Ex partner, our daughter and where I stand.

[WRB23]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice really. I have a 1 year old daughter with my ex partner and I am finding it really difficult to know where I stand legally and how much right I have when it comes to standing up to my ex.

My ex has always been rather difficult when it comes to our daughter, she likes to control where I see our daughter, where I take her (if I am ever allowed to take her out) and the contact that my daughter has with my parents.

This all came to a head today when I received a phone call from my ex to inform me that she has suddenly decided to get our daughter christened and has booked a date today. Now I don’t have an issue with our daughter being christened my issue is the way that she has gone about it.

Rather than discussing anything with me or even checking that the date works etc etc she has just gone ahead and done it. I have tried to explain that I feel it’s a bit crazy to just suddenly wake up and decide to get the kids christened and to do it all without the slightest communication with me before doing it. She is now trying to tell me where it’s all happening, who’s being invited, who’s not coming or not allowed to come. She doesn’t seem to get or want to get where I am coming from. It just turned into an argument about my apparent need to control the situation and that I’m childish and need to grow up. However throughout the whole conversation she referred to our daughter as ‘my’ daughter and the guests being invited as ‘her’ guests so it feels as if the only controlling one here is my ex.

I just don’t know how I can try and explain to my ex that I want to be involved, I want to know these things, I have a right to know these things and have an input.

I am listed on my daughters birth certificate so have rights but when I have mentioned that in the past my ex has (wrongly) told me she can have me removed.

Any one out there with any advice?

With regards to paying for the tax and insurance by the way, you only split up 9 months ago. If it hasn’t renewed in that time, you may have been liable for the insurance finance anyway, if you took out a pay monthly plan.

OP - You need to start the legal process of contact or shared residency as soon as possible. It is wrong that your ex is autocratically dictating where and when and what you are allowed to do regarding your DD. This is a priority.

I also agree that CMS is the way to go with child maintenance as it is clear you do not have any sort of healthy communication or co parenting relationship with your ex. It is much better to formalise things through official channels and then you can not be asked for money on an ad hoc basis. Contact the CMS directly and begin the process then inform your ex this is how you will be providing maintenance going forward. It can take a while to sort out unfortunately. Obviously you need to provide food/nappies/clothes etc when DD is in your care but you sound like you would gladly do this anyway.

I also don’t feel like her criticism is justified as recently we have had 2 A&E trips whilst my daughter was in my ex’s care!
Please be careful not to fall into "tit for tat" territory over your DDs care- the fact your DD has been to A&E twice is not unusual for many toddles and the court may see this as you making veiled accusations against your ex's competency as a parent even though you do not mean to. I totally understand you are trying to make a genuine point because of your frustration but it can be viewed differently. Same goes for describing her as a lunatic.

Unless your ex had an official written agreement with your parents detailing the loan for the car there is little that can be done to recuperate the money. Stop paying the tax and insurance as soon as you are able to as you have no legal obligation to pay for this indefinitely . I would officially inform your ex when you are stopping this payment so that she has advance notice to purchase her own tax/insurance and so that she is not unknowingly driving the car illegally.

Please be aware that you ex seems to dictate everything then it is likely that any change to this will provoke a negative response. Be prepared for this, it may be heartbreaking for you as she may withhold contact for the interim until a court order is in place. This may seem a terrifying prospect but the sooner this is sorted out officially then the sooner you can spent consistent, one on one time with your daughter building a strong parental relationship with her without interference. Your daughter is young and it is best to get this sorted at this stage.

How many times do people need to say get your arrangements formalised? This is your only way forward .

My feeling from your posts is that she feels that you have not been there for your child and so she is going ahead making arrangements without you . Money on its own does not constitute involvement .

You need to take legal advice .

Hi Everyone,

I know all the advice has been to get something formal and legal in place but the events of tonight might give everyone an indication as to why I am petrified of doing so. I hope this doesn’t make any one think any differently of me.

I have OCD, I have done for many years. My ex knew this when we got together. Tonight I have been told that I am unstable, unable to cope, not mentally safe, not safe, that my daughter hates me, that she screams every time I’m near her and that I am a liar and as a result of this she is cutting a day out of my access to my daughter. Also stating that it is due to my step son hating me and that I am the reason for his bad behaviour. My ex also said something absolutely vile and said that my OCD makes me unstable and for all she knows I could be cleaning our daughter with anti bacterial wipes. It makes me sick that she could say things like that!

This has all come about because the other day my ex wanted to go through my car as it had some of her belongings in it, I said sure why not, it’s your stuff in there after all. I had totally forgotten that I had left my doctors note in there which had signed me off for a week this week due to the stresses of dealing with my ex (the note as facedown in the footwell and when I got back into the car it was no longer face down).

My ex has quite clearly read this and is now claiming all of these things, I am being called a liar because I haven’t told her (bear in mind she isn’t my partner any more and tells me on a regular basis that I don’t need to know her business) oh and that because I am lying about that I could be lying about anything.

She twists everything that is said to her, she really is a nasty piece of work and that is why I am a terrified of taking this down a legal route

You do have a leg to stand on but then I think you enable her behaviour. Why pay for insurance and tax when it’s in her name? I don’t understand it why you can’t have minimal contact and only about contact and the kids specifics.

Why did she have anything of hers in your car? This is all very odd.

I understand why you’re scared to act legally, but my opinion, for what it’s worth, is that she is only going to get worse. Yes, expect her to get nasty when you stand up for yourself through the law... but it’s not like she’s being nice now, is it?

Is your OCD the reason given by her previously, for why she hasn’t allowed you to take your daughter outside of her mother’s home?

She had some old maternity stuff in my car as it used to be a shared car. The stuff in there hadn’t been looked at for a long time and just suddenly the other day she decided she wanted to look at it.

No I know she’s very nasty as it is so I can’t see it improving. The issue is she is trying her hardest to turn our daughter against me. She’s already done it with our step son. The whole issue is surrounding him to be honest. However on several occasions she will tell me he’s nothing to do with me but then expects me to deal with two children when I visit. Tonight she took him out with her because apparently he hates me.. when he returned he woke up our daughter which in turn then became my fault. Our daughter saw my ex and got upset but was more than happy to then settle again with me. My ex has now turned this into my daughter hating me and not wanting to be with me.

No she has never stated that. When we were together she said in an argument that I was unstable however if I am that unstable why is it ok for her to go out and me be left with my daughter whilst she’s out? She can’t quite seem to work that argument in her head though. I think it’s pure nastiness to be honest and is actually a very hurtful thing to say.

I also tried the grey rock technique tonight with my ex which was very very successful in the beginning and I think lead to even more effort from her to cause a reaction which I ignored originally. I failed slightly but some of the stuff she was saying was uncalled for and I couldn’t just let slide.

Cms and courts, end off!!
You cannot reason with this woman and you need to protect yourself and your daughter before it's too late!

I suggested waiting till your daughter was 2 but I think you do need to go to court now. You need to minimise contact with your ex to ensure that your DD and DSS are not exposed to the toxic environment. Just take the first step and book a solicitor appointment - you can do the court process yourself to save money but I think it'd be really useful to go over it with a solicitor first.

Well done with trying grey rock out! It will take a while to "work", during which she may ramp things up even further to try and get the reaction she wants. But it helps to have a formula to work with. My uncle said "surround them with a sea of reasonableness" (he's a psychiatric nurse). It might also be worth your reading "when I say no I feel guilty" which has good assertive but non confrontational techniques.