Struggling to cope with my depressed partner 😥

[RayChi6]

Hi!

This is my first post on here so please be gentle with me! If this comes across a little moany then I apologise in advance!

Firstly let me say I love my partner very much and I do recognise he's depressed. He even admits that he's depressed. I am not in any way criticising him for how he's feeling. I'm just frustrated that he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it.

I have been patient and caring. I've stayed up late to let his dog out for his last wee before bed so that he can get an early night, I do his washing up, I change his bedding and I try to encourage him to open up to me and I listen and even try to offer some advice. (I'm a trained person-centred counsellor so I never force him to open up if he doesn't feel up to talking.)

He actually doesn't believe in the process of talking therapies (which I realise is ironic considering what my career choice is)! He's tried counselling a few times for a handful of sessions and each time he has come away convinced that everyone is stupid...That's his favourite saying TBH, or 'People are d**ks'. He has the mentality of only being able to trust himself. This attitude seems to get him down quite a lot. He feels like he is proved right all the time though; but I can't help feeling that because this is his default setting that he sees negativity where it isn't or almost unintentionally seeks it out to prove himself right.

For example, he says nobody ever makes an effort to invite him out anywhere and it's always him making the effort (which on the surface does seem to be this way), but beneath the surface he complains a lot and I wonder if people just don't like to be around the negative vibes.

When he makes an effort and is sociable, he can really make people laugh and be so entertaining! He plays the didgeridoo and is very funny! Whenever I ask him if he's enjoyed himself though he replies with, "It was alright..." With an unimpressed expression.

I understand that libido drops when you're depressed. It's been 7 and a half months now since he's shown any interest in me. I'm trying hard not to take it personally. He never compliments me, even though I tell him when he's looking good in something he's wearing, and I tell him I love him and appreciate him.

He watches A LOT of TV. I mean...apart from taking the dog for a walk or working (he's a web designer, so that's also in front of a screen) he's watching series upon series on some American sit com or film upon film upon film...or he's staring at his tablet or phone.

We're concerned my son is developing a screen addiction so he has a very limited amount per week (about an hour or so a day). I'm starting to feel it's a "Do as I say and not as I do" situation with my partner. I'm wondering if my son being exposed to a male role model who is so engrossed in screen time is having a negative effect. I on the other hand, tend to to listen to the radio or audio books or read. That's when I sit down! I'm usually busy with study, work or housework!

Anyway...I'm just feeling a bit fed up I guess. I'm trying so hard to not let this get to me, but I feel so ignored in this relationship. He is losing interest in work and I'm worried he's going to run into financial difficulty...Not that that has ever happened before. He seems to be doing the bare minimal amount of work just to get by.

I really want him to be able to appreciate this wonderful gift of life that we have been given. To live rather than exist. I love nature and getting out and about and doing things with my son but he just doesn't have any enthusiasm for anything much.

I suggested regular date nights which we do every Saturday evening, but he's not interested in anything I suggest. I never pressure him to be intimate because I know that's not what he wants. I suggest other things like cooking together, having a nice meal together (away from the TV!), or a board game or just listening to music and chatting...but when we do sit and chat, unless he's having an alcoholic drink, he seems to have nothing to say. It's all so frustrating. I just wish I knew how to help him.

He won't consider therapy again and gets really cross with me if I suggest it. He absolutely point blank won't consider antidepressants (which I do understand), but he won't even consider herbal alternatives.

I'm just feeling so alone in this relationship. I try to speak to him about how I feel every couple of months or so when it becomes too much for me to bear, but he just seems to turn it back on to me. He tells me how I don't have my life figured out so I should focus on that rather than him. The thing is, I am making positive changes in my life at the pace in able to.

