Passive aggressive mil please advise

[rainbowgirl80]

I'm just wondering how to deal with my mil who often makes passive aggressive remarks to me.

My mil will do anything for anyone and is very well liked by a lot of people. Me and DH share a lot of friends and they're always telling me how lucky I am to have such a great mil. I got on very well with her until me and DH fell pregnant.

Unfortunately that pregnancy wasn't successful but mil couldn't get around the fact me and DH wanted that baby but was more upset the fact we hadn't told her I was pregnant and then advised me on contraception. DH was right beside me at the time claimed he didn't hear what she said so I second guessed myself and thought maybe I misheard her as nobody could be that cruel.

We now have 3 children and no matter how nice I am to her she always has a cutting remark to say. I tell her how dd took her first steps (as far as I was concerned they were her first steps) but mil goes well actually she took a few steps when I had her the week before. Not a big deal if she did but could she not just have said that's nice?

DS fell and split his chin open and I brought him into hospital. She tells me how I should have been watching him yet when she had 2 of my dc, dd got her hands on a bottle of bathroom cleaner mil was using and never once did I make mil feel bad and even acknowledged she must have got a fright when she saw her with it.

Just this weekend gone we had MIL over for dinner and I served up steak for the adults and homemade beef burgers for the kids. DH went into the kitchen to get more wine and I said to MIL what do you think of the steak and she goes to me as a mother I would have given my dc the steak and had the burger myself when they were younger.

I've spoken to DH about how her remarks make me feel like a rubbish mum. DH says I need to stand up to her but I'm not sure how without causing a huge conflict.

Other times she has made a few remarks in front of others when shes has drink on her and again no one says anything. Instead they down play it to the fact she's been drinking.

The thing is ds is older now and picks up on conversations and I do not want him thinking it's ok for mil to put me down.

I hate confrontation whereas mil has no problem with confrontation. Any advise would be really welcome please. Thanks

Next time she does it, take her firmly but gently aside and say in a low voice "Do NOT make remarks like this to me in the future", and then calmly walk away.

Every time she does it, look her in the eye and ask "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Why do you hang out with her or invite her over? Just stop.

Oh God YANBU, she's a complete bitch.

Stop inviting her over, stop going to see her. If you do see her, tell her her comments are unacceptable.

Take your DH at his word. You won't be causing conflict, she is. And she will keep on doing it, in your own home, if you don't do something.

MIL: as a mother I would have given my dc the steak and had the burger myself

You: take the steak off her plate and swap it for DSs burger.

Or just tell her she must be mad, wasting a prime cut of beef on a X year olds palate. Not to mention how hard it is for kids teeth. Burger are fine!

Enjoy yourself with it. You don't have to directly confront her. You can just make up up a "Silly Grandma" sentence and smile, all authentically amused, of course!

Your husband has the responsibility to set her straight: it's his mother, and he needs to back you up and tell her that it stops. If it fails to stop, he needs to take up the suggestions of the other posters in telling her she's being very rude every time she does it. I'm glad you're keen to demonstrate to your children that there are consequences for bad behaviour: they'll see it played out to their grandmother!

It's awful when you're the target of someone who seems universally nice to others.

I would just deal with the facts she presents. Beefburger/steak remark? Ask her why she would do this. She either backtracks or says you're an unfit mother (that's what she's implying, but making her say it leaves you open to defending yourself). On the child hurting there chin, id have agreed with her and asked if she felt the same way when child got hold of the cleaner. Then commiserate on how children's actions when you're looking elsewhere can really frighten you.

In my experience passive aggressive people thrive on innuendo.

I think the best to make the UNseen seen.

Not my MIL but an ex colleague was so ''lovely'' to everybody but really manipulated the dynamics around us to leave me excluded. She was good at it too.

I put up with it. I said nothing. I rose above it. It got worse and worse and I googled approaches endlessly. I came to the conclusion that the advice I should have taken was to make the hidden seen.

Say with witnesses (so it cannot be twisted)

''I feel like you give other people the benefit of the doubt but my actions are all given the more negative interpretation. Is this your intention?''

Now, she is unlikely to say ''yeh, busted''. More likely she will say ''no no no not my intention at all''.

At which point you do not disagree with her. You say ''well I'm so happy to know that! happy to be wrong!'' and you give her the benefit of the doubt and you change the subject. That's important. You must accept her denial as though it were genuine and heartfelt. give an oscar winning performance.

It may sound too inconsequential to have any affect, but apparently it puts the passive aggressor on notice that you will not be fucked with. It lets him/her know that you might be better at fighting back with a smile on your face than he/she had thought.

Repeat everything back to her exactly as she said it - she won’t expect this and won’t have a reply it will make her feel awkward because there will be a pause - don’t speak wait till she justifies her opinion - raise eyebrows are optional

That way you haven’t accused her of anything, just waiting for an explanation

Give it a try

Ooh! yes!

