How did you know it was the end?

[raindropsandrosepetals]

This may be long, sorry.

My question is, if you have ended your marriage/LTR, how did you know it needed to end and there wasn't any hope at working on it?

Over the years DH and I seem to go in cycles of being fine and then having phases of disagreements/arguments.

We met when I was a teenager so I've only ever had a proper relationship with DH and I've realised I don't actually know what is "normal" in a relationship. As I've got older though, I've realised that there have been some things that have happened or been said that I accepted and moved on from that I wouldn't accept now. Age and wisdom and all that? When we were younger it was (or I thought it was) passionate and heated, but now it just feels draining. I've also lost all sex drive and although we have got on fine over the last few months, this is more as friends/in co-parenting roles. We have good family days out and generally run the house well. He works shifts whereas I work week days so it is often down to me to sort wrap around childcare or alternate my working hours to fit.

We've hit a particularly low point now where there's been another disagreement and he will not accept any responsibility or wrongdoing and will not apologise unless I point it out, which by then the words has little meaning to me. I've tried to work on my fitness recently to deal with weight gain and for a general mood lift but I don't feel supported by him when I do this. He goes quiet on me when I say I'm going to the gym or a very rare night out. I otherwise do very little for myself due to having the children so much when he's at work.

I have anxiety and am questioning myself whether this is "real" or my anxiety making me doubt and question myself and dragging up old issues in my head. Or is the added responsibility of work and children that makes it harder to work at a marriage compared to a young couple.

Sorry this did end up long and not particularly specific. I've tried to access counselling through my work to have someone impartial to talk to but there isn't any available at the moment.

If there was DV or cheating I'd be more confident in how I feel but it's the general shitness that is, just shit.

@ravenmum I really don't think he suspects me of cheating. It's very local so he could easily drive by or walk to it to check. And it's heavily subsidised so it's not a cost issue.

I think despite how he talks to me, he'd be gutted if we separated.

@FlamingoFlamenco

^^You do not need a reason to end the relationship. You do not have to justify ending it to him, you or anyone else.
It is your life. You only have the one. Take it. Live it. With smiles, with hope.With positivity.

This is truly lovely. I will hold onto that thought 

@Coffeeonthesofa Part of my concern is this is me, and I'm more hard work that I realise because of my anxiety.

@MeltedEggMum I hope you find your happy

Two incidents brought me clarity.

A man on holiday commented on how I laughed all the time, but he didn’t hear me laughing once when my husband was around. ( he was gay so not a line ) he may as well have said “he’s an arsehole love, leave him!”

He screamed and shouted at me for something I hadn’t done in front of someone else.

I can only explain it as popping my head above the clouds. Seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes changes everything. Especially when you feel extreme pity.

You need no excuse, if you’re unhappy, change it. LIfe is so short.

I truly believe that relationships require work and effort and compromise and that you shouldn't just walk away when things get tough.

But I also believe that you shouldn't stay if you're unhappy. If you have tried to fix things or change things and nothing happens. Or your personal happiness doesn't. Then it's okay to leave. The reasons for leaving don't have to be big. He doesn't have to be a scumbag.

A friend is going through a divorce. Truthfully, the marriage was a mistake from the start. The hardest part is that while it's a mutually agreed thing, they are having to go through this whole process of making one of them (him) the Bad Guy. Which isn't fair to either of them and just makes everything more painful. Relationships don't always work. That's life.

I am living with an emotionally abusive partner, since I've realised what he is and that I can't take it anymore, the love has gone and I can't get it back.

He is a narc and runs me into the ground, he's back to being Mr Lovely atm, it's hard to leave when he does this, I suspect that's why he does it.

Fuckmylife.

Have you read Lundy Bancroft book on abusive men?
It will explain his behaviour and give you the strength to leave.

Iris, I am reading it now.

So much of it applies to my life, it's scary.

But then so is trying to leave.

^^You do not need a reason to end the relationship. You do not have to justify ending it to him, you or anyone else.
It is your life. You only have the one. Take it. Live it. With smiles, with hope.With positivity

This is so true, I spent so long agonising whether to leave, weighing it all up.
I wasted so much time, now a year after I can honestly say I wish I had done it year before and not wasted my life.

My anxiety hasn’t gone completely, but I felt the clouds lifting the moment I moved i left him

I agree with @BlingLoving - a relationship always takes a certain amount of effort. Which is why, for me, the crucial point was when I realised I could make as much effort as I liked and nothing would change, as my ex wasn't going to cooperate.

It's a shame if he's likely to be sad, but in the end it could still actually be better for both of you. If you do decide to take action, do try to make it as blameless as possible - he just is how he is, and you just are how you are, and if you don't match up it's not (necessarily) because one of you is wrong and the other right.

I know it's tempting to wait until you have a "real", serious reason to leave - but what does that mean in practice? Waiting until one of you becomes abusive / has an affair / gets depressed? Then splitting apart violently and in anger? Or maybe just waiting and waiting, and none of that happening, until you're old and bitter? Why would you want any of that?

Could you try asking him openly why he is tutting when you go out? Passive aggressive behaviour thrives on the other person not challenging your hints.
Do you have any more options for counselling, e.g. privately? How is your anxiety manifesting itself?

Keep reading it. Write it all down, highlight it!

Then leave the fucker, it won’t get any better. Leaving will be better though, what’s holding you back?

My guilt and others saying I need to bide my time. Which I do but I'm overwhelmed and panicking about having to stay.
I'm worried if I don't do it now I will get swept away back to old habits and I'll never leave.

Also he gets quite nasty.

Sorry Op not trying to derail your thread.