Anyway, if anyone has any experience of this please can you give me some kind of hope. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Thank you for listening to my very long ramble. X

Hopefully this link works;

Lots of stories & helpful advice as well as support

... http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3478324-is-there-a-thread-on-here-for-support-for-wives-and-girlfriends-of-people-suffering-from-depression-anxiety

First off give yourself a break please.
I was/Am the depressed one in my relationship so I can only give you my side.
I had a mental breakdown 18 months ago just after my beautiful baby was born by c section. I then within the first night went down hill with pneumonia and had to go to itu.
I got home and my mental health went bang. Firstly he has to admit he needs help. I was lucky I knew something was very wrong and I ran to the doctors health visitors and begged for help.
My hubby had to put up with me pacing around having baths at 4 am I couldn't focus I couldn't sit still. I was a wreck. I was put on medication and I started to improve. My hubby would sit up with me till 3am some nights as I would come out of the depression at about 7pm enough to grab him and tell him I loved him and sit together in silence just enjoying what we could.
I was lucky I was able to realised I needed help and that things were not right.
Take the pressure off yourself and know your hands are tied you can't do anything more. He needs to see the Dr and get help.

OP you have a giant child as a 'partner'. He needs to help himself - or not. You are running yourself ragged catering to him. You must, for own and your DC sake, detach.

He's sociable and makes people laugh when it suits him, but you get all the negativity. It will break you.

Has he always been this way or did something trigger It? Has he had a breakdown in the past? What are his family relationships like and have they supported him?

I'm afraid it sounds like this is just the way he is. He's just not an enthusiastic or positive person and you can't change him. Hes also not willing to compromise and make changes for the better himself.

So you need to think seriously about what you want for your future instead of what he wants.
As I see it you only have a couple of options.
. Continue as you are getting absolutely nothing from the relationship and accept that things will pretty much stay this way.
. Give him an ultimatum that he meets you halfway or you split.

It sounds joyless tbh.

Is the father of your child?
If not then this is a no brainer.
He should not be the male role model for your DS.
Why the hell are you running yourself ragged over a grown man who is quite capable of doing his own washing up.
Stop enabling this.
He needs to help himself.
But I'd be out of there.
It's all so exhausting.
Life should not be like this especially for your DS.
There are reasons why people don't invite him out.
Please put you and your DS first.

Moan away but this is a case of how much enabling are you going to do?

If someone complains about pain but refuses to take painkillers and would rather suffer they get told to stop bloody moaning about it. Same thing with someone who refuses to seek medical attention for an injury. Depression is no different.
I have all the time in the world for someone who tries and wants to recover but those who would rather stay wrapped in their comfortable misery while everyone else chivvys them on and do the donkeys work is a firm no from me.

Tell him the stakes and that it looks like he's choosing his depression over his relationship and that maybe you both should look at what splitting looks like.

I really can't see any other way of bringing this to a head tbh.

Thank you all.so much for your swift responses. I'm just collecting my boy from his after school club but I'll respond to you each later this evening when I have a moment.

I honestly don't want to split. He DOES make efforts. Sadly it's just oasis's within the dessert of the depression though.

I do understand the analogy of having an injury and not seeking medical help and that depression is no different. I feel there sis still a stigma around admitting to depression though and I do wonder if it is harder for men...

I certainly don't want to enable the situation to continue and this suggestion has really made me sit up and pay attention. Am I enabling? Quite possibly, yes.

It's got quite bad though because this afternoon I found myself dreading him coming into the house from his office. I couldn't even bring myself to look him in the eye. I also dread asking him how his day is going. It's really starting to affect my own mood too.

Thank you to whomever sent me the helpful link. I shall definitely take a look at this...and to the wonderfully brave lady who experienced such a terrible bought of physical and mental illness after childbirth. Wow, you're so strong to have got through that. You were so brave to reach out for help.

X x X

No he is not my son's father. X

I feel that the passing of his mum in 2007 triggered his depression. His family are absolutely awful towards him to be honest. They show him the cold shoulder and completely neglect him. Whenever he tried to address issues with his father his dad would play the victim and his sister would play the rescuer. In doing so she would become so angry with him. It feels emotionally abusive. X

You don't need to keep playing the role that thevy have assigned you. You know that?

Hi op
You are amazing to stand by him but sometimes tough love works best. I had to be given a jolt a few times as I was so wrapped up in me I didn't look at those around me who were also caught in the situation.
I still have days where I feel myself slipping.
You are amazing and kind to stand behind him but trust me he needs the professionals and he also may need medication.

his dad would play the victim and his sister would play the rescuer.

