How did you know it was the end?

[raindropsandrosepetals]

This may be long, sorry.

My question is, if you have ended your marriage/LTR, how did you know it needed to end and there wasn't any hope at working on it?

Over the years DH and I seem to go in cycles of being fine and then having phases of disagreements/arguments.

We met when I was a teenager so I've only ever had a proper relationship with DH and I've realised I don't actually know what is "normal" in a relationship. As I've got older though, I've realised that there have been some things that have happened or been said that I accepted and moved on from that I wouldn't accept now. Age and wisdom and all that? When we were younger it was (or I thought it was) passionate and heated, but now it just feels draining. I've also lost all sex drive and although we have got on fine over the last few months, this is more as friends/in co-parenting roles. We have good family days out and generally run the house well. He works shifts whereas I work week days so it is often down to me to sort wrap around childcare or alternate my working hours to fit.

We've hit a particularly low point now where there's been another disagreement and he will not accept any responsibility or wrongdoing and will not apologise unless I point it out, which by then the words has little meaning to me. I've tried to work on my fitness recently to deal with weight gain and for a general mood lift but I don't feel supported by him when I do this. He goes quiet on me when I say I'm going to the gym or a very rare night out. I otherwise do very little for myself due to having the children so much when he's at work.

I have anxiety and am questioning myself whether this is "real" or my anxiety making me doubt and question myself and dragging up old issues in my head. Or is the added responsibility of work and children that makes it harder to work at a marriage compared to a young couple.

Sorry this did end up long and not particularly specific. I've tried to access counselling through my work to have someone impartial to talk to but there isn't any available at the moment.

If there was DV or cheating I'd be more confident in how I feel but it's the general shitness that is, just shit.

@Fuckmyliferightnow that’s the sort of thing my H would do, not pushing me, but taking the piss, making jokes at my expense in front of other people and then saying I can’t take a joke, and I’m a moody cunt as well!

Yes I know it’s so difficult, but I’ve read loads on here from people out the other side and they say it’s worth it.

So we need to find strength and start to make plans.
I don't see any other option.
I can't stand pretending I love him and that everything is okay.
I've had it.

@Meandyouandyouandme oh this is me too. I'm a pretty calm person, even during a disagreement I don't really resort to shouting and raging but there's something about how he talks to me that plants that little seed of doubt when I started out absolutely sure of myself. It sucks to feel like you might be mad.

@Fuckmyliferightnow That's very familiar. I've been told many times I need help/to see a doctor because I've been reduced to an emotional wreck. It's never his fault.

@raindropsandrosepetals sorry we’ve taken over a bit. I know exactly what you mean, it’s very frustrating, my words get twisted during our “discussions” and I end up feeling like I’m the unreasonable one. It’s so difficult. I know he’s lied about being somewhere, I have photographic evidence, I’m still worried about saying anything as he’ll say he wasn’t honest as he thought I wouldn’t like it.

Please don't apologise! Glad it can be of some help to someone, at the moment it's more of a place to put down my thoughts!

Thanks, hopefully we can all get our thoughts organised to do what we need to do.

Is it normal to wobble every time he's nice/normal.
I'm trying to hate him but I find it really hard.
Need words of encouragement!

Write everything down that happens, then you can reread when you’re having a wobble. He should be nice all the time, it’s sad that he can’t be, I don’t get why someone wants to be mean to anyone, let alone their wives and children.

I wish I could hate dp. Mostly what I feel is just really really sad about it all. He's mean and moody and then it's gone and like a flick is switched he's nice again and I'm left thinking wtf, did I just imagine or exaggerate that. Did that really happen.

When we argue I always end up apologising, it always becomes about how he feels. If I say I feel really hurt by you doing xyz, he won't address that at all he'll just start talking about how I did something a while ago that I don't really remember happening that way, but he'll say I hurt him or made him feel worthless and I apologise and my grievance is completely forgotten, not even acknowledged and I end up feeling even worse than I did to start with and I end up doubting myself.

