Ex partner, our daughter and where I stand.

[WRB23]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice really. I have a 1 year old daughter with my ex partner and I am finding it really difficult to know where I stand legally and how much right I have when it comes to standing up to my ex.

My ex has always been rather difficult when it comes to our daughter, she likes to control where I see our daughter, where I take her (if I am ever allowed to take her out) and the contact that my daughter has with my parents.

This all came to a head today when I received a phone call from my ex to inform me that she has suddenly decided to get our daughter christened and has booked a date today. Now I don’t have an issue with our daughter being christened my issue is the way that she has gone about it.

Rather than discussing anything with me or even checking that the date works etc etc she has just gone ahead and done it. I have tried to explain that I feel it’s a bit crazy to just suddenly wake up and decide to get the kids christened and to do it all without the slightest communication with me before doing it. She is now trying to tell me where it’s all happening, who’s being invited, who’s not coming or not allowed to come. She doesn’t seem to get or want to get where I am coming from. It just turned into an argument about my apparent need to control the situation and that I’m childish and need to grow up. However throughout the whole conversation she referred to our daughter as ‘my’ daughter and the guests being invited as ‘her’ guests so it feels as if the only controlling one here is my ex.

I just don’t know how I can try and explain to my ex that I want to be involved, I want to know these things, I have a right to know these things and have an input.

I am listed on my daughters birth certificate so have rights but when I have mentioned that in the past my ex has (wrongly) told me she can have me removed.

Any one out there with any advice?

You’re right, I don’t see it. Because what you have forgot to mention is the fact that my parents, her grandparents are the only people I am allowed to invite. So forgive me for questioning why when my family are not invited to a family event.

*her grandparents are only invited due to pushing from me

No, I haven’t forgotten to mention that. How is it my job to mention that?

You told us that you questioned why she was inviting her boyfriend and his family.
Which is perfectly reasonable of her, and completely unreasonable of you.

You did not say that you questioned her on why they were included but your family were not.

(your family beyond your parents, I mean - and I guess your friends too)

Well then I apologise but I thought that would have come across from previous posts after mentioning that my family are very much on the out skirts of this.

That is why I questioned it, due to the fact that these people are being invited and I’m not allowed to invite anyone from my family, actual blood relations. I’m sure things would have been looked at differently if I was arranging this and wanted to invite my new partner and her family and down right refused to have my ex partners family involved.

It seems to me that you are enabling her bad behaviour by being over generous with the child support. I would look at providing the guide amount rather than anything above and beyond.

You could put the excess into an account for your daughter for when she’s older. I think best do this now before you have a child with someone else - otherwise the ex could cause further problems.

If you genuinely think your ex is unstable then I would look at full or partial custody.

I wouldn’t make much of a christening though. It’s just a party isn’t it? Why not have your own christening. Are you even religious?

OP from your OP it doesn’t sound like you’re even religious, am I right? So what does it matter? She has arranged an event to which you and your parents are invited but it is her event, that she has organised, so she gets to decide who gets to come or not. If it was a birthday party she was organising would you expect a veto on the guest list? You do sound petty and controlling tbh and I can see why she’s got the hump about it. I’d be fucking livid if my son’s father started trying to stick his nose into things I was organising. I might invite him and his partner out of politeness but I wouldn’t let him dictate who else I invited and I wouldn’t be inviting all his family and mates at my expense. Likewise I wouldn’t kick off about anything he was organising as long as my son would be safe and cared for. Why not just let her get on with the christening, in a church you’ve probably never set foot in and never will. Honestly, in the great scheme of things it’s not important. The child won’t even remember it anyway.

Sort out your access and get your CM made official and leave her alone. She might be in irresponsible pita but that’s her business. Your relationship has ended with her so she can do what she likes, with whom she likes. This woman has made it clear she doesn’t want you, so concentrate on getting access sorted to see your child and move on with your life.