And now your dp in in role of victim and you are the rescuer.

This all sounds exhausting OP, are you receiving any support yourself? You're in a very mentally draining job yourself. What would you advise a client if they'd written your post? Honestly?

I feel that the passing of his mum in 2007 triggered his depression. His family are absolutely awful towards him to be honest. They show him the cold shoulder and completely neglect him. Whenever he tried to address issues with his father his dad would play the victim and his sister would play the rescuer. In doing so she would become so angry with him. It feels emotionally abusive. X

It seems that due to the nature of your profession you’re so busy trying to find reasons and excuses for why he is the way that he is you’re ignoring your own needs in all of this. The ‘why’ doesn’t much matter. The present is what matters. If a depressed partner isn’t taking steps to attempt to recover or manage their mood it’s not fair of them to expect anyone to be by their side suffering along with them, there’s a lot he can do from medications to therapy to self help. At this stage I’d be making it clear to him that it’s gone on so long you need to start seeing some sustained change or you’re not sure the relationship will survive. And stop being a counsellor around him, every time you notice yourself slipping into active listening mode and displaying unconditional positive regard, congruence and empathy and putting his needs first pinch yourself and remind yourself you’re his partner not his therapist.

I speak btw as a formerly depressed partner. My mother died more recently than his and I’ve had some serious awful family issues that culminated in estrangement. My OH was great while I had depression but if it was month after month of no improvement and I wasn’t doing anything to help myself I doubt he’d have stuck around, and nor should he have done. It’s no different to if I’d broken my leg and refused to see a doctor and get a cast and just kept running around on it making it worse and complaining loudly about how much it hurt and expecting my OH just to tolerate me whining about it all the time and letting it get in the way of our relationship.

Depression can be contagious and at this rate he’ll tank the both of you. I can’t offer hope as the only hope would come from him and there have been zero signs so far of that. You will likely continue to tolerate it for a long time until one day you snap and either your own MH is so damaged you are finally ready to walk away or you’ll realise you’re worth more. Loving someone isn’t enough to make a relationship worthwhile, you deserve to be happy too and have a good partner.

People in the 'helping' professions are quite often co-dependent. I wonder if you are.

People in the 'helping' professions are quite often co-dependent. I wonder if you are.

I was wondering this too.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you exactly, all this I do not want to split nonsense from you?. What are you so afraid of?.

I also think you are a rescuer and codependent (why are his needs here apparently more important than yours?) and a person anyway cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what do you think he is learning from the two of you here?. Is this really what he ought to be seeing here, for him to have this model of a relationship?.

Oh OP. This sounds very draining. You have a career and a child and your own life. If he won't address his illness with talking therapy or medication what else is there? Surely you cannot spend the next decade (two decades? Longer?) like this?

From the outside looking into your perspective it sounds as though you have two children to look after. And frankly he isn't a partner if he doesn't support you or actually bring anything to your life.

I've had PND. It was pretty crippling. My DH is prone to depression. When we notice the descent we go and do something about it. We have to. It's not fair on our partner and children otherwise.

OP, you really have to face up to the fact that he won't change. He's choosing not to change. Depression is an awful illness, but he absolutely does have a responsibility here - if he isn't 100% trying to help himself, he isn't a good partner. He will drag you down with him in the end. Step away, at least emotionally, and start making it clear that this can't continue. It isn't fair on anyone, not him, not you, especially not your DS.

I have been the partner that was severely depressed and witnessed my partner struggling. I was not getting out of bed, trying to kill myself, refusing to eat and not being social.
Now that I am better, I feel very angry with the way he reacted and have left him.
The period lasted two months, and he never once offered to help, he never asked me how I was, he never once told me how he was feeling and he never threatened to leave. He just continued as if I was fine when I desperately needed his help. I really needed him to just acknowledge that I was sick and this would have been the first step to me getting better.
If you have made it clear that you are trying to help him and you have acknowledged his feelings, and his efforts, but still nothing, then I think it is totally fine to walk away if you want.
I would have had no problem with my partner leaving me if he had made it clear how my behaviour was inappropriate, how it was hurting him and if he had shown some effort but I had not tried to help myself.
I eventually left him when I realised that I do not want to be around someone who was ok with me being so sick.
Perhaps you leaving him will be the wake up call he needs

Fudge and thank you for reminding us the coin has two sides.