@Fuckmyliferightnow

What are your options?
If he gets nasty, you know that won’t change or get better but it will get worse.

Every time he’s nasty to you he pushed the boundaries that little bit further.

Mine gets verbally nasty FuckmyLife. One of my barriers is financial. I'm really sick and can't work, may never be able too. Not in the UK. Government support for a single parent plus child support would 90% have to go on rent. So we'd have to separate under one roof. That idea just fills me with anxiety.....
The other barrier is I still care for him. He's hurt me so much, but I can't see to end that attachment.

I think you just know.....one day I realised I didn’t want this anymore and once I said it I felt better so acted on it. For him it came out the blue and he would have been happy to just settle for an easy life. I didn’t love him anymore and like yours he made me feel wrong for wanting a little time for myself, I did lose the weight and looked the best I had in years, but the constant battle with him to have me time meant I started to hate myself and resulted in emotional eating resulting in weight gain. I also take care of all the kids needs whilst walking on egg shells around him, what I realised was that I’d be no worse off for him not being around. Once I’d said it I also identified actually what was making me feel all those things, and things weren’t as ok as I thought I’d just settled for a grumpy self obsessed man, who had become an alcoholic and gambler and still can’t see what went wrong in our relationship. He’s very bitter and it’s all my fault but I know I’m time I’ll be so much happier.

Freddiefox you are right there, I feel he has called me miserable cunt one too many times.

OMG @JK1773 you could be me talking.

Things been bad for 2 years now. He lied, he stole, he drove the kids drunk, he crashed the car, he calls me tragic, he humiliates the DS, I went away for a 4 day trip without him and it was like a bloody epiphany , christ, I can do this WITHOUT YOU.

At the solicitor stage now. Just can't wait to get the fuck rid. An alcoholic loser was just making our lives a misery and he needed to be removed.

You just know, when... you just can't live like that anymore and know you deserve better..

When I realised that I could go now without guilt. I had tried to work past his infidelities, had put up with years of emotional abuse focussed particularly on how unattractive and boring I was, and had done absolutely everything around the house and for the children. It was never enough, but he was never man enough to say that he wanted out even though his actions in hindsight clearly showed that he did. I'm a bit slow on the uptake!

I looked at him one day and thought "I have tried my best to make this relationship work, but I will never be enough for him and I can only ever be me, I can't become someone else." It was a very calm moment of absolute knowledge and I filed for divorce the next week.

I actually do think I am a pretty decent person and I have never subscribed to his belief that looks are everything. I'm much happier now without him. Once he was so important in my life, now he is utterly irrelevant.

@Fuckmyliferightnow

Freddiefox you are right there, I feel he has called me miserable cunt one too many times.

That’s really hard to hear and breaks my heart a little, i’d forgotten how often my ex used to use those exact words 😢.

I hate myself for letting my boundaries become so blurred. There is no one else in my life who would/could call me a cunt without some consequences, and yet someone who was meant to love me called me a cunt all the time.

I’m sorry you are going through this. But my life changed so much ( for the better) once we’d left.

I also realised that I had more friends than I realised and people wanted to help!

Sorry i missed a few replies

@Fuckmyliferightnow derail away 

@ravenmum I will look into private counselling cost. Anxiety wise I am having trouble sleeping and have a knot in my stomach most of the time. I often hold back raising issues as I can't deal with the inevitable fall out.

I agree with everything you've said about having a "real" reason to leave and it's certainly not my intention or what I want.

As someone has said upthread it's "death by a thousand cuts" and all those things have now built up for me. What I want is to work out if it's my anxiety causing this and it's normal relationship stuff that I need to learn to deal with better or actually if this is an unhealthy relationship.

I'm sorry that you have dealt with the same. But good to hear you left and never looked back.

He playfully shoved me through a door (a bit like your ten year old brother did when you were a kid and got sniggered at) then when I got annoyed because I lost my balance I got a barrage of "you are such a miserable cunt" "you can't take a fucking joke" "it's no wonder our DC prefer to be around me" "if you can't hack my humour then fuck off".

Then he reduces me to tears by throwing my depression back my face, then reaches out for a hug because he is the only reasonable adult in the house that's willing to make up.

I'm a toy to him.

Then he'll be lovely and everything I do or say makes me look like I'm the bad guy because I don't want to be affectionate, so then I'm accused of being cold.

The last time, was the last time he got away with it!

Oh and then there's the cheating, which I still can't prove because he's too clever.

Mine was easy - he booked a romantic weekend at a hotel with a girl he swore was just a friend...

But previous to that I was asking the same question, so he did me a favour in the long run!

This is me too, though I’m in a controlling relationship, I’ve questioned myself especially as I’m now peri menopausal which might mean I’m more moody than normal! I actually think I’m very laid back and easy going, so I’m pretty sure it’s not me, though I get tied up in knots and made to seem unreasonable by my H.

He is emotionally abusive and controlling, he does things like pulling faces when I want to go out. Recently said neither of us should make arrangements on Sundays and keep them just for us. Controls what time I go to bed, comments on what I wear, hates me wearing earrings so I don’t wear them. Comments on what I eat, I’m a slim size 10, so can have pie and chips if I want it! Didn’t speak to me for 3 days when I had a fringe cut! I challenged him on it, and he just said he didn’t like it, but why that’s a reason to not speak to me.

He also lies about where he goes, I usually find out after the event, and it’s usually to do with horse racing or gambling. Though if I want to do something it can be a struggle. I don’t want to say much more as I’m paranoid he knows I’m on here. He hates all social media and he thinks Mumsnet is full of bitter old women

Meandyou

i get tied up in knots too. Then he next morning I feel like I've done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.

The bad now outweighs the good, that's how I know it's over.