all control. But I have let him, he didn't insist. I only realised 2 years ago that he was keeping some money back for his own account rather than putting it all in the joint as agreed when I stopped working. There has been numerous excuses reasons for this

@juneau no he is a good man in many ways, and I worry I will regret leaving the stability and affection that remains. But I am sad and I struggle to find the old happiness with him from years ago. The thought of the future terrifies me, of doing nothing, of feeling like this.

I could have written this word for word - bar the lack of affairs, I believe my DH has had at least two emotional affairs over the years but the last three years seems to have realised what he has. But actually that isn't my biggest complaint bizarrely. It's all the other stuff you mentioned.

We started discussions a year ago. He's really tried but I feel less like I want to be with him now than I did then. I'm at a turning point but don't know if I'll have the courage to call it a day. However I think the big trigger of accepting I want to split was realising I'd rather be single for a long time than stay in this. How does that thought make you feel?

I won't offer any advice as it remains to be seen if I have the courage to get out of this.

@needsonebottle I'm sorry to hear that. It's rotten isnt it.
Yes my husband is trying harder but I do not think it matters what he does now. Sadly. It should have happened years ago. The thought of being single scares me but also makes me feel relieved. And free. But whether I want to be single at 55 after 13 years alone I don't know.

It doesn't sound altogether equitable. You should try to take more of an interest in the financial set up, now, tho. Have you got pension provision for yourself? Whatever you decide to do about the relationship, you need to know where you stand.

If I could be friends with my spouse, I wouldn’t leave an otherwise decent marriage as long as their are shared children. I left a non-abusive marriage so I am not anti-divorce for unhappiness. There are just other considerations when you realize that the kids mean you will still need to work together as co-parents. Now, it sounds like you are on the verge of not being able to even be friends.

@purpleartichoke I have day dreams where it's all very amicable. We will spend Xmas together, days out etc to minimise the upset. I knows it's probably unrealistic. Some days we get on fine.

I have the same daydreams. I fear in my case DH would be too hurt to be able to manage much beyond Christmas and birthdays. I genuinely believe he could find someone else and have a more fulfilling relationship that, at present he doesn't realise exists. His baseline for happiness is quite low. His needs are fulfilled - family round him, nice home, doesn't want to socialise or do anything, just be at home really.

We can go on forever having perfectly nice and on days. Each day is such. I sincerely doubt now anything would happen that would make me scream "this is over!". We get along fine. But as I once read on here, the feeling of general unfulfillment is death by a thousand cuts isn't it?

*ok days

I could have written your post OP. I’m sad too. I’d be quite happily single but there’s no ‘good’ reason to break up the kids home. It’s horrible to think of a future like this. I often wonder if there’s an age where the kids could cope better with a split but I think that’s a good decade away yet. It’s devastating. to all of us in this situation.

I could have written your post last year, except for the money stuff. But the rest is exactly the same. Including could I disrupt the DCs etc. I had been having the snake swirling thoughts on and off for a long time.

A good friend of mine was also in the same situation but told her H it couldn't be saved. He did and said nothing at all. She may someone else and what she said to me really struck a chord, 'I saw a chance at happiness and I took it'

I knew then I had to seriously think about whether I could just carry on like this for the next 40/50 years (potentially) and realised I couldn't and my negative moods were no good for the DCs. Plus the relationship we were modelling to them was no good. Never seen us sleep in the same bed, zero affection etc. And the thought that that is what they would carry through their lives and model their relationships on scared me a lot.

So December, after bringing it up a few times last year - and to be fair the last time he made some small efforts, but too little too late, I pulled the plug. I felt nothing but relief. Telling the DCs was hideous. And he hasn't moved out yet Which is not fun at all.

But I cant wait to start my new life and have a calmer, more settled atmosphere foe the DCs.

For all those in the same situation, honestly, life is too short. And you only get one shot and you really do deserve to be happy. Children are resilient. They will be fine. I've also seen lots of posts on here from adults who's parents stayed together for the children and they never speak positively about that. That was another factor in my decision.

@NewMe2019 - how do you get along sharing the same house? And how are the children with that? Are they confused? Settled now? It's that period of adjustment that you're in that unnerves. Not the after part.

It's very up and down. When ex is ok, it's easy and feels like nothing changed (we had a very brother/sister type relationship) but when he's is a mood it creates an atmosphere. And you never know which way it's going to go. I tend to keep out of the way or go out a lot. Ex doesn't like this. I'm counting down until sharing the house ends, I really don't like it and find it oppressive and I feel trapped. The DCs seem ok ish. DS is struggling more although insists he isn't. Them seeing and being on the receiving end of their dad's moods isn't helping at all. But this has given them time to get used to the idea. And we've talked to them about it and they went with ex to view a flat. They seem pretty settled and used to the idea. They know it's happening and soon.

@newme2019 that all sounds very positive. Congratulations (if that's the right word?!) on your bravery. I'm so glad it's working out for you.
DH just wants to continue what could be a nice life, he thinks give it a couple more years and I may feel differently again. I'm a seething mass of resentment and I feel so awful about it, why can't I just feel differently. Why do I want more. I don't think there's a wonderful life / man / house waiting for me on the other side so what am I doing? Bah.

Thank you all for your comments so far. It has helped.

It kind of seems to me that he realizes that you may want to split at some point if he is putting money in his own savings. I wouldn't like that unless it was something we had agreed to do.

Another one in the same boat. I've felt like this before, pre-kids, and left. When I came back I promised myself if I came back I wouldn't leave again, but here I am, 7 years later, with 5yo DTs, feeling exactly the same. However, now, and I think he knows this, I am stuck. Stuck because of the girls, but also debt which would make it nigh on impossible to maintain split households. Sigh.

Honestly OP, that resentment will grow. That's exactly what happened with me. It actually was a workman I had in who said something that also struck a chord. He said he split from his EXW before they hated each other. It's very true. Sometimes if the bad feelings grow then it will.make the split more bitter.

I know there no concrete advice in this thread, but this has been a very well timed and helpful thread.

I just read through it nodding quietly to myself.

Thsnk you.