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Original poster

Limerance/unrequited love

31 replies

PenelopePunk · 05/06/2019 10:10

I'm stuck in this with someone I can't go NC with and it is horrible. Horrible. He was my best friend but didn't want anything else and now I am trying to move on. Has anyone managed to get through this and have any advice? How do you heal from limerance?

OP posts:
Frownette · 05/06/2019 10:20

You definitely can't go NC for a while? How is he acting towards you now?

It sounds to dismissive to say but time and keeping busy definitely helps. And think about the things you didn't like about him/why it wouldn't work. And do some things which make you feel good

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 05/06/2019 10:27

Go low NC and keep busy

whifflesqueak · 05/06/2019 10:29

Time is the only healer for me.

RantyAnty · 05/06/2019 10:49

Why can't you go NC with him?

BlackberryBeret · 05/06/2019 10:56

If you really are limerent in the true sense of that word, then it is a form of mental addiction and you need to treat it like that. Just like alcoholism, it is hard to do because although you know you shouldn't drink, the pleasure/mind numbing relief/self medication you get from drinking is a greater lure.

The same is true of limerence. You know you shouldn't see the Limerent Object but you can't help seek them out, fantasise about them, replay every last interaction in your head. It is an addiction.

The only way to get over it is total no contact in any form - including social media checking. Whatever reasons you say you cant go no contact (and this is likely to be an addicts excuse) you need to address them. If you work together, get another job. If you are neighbours, either move house or totally adjust your routine so you don't see him.

You should also try to stop fantasising but this will be hard. Seeing them fuels the fantasisies because each new conversation becomes a new little movie in your head. Over time memory fades and the old movies become boring dull re-runs - which leads to recovery.

It's total hell and miserable being in your position. Good luck. There is light ata the end of the tunnel

Original poster
PenelopePunk · 05/06/2019 10:59

Maybe I should try NC. Without being too outing, we are in a club together that I don't want to stop attending - think like a choir. But maybe I have to.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 05/06/2019 11:01

Yes - stop the club for a while or find one elsewhere. You need to put yourself first

RantyAnty · 05/06/2019 11:03

Yes, stop the club for awhile and go NC

BlackberryBeret · 05/06/2019 11:34

A club! That's not a reason you can't go no contact. It's a choice to go. I thought you meant a job or similar that is harder to change.
Find a different one.

Sorry but it's the same as saying I want to stop drinking but my mates only ever meet in the pub so I have to go to the pub.
Not if you are serious about giving up drinking you don't.

In time, once you've nailed your addiction you can go and see your mates in the pub but right now not going is how you start to recover.

Same with your club. Stop going and find a new one. You never know you may meet a nice new man there.

CatPunsFreakMeowt · 05/06/2019 11:36

Definitely stop going to the club. Keep busy with friends. Try to meet someone new.

Inawholeofdoom82 · 05/06/2019 14:56

I totally agree with what others have said. Going nc feels heartbreaking and brutal but actually it is the only way to put yourself first and start getting over the whole thing. I speak from experience. It doesn't get better if you carry on, living off little tilt-bits of attention and kindness here and there. Put yourself first.

Howdoisortthis · 05/06/2019 15:34

Similar situation here. It’s heartbreaking but I’m slowly realising that time and space is the only answer.
How are you feeling?

FabledChinHair · 05/06/2019 16:24

It's a bugger this one. You just have to read up on the chemicals involved and try to use some kind of Cognitive behavioural therapy style ideas to distract your thoughts. Every time you think of them maybe visualise the thoughts going into a box and on a shelf and then think of some plans you have or something nice. Dealing with this just now, feel like a right idiot for misreading the siutaion. Try not to see them and throw yourself into other things.

Simonspunk · 05/06/2019 21:54

This. Writing. Writing helps a lot.
Infact I'm gonna do more of that, am in the same boat.

SenselessUbiquity · 05/06/2019 22:22

Stop going to the club and go total NC. It happens more suddenly than you expect that you can lose the feelings IF you are absolutely self disciplined about no contact. IME you will be despairing of ever feeling better as nothing changes for a while, or seems to change at all; and then BANG, one day you wake up and you're starting to be free. In the end you can even see the person again.

I did this; it was ridiculous, I'd known the man around a month or even less, and the day I texted to say we couldn't be in touch I cried all day. 2 weeks later I felt better; 2 years later we're good friends and I've happily been out with him and another woman as his date. It's the first time in my life I've ever been disciplined about this (as opposed to hanging around for crumbs) and gosh! It really works

Original poster
PenelopePunk · 06/06/2019 21:11

Such good advice. I tried not to be in touch today although he messaged me twice. But I need to move on and will quit the club for a while

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopePunk · 07/06/2019 07:43

Well we had a horrid chat last night and to cut a long story short he’s seeing someone, was quite mean to me about it, and I said I don’t want to be friends anymore. He showed quite a nasty side when I tried to back away.

I’ve blocked him on everything but it really does hurt.

OP posts:
BlackberryBeret · 07/06/2019 08:13

Well - not to be mean - but I hope you've learnt your lesson. If you'd gone no contact like you'd been advised to, you would never have had that conversation. You'd have nursed your aching heart for a while and eventually moved on dignity intact.

I have totally been where you are in terms of that feeling and it is awful to be that obsessed mentally with some one - but you really need to grasp that it is a form of addiction and you MUST go no contact.

Remember this feeling now and bottle it so that in a few months when it has faded and you start wondering how he is, whether you should text him to see how he's doing, you can remember no good will come of it. Rejection always hurts, but rejection when you are limerent feels like its life ending pain.

The good thing here is that you have blocked him - so something positive has come out of this. Stay away from the club and stay away from him. You need limerence fading time.

Original poster
PenelopePunk · 07/06/2019 08:27

Fair enough. I think I did go nc/block in the end because of this thread. I don’t regret the chat though. It really hurt but it’s also good to know low contact never would have worked.

Now ... day one of forever

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopePunk · 07/06/2019 08:29

How long did it take you blackberry?

Has anyone else gone nc and it working?

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 07/06/2019 08:30

Good that you have blocked him. Now you can begin to heal. Flowers

RantyAnty · 07/06/2019 08:31

Oh I've been NC for 28 days now. It does help a lot.

Howdoisortthis · 07/06/2019 08:49

It’s good that he’s been honest with you, even though it hurts like hell.

In my case it’s the uncertainty of how he feels that has to some extent fuelled my limerence.

He knows how much I love him, he knows it hurts and he knows my marriage is ending because of my feelings but still he insists we should be friends and he still texts me every day. I’m hoping that by ending my marriage I’ll be free to eventually meet someone who is available and my feelings for my friend will disappear and with that the contact we have. Maybe if you tried dating? Might help take your mind off him.

Stick to the nc.. I’ve never been good at it but I’m sure it would work. If you persevere long term. I’m having counselling and I’ve learnt that you have to treat limerence like an addiction. The trouble is in weeks/months to come you’ll think you’ve got your feelings under control.. one text won’t hurt.. but once that communication starts again you risk going back to square one.
Keep him blocked!! Good luck

Original poster
PenelopePunk · 07/06/2019 09:23

How our situations feel VERY similar. He knew how I felt too, but was always in touch.

I actually went NC last year with him for about two months but it didn't work. I never blocked him and like you say, once we got back in touch I thought I had it under control but I didn't.

Not this time, though. It'll be hard but I can't lift those blocks. I can't.

OP posts:
Howdoisortthis · 07/06/2019 17:02

Why do they want to keep in touch? Ego boost I guess?! Keep busy!