Ok.
I am married. 18 years together. My husband is a great dad, fairly attractive, a good provider, faithful to my knowledge. He says he loves me but over the past 5 years I haven't felt he has at times, not enough anyway if that makes sense. We have a nice house and 2 children. On paper we are a good couple. But... I don't think I'm in love anymore.
Over the years I've realised my husband doesn't like to really do anything, isn't very proactive and is actually quite negative and grumpy naturally. Just like his Dad. He can be made aware of it and it stops for a while but it's draining being on top of it.
I don't have much fun together anymore. We have no shared passions or goals, nothing to talk about bar people we know. He is very private and I don't really know any of his friends and he has a small family. We drink and watch TV with the very occassional night out if i organise it. EVERYTHING that has been planned in the last 10 years, bar several occasions where I have insisted, has been organised by me. I feel like I'm dying a little inside.
Just over a year ago I looked at him and thought I just don't fancy you anymore. I don't feel the same and I've lost that connection. I don't look forward to spending the weekend with him, seeing him after work, I like being on my own a lot rather than with him. It never used to be like this. I do have lots of friends and try and socialise / be active / walk when I can.
We have had several big talks. He thinks it's just me. He said it was common with young children and when they are older we will be able to go out again and things will get better.... It's been 10 years now and he will be going on 60 by the time our youngest is 16. Things aren't going to change are they?
He is doing a little more housework, making meal's etc and has curtailed his grumpiness after the latest talk but tbh I don't feel I should be grateful for this. I feel ground down but like I'm starting to wakes up and the thought of spending the rest of my life or even the next 5 years doing this terrifies me. I'm early 40s and feel I could have another chance out there but equally know I could quite probably still be lonely, single, seeing my children less and poor (my husband manages the finances, big mortgage, no savings. I have nothing personally). My children will have to move house and be potentially damaged.
I am so sad, so scared and I don't know what to do. Anyone else been in this situation? Thanks for reading this epic.