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Original poster

Am I being played?

30 replies

OliviaT1989 · 04/06/2019 18:13

I haven't slept for 2 nights and have been struggling so much since this all happened. I am recently separated after a 5 year marriage (amicable, my ex has moved on). In the last year I developed strong feelings for an acquaintance of mine and my ex. He is a much older man, and at a party a few weeks ago we got a bit flirty and he playfully said I should stop because he was starting to like me. We spent the next day together flirting and having great conversations too, nothing happened except a small kiss. The next few days we talked on the phone almost every day, flirty messages etc. I was elated and hadn't felt this happy in years. We had a big event lined up we were both really excited about and I thought this would be it and we'd finally get together.

The first part of the night was super weird -- he kept walking away any time I got close or tried to talk to him (felt childish tbh). I let it go, then later in the night things got normal again. I got flirty (a bit cheeky..it's been a while for me) and he was receptive, saying he'd thought about me etc. Then out of nowhere comes the high-and-mighty, "I can't date you, you're young enough to be my daughter and I want to be respectful to your ex. You're beautiful, I'm flattered, but let's be friends."

Obviously I was hurt but basically agreed graciously. Then the next day and day after he called for lengthy chats. The first time I apologised for making him uncomfortable and he reiterated he wanted to be friends, but that is was nice having my affection recently since he's going through a rough time.

The second time we chatted he told me about a girl who's actually almost ten years younger than me - who he wants to spend more time with because she's been dating bad guys and "needs someone mature in her life". Wtf? He didn't exactly say if he was romantically interested in her, but I got the feeling he was trying to make me jealous.

I've enjoyed the "dance" and build-up of tension, but I can't deal with games. I need clarity -- I am incredibly attracted to him but I know I'l get over it in a few months if he's actually a dick.

Please help MN'ers. :(

OP posts:
category12 · 04/06/2019 18:17

Yep, he's a dick.

Queenoftheashes · 04/06/2019 18:18

Complete prick

Original poster
OliviaT1989 · 04/06/2019 18:19

Yeah I suspected it, I just don't understand why a grown adult would behave that way? Nothing makes sense to me.

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 04/06/2019 18:20

He's a dick. Don't go there.

Miniloso · 04/06/2019 18:20

Don’t give him any more satisfaction of your attention, he’s a class A player and not a nice person. Block & delete.
There will be a nice man around the corner, have fun finding him & enjoy your new found freedom!

category12 · 04/06/2019 18:22

He's all about the ego boost. Push and pull to get you hooked, and now he's seeing how far he can rub your nose in it and have you come back for more.

If you cut him off, he might up his game and make promises, but it'll only be to suck you back in.

Dump and run.

Uzicorn · 04/06/2019 18:22

So he can't date you because you're young enough to be his daughter but he wants to 'spend time' with someone even younger than you? Hmm

I suspect you're not young enough for him or he's trying to see how open you will be to his manipulation. Either way, you would be a fool to give this twat so much as the time of day.

AnduinsGirl · 04/06/2019 18:24

Ugh! It's so cruel but most definitely deliberate. It amuses him to see you lust after him and he must have a particularly vile side to deliberately hurt you with the comments about the other woman. Unpicking his reasons for acting like this is an utter waste of time. You need to cut him out entirely and not give him a second thought. He will most likely express disappointment and make you feel bad, as if you've failed some kind of "test," and you were the only one who truly "got" him, or he'll keep dropping you odd crumb of flirtation, but for the sake of your sanity you need to persevere.
Hope you're ok!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 04/06/2019 18:32

He's enjoying the drama. He's a grade A dick.

Original poster
OliviaT1989 · 04/06/2019 18:42

Agh yes I got the feeling it was all about the ego boost and now I'm not even sure know if he even liked/wanted me (versus my fawning).

I did see him talking to this younger woman on that same night (we're all in the same social circle) and she looked extremely uncomfortable and when he turned to grab his drink she rushed out of there like lightning.