MIL: as a mother I would have given my dc the steak and had the burger myself

You: you would have given your dc the steak and had the burger yourself [raise an eyebrow and wait... ]?

DH went into the kitchen to get more wine and I said to MIL what do you think of the steak and she goes to me as a mother I would have given my dc the steak and had the burger myself when they were younger.

If she says something like this again when DH is out of the room, check with him - in front of her - when he comes back.

“DH, MIL says when you were a child she would give you steak and have a burger herself - is that right?”

You can do three things,

Call it out. Say to her that judgemental comment is not acceptable to me.

Stare at her silently. Say nothing, thr moment she's done it simply look at her with disdain and keep looking. Don't break eye contact. Just show her your contempt in that silent prolonged look. People hate silence and she will rush to fill it and justify it, keep silent, keep staring, then turn away and change the subject, with a "well anyway" and talk to someone else. It also shines a huge spotlight on her comment as you sit silently looking st her.

Keep going as you are and let her away with it.

"Oh, sorry, I'll remember you prefer burgers next time!"

In my view it's best not to pull her up on her rudeness. If you make own comment back it will never be forgotten and she will always have the perfect ammunition to tell your DH and the rest of the family how rude you were to her.
Every time she is rude to you, tell your DH and let him deal with her.

If the children get hurt and they always do, just tell her that you decided learning is more important than bubble wrapping them.
Any time she puts you down,. Tut at her and say things have changed in 40 years....

Just respond with "Really?" each time she makes a rude comment and allow a flicker of contempt to cross your expression before turning away.
Another tactic that works well....though it is a bit rude! (needs must sometimes) is to turn your back on her as she's in the middle of a comment and talk to someone else.
You need to treat fire with fire here OP otherwise, she'll keep on keeping on.

@yomommasmomma hes NOT dealing with it though, is he?!

You need higher and consistently applied boundaries; stop inviting her over for a start. You would not anyway tolerate this from a friend, his mother is no different.

I would tell your DH and get him also to deal with her; the two of you certainly need to present a united front with regards to his mother. How does he get along with regards to his mother, what are relations like between these two people?.

One thing passive-aggressive people will not do is make decisions. Instead, a passive-aggressive in-law will try to manipulate you into making the decision he/she wants. This way, he bears no responsibility if things go wrong and he retains the option to complain about your choice. Force your in-law to make choices, such as where to eat or when to get together.

If you lose your temper with a passive-aggressive person, she will fall into the role of the victim. Because of her indirect way of communicating, she will be able to deny any responsibility for your behavior, making you the bad guy.

When all else fails, use the same skills you use when dealing with children. Praise the behaviour you want to see again, be consistent in never giving in to the passive-aggressive tactics and ignore any undesirable conduct.

You may also want to read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

You need to challenge her. Chances are that you will only need to do it once.

She is a bully but doesn't want anyone else to know. If she thinks you will out her vocally every time she says something nasty, she will probably stop.

I'd have taken her steak off her plate & cut it in to 3 and put it on the kids plate and left her with the sides only.

In my experience passive aggressive people thrive on innuendo.
That's right. I'd also go for the approach of asking exactly what it is she's saying, or whether she means it this or that way:

MIL: I'd have fed my child steak!
You (interested): Oh, do you think that I was being selfish by making them burgers?

MIL: You should use X, Y and Z contraception.
You: Why do you say that?

MIL: You should have been watching out for son better.
You: Do you think I was careless?

Always with an air of curiosity, trying to understand the message she wants to get across. I mean, what she says really is a bit odd, so you probably are actually curious as to what is going on in her head when she says it, right?

What do you think is going on in her head? Does she just blurt out rubbish generally? Is she incredibly thick skinned herself and doesn't even realise anyone might be offended?

Call her out on it every time. Just question it, ask for clarification.

Steak/burger situation:
Really, why mil? Do you think the kids are being deprived or something? (Laugh, if u have to, to lighten the mood, but make her justify her comments.)

Kid hurting himself:
Mil, I feel bad enough as it is please don't make me feel any worse. Do you really think I wasn't taking proper care of him? These things happen, kids hurt themselves, even when you are watching them. I didn't judge you about the cleaning stuff, did I?

You can't go on like this! Address each comment. Say pardon, ask her to repeat it to give you time to react. Look at DH, let him know you're not happy, Repeat it to him if he's out the room!

Ask your DH about his childhood scars...
Then remind her they happened on her watch

Thank you everyone for all the really good advice.
I won't see her for a few weeks but I will come back and update how it goes.

DH has a good relationship with her but he's more comfortable with her to pull her up if she says something to him however he does let a lot go over his head and doesn't take things to heart.

I like the idea of questioning everything she says to me and asking her why but I'd definitely be tempted next time to take a good steak off her and swap it with my dcs burgers 😂

She’s not passive aggressive she’s aggressive aggressive!
I like the idea of keeping it silent and a look
Of disdain.
Stop Inviting her round. Or having much to do With her, your kids are noticing, it’s not on.
Ps your DH is useless.