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Original poster

Help!! Freindship dilema

46 replies

Y0rkshire · 04/06/2019 09:03

Soooo my close friend is getting married at the other end of the country (we all live in Yorkshire) later in the year and it is a weekend event and no children have been invited.
The problem is I don't have any friends or family who could have my toddler for a weekend, a night is even pushing it and then it would be a baby sitter I'd have to pay for! I have told my pal that I couldn't attend her wedding weekend and asked to take her and her other half out for dinner and I offered to pick them up then we could have a chat and a catch up about the wedding. The evening before the planned dinner I messaged her to confirm pick up time and she said she was too busy with work and would have to cancel which is disappointing but I also lost my deposit for the bistro I had booked for the dinner for us all which was also disappointing (I didn't tell her). She said we would have to re arrange but I have not heard from her for nearly 2 months. I am feeling a bit sensitive and need some sisterhood advice ... Shall I just message her and arrange something else and stop thinking the worse? She isn't usually the type of person to get grumpy but then again she could be annoyed I cannot come to the wedding. The dinner was supposed to be my chance to tell her (which she already knows) that I have no childcare cover for 3 days! Help ....

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/06/2019 09:04

She has the hump! Did you explain why you couldn’t attend the wedding when you declined?

khaleesi71 · 04/06/2019 09:07

Your friend is being insensitive - she's getting married and it's a special time but if you place restrictions on attendance (which she is entitled to do) then she must accept that people can't attend. You have tried everything but can't conjure up childcare from thin air. I'd call her and have a chat - you're really sad not to be able to attend but given your circumstances it's difficult. She may be sulking of course - in which case I'd step back and allow her time to get over herself. Some brides lose all sense of perspective.

user1493413286 · 04/06/2019 09:07

I would try and arrange another dinner. You don’t have to be apologetic or feel bad that you can’t attend the wedding; part of having a child free wedding is also realising that some people won’t be able to go, same as when people have a wedding abroad

Whoops75 · 04/06/2019 09:15

She has an unreasonable hump
Nothing you can do.
A meal about a wedding your not going to would be awkward imo

oh you’re having swans,I’d love to see them but can’t because of your stupid rules.

Original poster
Y0rkshire · 04/06/2019 09:25

Thanks everyone. I have messaged her and am trying to arrange a meet up with her :)

OP posts:
LemonTT · 04/06/2019 09:29

I expect she is busy dealing with wedding planning and can not afford to meet up with every guest who cannot come to her wedding to discuss the matter in further detail.

I would probably avoid the meal because I am not sure what you would be trying to achieve by retelling me that you can’t make the wedding because I set a no child rule. It is what it is, so what are you going to say. She probably thinks you are going to guilt trip her.

And what bistro charges for a booking cancellation🤔

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/06/2019 09:29

She is being completely unreasonable, however when you said
The dinner was supposed to be my chance to tell her (which she already knows) that I have no childcare cover for 3 days! I’m thinking maybe she doesn’t know why you can’t go

Original poster
Y0rkshire · 04/06/2019 09:57

Ps local bistro wanted a deposit for a special evening it was holding (small indies often do when they have to source special local food). I was paying for the meal, offered to pick her up - no expense to her or her partner. As a good pal I wanted to see her - not guilt trip her.

lemon TT stay nice..... If you have nothing helpful to say.... I'm stressing here!

My friend knows I have no one who can babysit for 3 days but I did want to let her know that I had tried to get something sorted. I guess I was just trying to be nice and to show that I care for a friendship of over 20 years. Anyway thanks for your perspectives and advice here.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/06/2019 10:13

People do tend to get caught up with themselves when they have a wedding- cut her a little slack but you can only try so many times.

Also if your friend is fed up of cancellations (as suggested by LemonTT) she should have planned a more inclusive wedding.

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 10:37

Why not put away a bit of money bit by bit so you can afford a babysitter?. It's not like you haven't had plenty of warning. How much would a meal out for the two of them had cost you?

That sounded harsh but I dont mean it to. I'd not miss a good friend's special day unless it was an energency.

Is there another reason you don't want to go?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/06/2019 11:39

Windmillwhirl the wedding is the opposite end of the country, OP would have to leave her toddler overnight.

FuriousVexation · 04/06/2019 11:45

Am I the only person reading this and thinking "bistro"?

ImMeantToBeWorking · 04/06/2019 11:52

Just an idea, could you contact the hotel where they are having the wedding and organised a babysitter for the evening of the wedding and explain to your friend that you need to bring your DC other than this?

Might be worth it to save a 20year friendship?

lipsticklush · 04/06/2019 14:33

Going out on a limb here and saying you perhaps could have saved hard to
Go to your close friends wedding and pay a babysitter. She could be hurt . I think I would be .
Did you have very little notice of their wedding?

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 14:42

Not everyone wants to leave their toddlers with a baby sitter, it can be disruptive/upsetting for them and if you have a toddler, you already spend your life trying to keep things consistent and calm for them.

If you decide to have a no children rule, you accept people with kids may not be able to come.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 14:44

Also if anything happens while the baby sitters have got them, you're a long/stressful/potentially expensive journey away from them.

Does friend have kids? Maybe she'll wise up when she does. I'd like to see her behaviour if the situation were reversed.

lipsticklush · 04/06/2019 14:48

But the only problem that the poster had was that she couldn't get a family member to help her, so she would have to pay somebody. She didn't mention not wanting to leave her toddler, as her reason for not going .

TixieLix · 04/06/2019 14:51

It's all very well suggesting OP "save hard for a babysitter" but who wants to leave their young child with a stranger for three days? I wouldn't, even if it was a close relative getting married.

lipsticklush · 04/06/2019 14:53

Some people have no issues leaving their children for a few days . This was not the reason given for poster not wanting to go

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 14:56

She didn't have to; any parent of a toddler would assume that it was a consideration.

lipsticklush · 04/06/2019 15:00

Not necessarily but maybe. It wasn't her first or second consideration in her op however .

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 15:05

In any case, excluding children from your wedding when one of your close friends has one (?) just makes it more difficult, inconvenient and expensive for them to attend. Even if she had childcare; how shitty to expect them to be away from their small child for 3 days. Or if they bring someone to look after them along (even more expensive) expect them to have snatches of time with their confused toddler, while they're kept out of way by a carer. Nice.

It's quite shitty, if you do it, don't expect their attendance.

MatchSetPoint · 04/06/2019 15:08

I understand you OP I wouldn’t want to leave a toddler with an Unknown babysitter either, it’s sad your friend hasn’t contacted you to rearrange but you can understand she feels a bit sad that you are not attending just as she should understand your reason for not attending. It’s just one of those things hopefully it will all blow over and in time you will be friends again.

Moralitym1n1 · 04/06/2019 15:10

I bet they wouldn't attend, if the situation were reversed.

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 15:25

I bet they wouldn't attend, if the situation were reversed.

You have no way of knowing that.

Most people would have a family member or friend that could mind a child. I think it's rare to have no one at all.

Op, do you have to go for the full three days?