I know I shouldn't try to understand it and it's cruel but it hurts a lot :( We've known each other for a while and had a good relationship (helpful, respectful, fun). The moment I show interest/vulnerability he decides to treat me like this :S

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 04/06/2019 18:44

He’s on a big ego trip and saying to you he fancies someone younger is cruel. Avoid and move on!

bluejelly · 04/06/2019 18:56

Have you had any counselling since your separation? How long has it been? I think the temptation after a break up is too rush into something inappropriate and then feel terribly hurt when it doesn't work out. Best thing I ever did was take 2 years off dating, get some counselling and then throw myself into dating. I was ready and lost importantly I knew what I wanted. I met my now DP soon after that.

FluffyTabbycat · 04/06/2019 18:57

Bell end run for the hills.

Original poster
OliviaT1989 · 04/06/2019 19:47

No counselling, I've been fine since the separation but waited a while to move on. It is my first time dating in the "adult world" (ex and I met very young) and I was not expecting it to be so high school ...especially with a so-called mature fella

OP posts:
Original poster
OliviaT1989 · 04/06/2019 19:48

@bluejelly great you met your DP btw :)

OP posts:
CookieDeal · 04/06/2019 20:29

So was he showing interest in you after he'd scared the poor younger woman off?

Don't beat yourself up that he's behaved this way - it's probably a 'mode' he goes into with women generally if there is any chance of a sexual /romantic type interaction. Some guys are odd like that - they are perfectly fine if they don't see you as 'available' but the moment they do, out comes the headfuckery.

rosabug · 04/06/2019 20:47

As cookiedeal says: Some men are really primitive emotionally about sex and relationship, just really primitive. They have spent a lifetime not having a conscious complex mindful thought about themselves in relationships or the women they encounter. It's all power, sexual inadequacy and mother issues. I can sniff this type a mile off - the poison seeps off them like a bad smell.

Frownette · 04/06/2019 20:47

I'd like to see how he reacted if you told him you had to spend time with your very young male friend to guide him through the minefield of devilish women strewn in his path.

He's being too tricksy at the moment so try to take a step back.

CarolsBiggestFan · 04/06/2019 20:52

So he spent the night dodging you to chat to this younger woman, and once she ran off he was all over you again.

He’s a dick.

When you go cool on him he will up his game to try and hook you back in again. Don’t be that stupid as to fall for it.

rosabug · 04/06/2019 20:56

Have you ever witnessed a mother dealing with a demanding male toddler? demanding and punishing, demanding and sulking? Mum running around dealing with it trying to sort it, but just getting in more of a tangle? But she's always there for him - to demand and punish - because she's mummy?

He's that kid. There a million of them out there.

Eggshellnutmeg · 04/06/2019 20:57

I know someone who behaves like this, he is nearly 70 and acts much younger. Is very charming, Used to sell timeshare.

It’s awful to have been charmed in this way, are you able to look back at this as a lucky escape?

Loveisland19 · 04/06/2019 23:07

He is a dick, and I would try not to answer his calls. He seems to expect you to be there for him when he wants an ego boost, and is fine with being so disrespectful to your face. What a creep.

Original poster
OliviaT1989 · 04/06/2019 23:33

@Eggshellnutmeg I think I can look back at it that way, the only thing is now I have to see him around all the time (same social circles and we all meet up quite regularly).

I'm planning to not answer his calls for a few days and just say I've been busy. Then steer the relationship back to being platonic and polite, and if he tries to bring it up, just tell him that I really want to respect his request about setting boundaries and keeping a good friendship too.

Is that a good permanent solution to having to be around him all the time? I really want to be able to walk out of this whole thing more or less with my dignity intact

OP posts:
Original poster
OliviaT1989 · 04/06/2019 23:36

Well maybe it's already too late for that Blush

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 05/06/2019 08:03

He wants to be friends? Ooooh, lucky you! An invitation to his harem!

What's the betting he's using you to play the younger woman just like he used her to play you? He's all about the games and the ego-boost.

I'd block the creep, and just act polite but cold when you see him, as if none of the previous stuff happened. Keep him at (at least) barge-pole length, for your own sake.