It's all about planting those seeds of doubt isn't it?
Horrible state to be in!

I'm feeling hopeful today about splitting, then I realise I'm dealing with a Narc and it scared the shit out of me.

I don't think do is a narcissist. I did read up on the traits and it didn't seem to fit. I think he's just entitled and angry and thinks he's always right ergo everything Is my fault. He does some EA stuff.

FuckmyLifeRightNow do you have DC together? If the idea of leaving scares you could you get away then tell him? Or organise it secretly then tell him when everythings ready?

I think I'll end up there eventually, I feel so done, but me and DC will be stuck in the house with dp till it sells unless he moves out. If I move out the home counts in asset tests here and I can't get government support then and I'm too sick to work.

Where do you live?

We have one dc aged 8.

I feel scared of his words and nasty tone and guilty because he's being nice and constantly hugging me. It's stifling!

I'm logging everything, could you do the same?

Oh and always being right is a narc trait.

Dr Les Carter has youtube videos called surviving narcissism, I bet most of it will ring true.

Thanks FuckmyLife. I'll have a look tomorrow when he's back at work. I've been thinking for ages narcissist just doesn't fit. After a bad weekend I decided to look up grey rock even though he's not a narc to see if it would help me. I clicked on a link about covert narcasists. And the stuff there sounded a lot more familiar. I feel like I have some clarity now and know where I stand, but I'm also really sad. I can't fix this.

No you can't but knowledge is power

The relationship had been a bit patchy for a year or so but I thought It was just the stresses of a non sleeping toddler.

We had a massive blow up end of last year (my birthday:( ) he told me he didn't love me and then the next morning he backtracked and said he was so sorry and was super nice up until Xmas. Then he just started withdrawing gradually from then until he lost his job. He couldn't even bring himself to talk to me one day and I asked what was wrong. He said he didn't love me and that he was leaving and losing his job was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I knew after the first argument on my birthday that it was the beginning of the end. I was still devasted when he finally did leave even though I probably should have realised. Self preservation I guess!

I've tried to work on my fitness recently to deal with weight gain and for a general mood lift but I don't feel supported by him when I do this. He goes quiet on me when I say I'm going to the gym or a very rare night out. I otherwise do very little for myself due to having the children so much when he's at work.

Keep with the fitness, it will be great for your mood/self-esteem. The silence is a form of control, he is making his displeasure at you doing something for you felt. Ignore the fucker!

@raindropsandrosepetals how are you?

@Fuckmyliferightnow so sorry the thread disappeared! I'm ok. Between us things have improved. But I still don't want to have sex with him. Will it ever come back?!

How are you?

@raindropsandrosepetals I'm better thanks, same as you really, I don't want to dtd but I am, I just want to keep the peace for now.
It may come back, but for me it hasn't and I feel a bit emotionally dead!
I wish I had all the answers.

Hi
Have been lurking on mumsnet for a few weeks and lately looking for things that might fit the situation I’m in. Now I’ve found this I identify with so much on here!
As I type this I am feeling incredibly anxious at the thought of OH finding out what I’m doing.
I too have only been with one man and have nothing to gauge against whether I’m right to feel unhappy, or if it’s just my imagination. In the last 10 years I have been on and off anti depressants and what I noticed is when I’m not on them I have thoughts about leaving and feel unhappy. The meds seem to give me the ability to get through it all - but is that right?!
Everyone thinks he is the most wonderful dad and husband and what a great couple we are but inside I feel like I’m not myself.
I’m going to stop now as I don’t want to go on and on, especially as it’s my first time!
We’ve been together 20+ years and I’m in my 40s

@Zerofriends what sort of things have you been experiencing?
Putting them down here can help sort things in your head.
Even the small stuff!

Reading all these stories made me realise how lucky I am. I cannot believe how you all put up with such abusive men! Especially when you know they lie, cheat and drive kids home drunk 🥴! Yet. It's easy to say leave, but there is a process of waiting for benefits and accommodation that makes it tougher to leave.

It's so hard to leave