What exactly is the event that she doesn’t want you inviting people to?
Is it just a church christening, or is there a party involved?

I’m divorced, I organise my children’s parties. That includes doing all the catering, booking bouncy castles and halls, and paying for the whole lot. I actually do always invite my XH (it was fairly amicable) but after the first one he hasn’t bothered to come.

I absolutely would not want him thinking he could just invite people.

Now I know that a birthday is suddenly because it’s not a one off event - nothing stops the other parent from having their own celebration too, that’s quite normal. A perk for the children of two homes!

A christening is a one off. She absolutely should not tell you who you can and can’t invite to the ceremony. Not just morally! It’s a public event, she literally can’t.

But if she’s having a family and friends celebration afterwards, that she is organising, I can just slightly see why she doesn’t want you filling it up with other people.

To some people, a christening is a really important and meaningful ritual. Those people don’t usually wait until the baby is 15 months old, unless they are newly come to Christianity. To others, it’s just an excuse for a party. If it is just a family party, I can see why she wants that to be her family.

I think she’s wrong by the way. But say I was going to give her a 10/10 for unreasonable, I would actually drop it down to a 9/10, because I can see that to her, she might just want to have a family celebration without the ex and his parents.

If a christening is meaningful to you, then go to the ceremony. Invite anyone for whom the christening itself is meaningful. Nothing you’ve said suggests that the christening itself is. Personally, I was in your shoes my post would have been about her putting my child through a religious rite that wasn’t a religion I follow, without my permission.

Then arrange contact the next day / weekend and have your own celebration party?

But really... go and see a solicitor and sort out your contact. She shouldn’t even know if you’re inside or outside with your daughter. Or if you’ve been to your parents. How does she know?

I mean... a one off christening that doesn’t even sound like you’d have wanted an organised one is the thing you’re posting about? Not the more important thing of sorting out access?

@WRB23 if you’re seeing your child the evening before just don’t take her back to your ex. That way she can’t be christened.

Also, don’t expect a balanced view on here. If you’re a bloke, you’re guilty till proven guilty.

Just go to court and get a contact order. You don't need a solicitor as can self represent.
My husband did it with his ex and she was just bonkers.
Trying to dictate what he did with his child and wit holding kid if she was annoyed at something.
It stopped the control and he was able to move on with his life.
We have no involvement with mother now other than email and it works well.

Firstly I can see why things are coming across in the way that a couple of people have perceived however let me set the record straight.

I have absolutely no issue with the christening, in the grand scheme of things maybe just maybe it’s not important however in my eyes it is an important day in our daughters life therefore surely I should be involved? This added to the fact I will be asked to financially contribute.

Maybe my way of thinking is old fashioned but despite the fact my ex and I aren’t together my family is still our still daughters family. I didn’t veto any suggestions from her in fact it was the other way round. I was told originally my parents wouldn’t be allowed to attend and that is when I asked why, is that not a valid question in the grand scheme of things? Also you’re right I’m not particularly religious but neither is my ex who I doubt has ever stepped in that church before either.

Secondly you are now the second person who seems to think I am doing this because I want her back. To put it bluntly you’re wrong. I am not interested in her in that way, I care for her as the mother of my child but that’s where it ends. I’m not interested in her life or where she goes or what she does UNLESS it effects the children and to say she has made it clear she isn’t interested is actually quite insulting as you are clearly insinuating that I am so sort of love sick puppy.

OP, ignore Manclife’s advice. It’s the quickest way to escalate things and any subsequent court proceedings would be prejudiced by it.

So what are your current contact arrangements?

What’s her issue (from her point of view) with your parents?
Wanting to control the contact your daughter has with them and not wanting them at the christening suggests there may be a specific issue.

There are certainly immature or downright malicious women.
But there are also so pretty bloody awful (ex) in laws around too, so just interested if she might be being in any way reasonable yo not want them there!

