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Original poster

Help!! Freindship dilema

46 replies

Y0rkshire · 04/06/2019 09:03

Soooo my close friend is getting married at the other end of the country (we all live in Yorkshire) later in the year and it is a weekend event and no children have been invited.
The problem is I don't have any friends or family who could have my toddler for a weekend, a night is even pushing it and then it would be a baby sitter I'd have to pay for! I have told my pal that I couldn't attend her wedding weekend and asked to take her and her other half out for dinner and I offered to pick them up then we could have a chat and a catch up about the wedding. The evening before the planned dinner I messaged her to confirm pick up time and she said she was too busy with work and would have to cancel which is disappointing but I also lost my deposit for the bistro I had booked for the dinner for us all which was also disappointing (I didn't tell her). She said we would have to re arrange but I have not heard from her for nearly 2 months. I am feeling a bit sensitive and need some sisterhood advice ... Shall I just message her and arrange something else and stop thinking the worse? She isn't usually the type of person to get grumpy but then again she could be annoyed I cannot come to the wedding. The dinner was supposed to be my chance to tell her (which she already knows) that I have no childcare cover for 3 days! Help ....

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 17:29

*You have no way of knowing that.

Most people would have a family member or friend that could mind a child. I think it's rare to have no one at all.*

I'll take a good guess from their absolutism (and arguably selfishness) in their wedding decisions that they wouldn't put themselves out for anyone.

And leaving a toddler with anyone,nincluding relatives, is putting yourself (and more importantly the toddler) out.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 17:31

It's not fair on you, them or the person looking after them.

And as I said, even bringing them along is a shit sandwich.

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 18:13

I'll take a good guess from their absolutism (and arguably selfishness) in their wedding decisions that they wouldn't put themselves out for anyone

Some of my friends had a no kids at wedding policy. They are working fearful, warm and lovely.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 18:17

Is there no father on the scene who could look after your child? I guess not.

Maybe she does have the hump as she thinks you could
D have sorted it. Or maybe she really is just busy. I think due to the timeline she's upset you're not coming to any of her wedding.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 18:20

And leaving a toddler with anyone,nincluding relatives, is putting yourself (and more importantly the toddler) out

I think that's a bit of a stretch, in many cases there is a friend, the other parent, a family member who could look after the child for one night/two days max it would take to attend. I also think it's not common to have absolutely no one. But it does of course happen. I think saying it's always putting youtself and the kid out is a bit much.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 18:49

Some of my friends had a no kids at wedding policy. They are working fearful, warm and lovely.

Sorry, I'm not sure what the typo was meant to be, but I wouldn't see people who exclude children (if there were no children in family and friends' families to include; that would be one thing but a "no kids" wedding sounds like they are and they are specifically excluded) from a wedding as warm & lovely, but that's just me.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 18:50

*there are

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 18:58

People often attend weddings as couples, which ruled out the other parent.

If it's one night maybe, but this seems to be three (and nearly the other end of England) - it does put them out .. toddlers are hard enough to manage with sleep issues, teething, the bugs they constantly get, tantrums, clinginess etc without having their usual carer eg doing their night time routine. And likewise you'll be worrying about them, and feel bad for the person left trying to settle and comfort them. Bringing them is a better option but is complicated, ecpensive etc. You'll have to bring a baby sitter, settle them.away from home/familiarity, travel.with them (which is not easy) ... How can you claim to be a real friend to someone and put all that crap into them. It'll be you in a short time, most likely,behave a bit of cop on and tolerance.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 18:59

*How can you claim to be a real friend to someone and put all that crap onto them. It'll be you in a short time, most likely; have a bit of cop on and tolerance.

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 19:47

A wedding is usually one day, it's meant to be the couple's day l, so let them choose what they want.

I think you are being unfair, majorly, in deciding a couple are a certain way because they choose not to have children at their wedding.

Lots of couples, I am sure, enjoy having a night out without their children. It doesn't make them bad people.

You are totally generalising. You don't know the op's friends.

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 19:49

Absolutely agree with you, Bluntness 100

BlueMerchant · 04/06/2019 19:56

I think I'd try and arrange something for after the wedding. She could be really busy as she said and be stressed out. I'd contact her and ask if you can arrange something for sometime after the wedding. Maybe a day- out or meal and say you'll organise it nearer the time. I'd also continue to keep in touch with her and show an interest in the wedding to show you are not upset at her regarding the no kids rule. She may be feeling really awkward.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 19:57

*A wedding is usually one day, it's meant to be the couple's day l, so let them choose what they want.

I think you are being unfair, majorly, in deciding a couple are a certain way because they choose not to have children at their wedding.

Lots of couples, I am sure, enjoy having a night out without their children. It doesn't make them bad people.

You are totally generalising. You don't know the op's friends.*

This isn't a night out, it's a wedding. Of course people don't want kids on a night out, that's completely different.

Yes its their one, special day (if they don't divorce or aren't already divorced) and I think its significant that they choose to make it a "child free" one.

I know they've made their wedding 'no kids', even though at least one close friend has them. And very likely other family members and friends.

OhamIreally · 04/06/2019 19:58

Why can't you take your toddler with you and book an agency sitter for a few hours at the hotel. You can have a nice family break and at least have some time at the wedding?

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 20:25

Yes its their one, special day (if they don't divorce or aren't already divorced)*

Ridiculous comment.

memaymamo · 05/06/2019 06:09

Everyone seems to be excellent mind readers. How can we possibly know what the bride/friend is thinking? The simplest explanation is that she's consumed with wedding planning and other things going on in life.

Hope it works out to get together again, OP. Let her know how sad you are to be missing it.

ShatnersWig · 05/06/2019 07:47

some sisterhood advice

So male MNetters can't comment on this one?

Moralitym1n1 · 05/06/2019 07:48

Ridiculous comment.

Merely commenting on the irony of the "one special day on your life" narrative, in a society where about half the population ends up divorced, most of them remarry and many who are getting married, have already had a wedding day.

Moralitym1n1 · 05/06/2019 07:48

*of your life

Waitingforsleep2 · 05/06/2019 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ittakes2 · 07/06/2019 09:08

I’m a bit confused. No child weddings are a bit of a pain to navigate - but its not unusual for people to take their children with them and have them baby sat for the actual wedding on the day? I’m not sure why you needed someone to look after your toddler for three days?

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