Perhaps you leaving him will be the wake up call he needs

I agree. Nothing else is working.
It might even make him realise what he stands to lose and get help.

Oh wow! There is a lot of advice here for me to walk away. I must admit our relationship went through some rough patches in the beginning. Looking back, I do think his depression played a huge part in the break ups we had.

I feel we are both a lot more adult now though and able to communicate better (each from an adult perspective). I do communicate with him about the effect his general mood is having on me. Not all the time, but usually at a point where I have reached the end of my tether.

He has really impressed me today on a couple of fronts. One, with his new business venture and how hard he's been working on it. He did tell me that he'd lost interest in it before it had even taken off, but he is still diligently working away on it and making amazing progress. I told him how impressed I was and proud of him. He seemed touched to hear that.

Also, he spoke to our neighbours about looking after the puppy so that he could be free to come to London with me to go round the galleries (which is something I really want to do for my birthday). He can't stand arty stuff so the fact he would make that effort for me meant a lot to me. (It turns out I'm working that day now so o can't make it, but the thought was there and that means a lot.)

I do feel like he's making an effort and trying to show me that he can be proactive. The cynical part of me is just wondering how long it will last though. It sounds terrible, but because I've seen this rise and fall so many times now, I've lost faith that he will sustain the energy and enthusiasm needed to reach his full potential of happiness.

I do believe he needs therapy. Possibly Gestalt inner child work (if anyone's familiar with that?) Really powerful stuff that helps us as adults reconnect with our injured child that we're ignoring in adulthood. It sounds a bit hippy I know 😂I believe in it's effectiveness though. The trouble with therapy is it's just not going to work if you're not willing or ready for it. I understand that. He just isn't open to it. He gets angry any time I suggest it TBH.

Medication is a difficult one too because I've been on antidepressants for 18 years now and am trying to taper off a particularly strong one which I no longer need but have become physically dependent on. He's seen the difficulties I've had with the medication and I think it's put him off, which is understandable.

I've suggested herbal alternatives such as St. John's Wort or 5htp, but he just isn't interested and almost offended any time I suggest it.

What example am I setting to my son? This is a difficult one to answer. He can definitely be low in mood and irritable and quite sarcastic at times and I do feel concerned that my son is negatively influenced by this... However, I hope my positive outlook and proactive mentality will counteract any adversity. I think my son can also see that I am nurturing and caring and I hope that will teach him kindness and compassion. He has an understanding of the importance of self-care and mental health because my mum has bipolar and I have also had a breakdown when he was younger (that was after his dad left 7 years ago though). "We're all mad here!" (Lol!) Only joking...I just want to teach him the value of looking after our mental health as well as our physical health.

What if this never changes though? What if this is his default setting? This scares me in all honesty. Am I codependent. Possibly yes 😕

X x X

One step at a time, don't jump straight to leaving him.
First he needs to get to see the gp.
Maybe he needs medication may be he doesn't.
But you need to make it clear he needs help he needs to make progress.

I hope you can resolve this you sound like an amazing lady x

I don’t think Gestalt would be the best idea at this point. It’ll just encourage him to keep looking at the past and finding reasons to be depressed/validation that of course he feels this way after everything awful he’s endured. When in reality many of us have endured awful childhoods and still have the self awareness to recognise that being a good partner means owning your shit and moving forwards. I think if anything would be helpful it’d be CBT, but if he’s not open to therapy you’re right it won’t work. And it’s his right not to have it. As it is his right to refuse meds. As it is your right to decide whether this man is the one you want as your partner, or whether you would rather walk away. We all get choices :)

Do you think you are co-dependent,op?

Only he can help himself and he's made it clear he is not prepared to do anything. He could be looking at alternatives to therapy but instead is sleeping, isolating himself and seeing you struggle to support him emotionally.

What are you getting out of this?