Ellisandra: thank you again for your reply, you seem to have some really balanced views.

The block on inviting people related to the christening itself, there is a party afterwards which to be frank with you I can’t see my family wanting to attend, what with the situation and the absolute 10/10 awkwardness it would bring. Like you said Birthdays are different however due to the current difficulties she likes to cause with my access my parents/family don’t get to see my daughter even a day after her birthday.

In all honestly I’m not a religious person, I get christenings and I get why. I think the genuine reasons for christenings have been watered down somewhat over time but i can still view it as an important event in our daughters life. I mean I’m pretty shocked that randomly a year after her birth she has decided to pursue it but then I guess I’ll never know the true reason for that.

The reason my ex knows what I do on my days is because she refuses to allow me to take my child out or back to my family home. She insists that when I visit I stay at her flat and that is it. She controls every aspect of my time with my daughter. Even if I suggest taking her to an event at a local play centre I am told I’m not allowed.

If you aren’t religious then a christening is just a fart in the wind. They may as well be having a ceremony praising Zeus or Gandalf.

I’d pick my battles starting with official visitation and child support. You won’t get thanked for giving her more than you should.

Dont delay with court. It takes an age to actually get there. Solicitor now. Aim for resident parent or 50/50. Go back and make a detailed list of all the times you've been messed about. Keep a back dated and on going list of expenses.

Im in France so possibly different but it's actually illegal here to get a child christened without the consent of both parents. You really need to speak to the vicar/priest in question and state that you've haven't consented and you've been railroaded. He will talk to her.

You are currently in a position of strength so don't hand about being a doormat get on with this through the proper channels starting with booking mediation ASAP.

Crikey, some posters in here are coming across as very anti man!
A christening is an important event in a child's life, for some it's not actually about the religious aspect, but about welcoming the child into the world.
The mother is being extremely controlling by telling the OP that she has booked such an event, what the plans are but then telling him he can't have anything to do with it bar invite his parents, her child's grandparents! That's just totally nasty and unnecessary.
OP, go to a solicitor, get legal advice, get access arrangements written down so that you have some come back when she changes her mind. This is not going to end well I'm afraid.

Thanks for taking my posts in the spirit they are meant. I know it can seem a bit “on her side” but I don’t think it adds much to fuel the fire and say “oh she’s such a bitch”. Which leaves me on the side of trying to work out what might be reasonable.

So - not wanting a christening full of your ex’s family... I’m divorced, I get it. I might be more mature than her and grin and bear it - but I get it

But it isn’t reasonable that you only see your daughter when you’re at her flat. Clearly it’s not a supervision issue as she goes out. Again, looking for any reasonableness, I could see that as you separated when the baby was 3 months old, perhaps she didn’t trust you out and about with her. Maybe she even had reading to, if she’d done the lion’s share of the parenting. Maybe it wasn’t fair but it was understanding protective. Who knows. But that’s for an almost newborn, not a one year old.

I would go to a solicitor, and find out what you have to do if she argues about your contact proposal, or thwarts agreed contact. e.g. mediation before court.

Then, without mentioning a solicitor I would say, “look, it’s great that we haven’t let the split get in the way of coparenting her, for her sake, and that I’ve been welcome here. But you’re expecting another now, you’re going to need some privacy and so will your boyfriend. Also, she’s getting older now so I want to take her out and about to soft play and farm parks. I think it’s better for everyone if we decide what days suit us both best, and have a more formal arrangement. I suggest

Clearly from what you've said here, your ex is unreasonable. Others have given some points as to where she may be coming from that I think could be useful for you to consider.

It's tricky when you split with a baby involved and the mother has been doing most of the care (due to maternity leave). My ex and I split when our DS was 9 months and it took until DS was 16 months for his Dad to have him for a few hours without me and till he was 2 for him to have an overnight stay. That wasnt on my schedule or even my suggestion as I would have moved things quicker but it was the timetable that ex felt comfortable with. They slowly built a relationship (ex wasn't very involved for the first 9 months) with me taking DS round to ex's house. lt wasn't ideal for me having to spend so much time around ex, but with hindsight, it was the best thing for DS and they now have a good relationship.

I would also definitely look into getting proper access in place by the court and see a solicitor about it for advice. However, if you can, I would leave it until your DD is 2. Partly because it sounds like there will be lots of changes in terms of your ex's new baby in the next few months that might change the situation anyway and partly because when DD is 2, it'll be easier to put in place a routine that will work for a few years. When my DS was 2 I could explain to him what was happening so it was easier for him.

At that point, you could suggest to your ex, maybe via mediation (or the court) gradually phasing in a routine of every other weekend and an overnight in the week.

In the meantime, look up grey rock technique for your ex. You just don't react to anything and give boring monotonous responses so she gives up trying to cause drama. Become totally disinteresting to her.

In terms of the christening, I just wouldn't turn it into a big thing. Go along with your parents but try not to stress it. Turn the tables and try out the grey rock. You could always have your own naming party/blessing or whatever when you have more time with your DD. Basically, as frustrating as it is for you, play the long game with the whole situation.

Just go to HMCTS website and download the c100. Full it in and send to local family or combined court. If you are on benefits or low wage complete 'help with fees'. If you have the £215 pay it and go to court. There is no reason not to do this.
A family court starts from the stand point of a child's right to a relationship with BOTH parents.

You REALLY don't need a lawyer . Do it . !!! Do it for your child and this nonsense will stop.

Hi Everyone,

Slight update, didn’t think starting a new thread is worthwhile.

A slight background... when we were together and our daughter arrived we decided we needed to get a larger car. My ex’s mother was selling hers which was perfect however we didn’t have the funds available. My ex and I asked my parents who duly lent us the money to buy the car. My parents took care of transferring the money.

When we separated my ex took the larger car due to needing the space for the kids. I still to this day pay the tax and insurance on it however the car is registered in my ex’s name.

I have just had a phone call from my ex who tells me now that she’s thinking of changing the car because it’s a 2 litre and she doesn’t like it ( it’s only taken her a year to work that out). The reality is she needs an even bigger car now due to her being pregnant again.

I am not having the car I borrowed money for which I am still paying back fund my ex’s new car for her new child. My ex is adamant she can do what she pleases and refuses to even acknowledge my point of view. Her argument is that my parents offered to pay for the car and that it was bought for the children.

So I have a leg to stand on here? Am I dealing with an absolute lunatic or am I one?

Please help

I think you could start by dropping the hyperbole of “absolute lunatic” here.

Registration of the car does not prove ownership, so you need to prove that it’s yours. Sometimes, that’s done with a receipt for purchase - but even then it’s her word against yours if you could have bought it and given it to her as a gift.

I doubt you have a receipt from her mother.

In court, the fact that you are still paying the purchase loan back could go in your favour. But again, doesn’t prove you didn’t gift the car to her. Plenty of people get a loan / use a credit card to buy a gift.

Paying tax and insurance - doesn’t prove it’s yours, you may be doing that as part of a ‘support’ package as your child is being driven in it.

Assuming the car isn’t worth a huge amount (?) I would not pick this battle. I would tell her it’s fine to sell it, but you want her to pay back the remaining loan. Of course she’ll refuse - I daresay there’ll be no money back as it’ll be a part ex.

I would stop paying the tax and insurance from the end of this month.

Am I wrong and you have any proof of ownership? If you do, then you could go and take it back. But the important thing at the moment is sorting out contact. So I’d keep that very much in mind.

If it’s not worth a huge amount, I’d write it off, and use the change of car to stop paying tax and insurance, which is a much less antagonistic way to do it.

However, I’d fully respect any poster who said “she’s going to be difficult over access whether you play nicely on the car or not - tell her she’s taking the piss”.