Struggling to cope with my depressed partner 😥

[RayChi6]

Hi!

This is my first post on here so please be gentle with me! If this comes across a little moany then I apologise in advance!

Firstly let me say I love my partner very much and I do recognise he's depressed. He even admits that he's depressed. I am not in any way criticising him for how he's feeling. I'm just frustrated that he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it.

I have been patient and caring. I've stayed up late to let his dog out for his last wee before bed so that he can get an early night, I do his washing up, I change his bedding and I try to encourage him to open up to me and I listen and even try to offer some advice. (I'm a trained person-centred counsellor so I never force him to open up if he doesn't feel up to talking.)

He actually doesn't believe in the process of talking therapies (which I realise is ironic considering what my career choice is)! He's tried counselling a few times for a handful of sessions and each time he has come away convinced that everyone is stupid...That's his favourite saying TBH, or 'People are d**ks'. He has the mentality of only being able to trust himself. This attitude seems to get him down quite a lot. He feels like he is proved right all the time though; but I can't help feeling that because this is his default setting that he sees negativity where it isn't or almost unintentionally seeks it out to prove himself right.

For example, he says nobody ever makes an effort to invite him out anywhere and it's always him making the effort (which on the surface does seem to be this way), but beneath the surface he complains a lot and I wonder if people just don't like to be around the negative vibes.

When he makes an effort and is sociable, he can really make people laugh and be so entertaining! He plays the didgeridoo and is very funny! Whenever I ask him if he's enjoyed himself though he replies with, "It was alright..." With an unimpressed expression.

I understand that libido drops when you're depressed. It's been 7 and a half months now since he's shown any interest in me. I'm trying hard not to take it personally. He never compliments me, even though I tell him when he's looking good in something he's wearing, and I tell him I love him and appreciate him.

He watches A LOT of TV. I mean...apart from taking the dog for a walk or working (he's a web designer, so that's also in front of a screen) he's watching series upon series on some American sit com or film upon film upon film...or he's staring at his tablet or phone.

We're concerned my son is developing a screen addiction so he has a very limited amount per week (about an hour or so a day). I'm starting to feel it's a "Do as I say and not as I do" situation with my partner. I'm wondering if my son being exposed to a male role model who is so engrossed in screen time is having a negative effect. I on the other hand, tend to to listen to the radio or audio books or read. That's when I sit down! I'm usually busy with study, work or housework!

Anyway...I'm just feeling a bit fed up I guess. I'm trying so hard to not let this get to me, but I feel so ignored in this relationship. He is losing interest in work and I'm worried he's going to run into financial difficulty...Not that that has ever happened before. He seems to be doing the bare minimal amount of work just to get by.

I really want him to be able to appreciate this wonderful gift of life that we have been given. To live rather than exist. I love nature and getting out and about and doing things with my son but he just doesn't have any enthusiasm for anything much.

I suggested regular date nights which we do every Saturday evening, but he's not interested in anything I suggest. I never pressure him to be intimate because I know that's not what he wants. I suggest other things like cooking together, having a nice meal together (away from the TV!), or a board game or just listening to music and chatting...but when we do sit and chat, unless he's having an alcoholic drink, he seems to have nothing to say. It's all so frustrating. I just wish I knew how to help him.

He won't consider therapy again and gets really cross with me if I suggest it. He absolutely point blank won't consider antidepressants (which I do understand), but he won't even consider herbal alternatives.

I'm just feeling so alone in this relationship. I try to speak to him about how I feel every couple of months or so when it becomes too much for me to bear, but he just seems to turn it back on to me. He tells me how I don't have my life figured out so I should focus on that rather than him. The thing is, I am making positive changes in my life at the pace in able to.

Anyway, if anyone has any experience of this please can you give me some kind of hope. I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. Thank you for listening to my very long ramble. X

from experience, been there done it.

I had to leave when it affected my own moods and turned me into a person that I hated.

I didnt have depression, but started to think It would get me the same way if i stayed.

Im sorry to say this but it will never get any better if you keep enabling him to behave like this.

Either tell him like it is or leave. Or 3rd choice is carry on being miserable and you WILL suffer (as will your child)

There are 2 things that need addressed. First is his unwillingness to get proper help for his mental health. Yes, there are stigmas to overcome but he should see beyond this and develop some insight into the impact of his behaviour on his family. That he hasn’t done that in 7 years with you means he never will. Primarily because I think you enable him by tolerating his inaction and also by responding clinically and pathologically which is not appropriate given your relationship and the context.

The other issue you need to explore, with a professional mentor, is why you are still in this situation. A pp is right your profession does attract people looking to diagnose and treat their lives and their families. It is not the right place to be a professional.

You know he needs treatment and you know he will never seek it whilst with you.

Sorry that’s the way I see. I have dealt with a depressed DP and you need boundaries on what you will tolerate. I certainly wouldn’t wait 7 years to define them.

There's a huge amount of stigma around anti-depressants, particularly in the UK. But they save lives.

The fact he won't consider therapy, or medication, or presumably any of the other treatments for depression, suggests that he is very resistant to changing. Even though he knows that his ill health is affecting you and your son, he still won't get help.

My DH has very severe depression. He detests going to therapy, hates any interaction with doctors, and doesn't like taking medication. But. He goes to therapy weekly and takes his medication every day. Because he knows that if he didn't, he would be really ill. And my life and our son's life would be unbearable.

There is always the difficult question you ask yourself, when you're with someone who is depressed: is this particular behavior caused by their illness, or are they being a selfish arse? For instance, at various points in my relationship I've had to ask myself, "Does my DH struggle with housework because he's depressed, or is it because he's a lazy git?" At other times it can be more serious: "Does he always pour cold water on plans to go out because he's depressed and finds social situations stressful, or is it because he's too lazy to get off his butt and doesn't care enough about my feelings to make an effort?"

The thing is, in terms of the big picture, if your partner really cared about you and your son he would get the help he needed. That fact he won't because [blah blah therapists are all stupid reasons] means he is a selfish arse.

You can't do the work for him. You can't give him the books, make him read them, make him engage seriously with a therapist, do the work of finding the right medication that will work for him. You can't do all that and you shouldn't! HE has to do it. But he won't because... Why exactly? Oh right, because he doesn't want to.

Ugh.

Btw, I strongly recommend these two books because they both offer very informed, balanced perspectives on the drugs v therapy arguments for treatment of depression. They discuss and critiquing both the extreme of "Drugs are evil placebos sold by Big Pharma" and the counter argument that "All depression is caused by chemicals so talk therapy is unscientific nonsense."

Ordinarily Well: The Case for Antidepressants, by Peter D. Kramer (us.macmillan.com/books/9780374536961)

Gut Feminism, by Elizabeth Wilson (www.dukeupress.edu/gut-feminism)

For you: Codependent no more (Melody Beattie). There is also a companion workbook to go with it.

All of the info in your post is about him. Not about you. If you can’t bring your focus away to look after yourself, then do it for your DS.

All the energy that is going towards thinking about, making excuses for, and enabling a grown man - imagine how your DS would thrive it that attention was flowing in his direction.... you are concerned that he has a screen addiction. Why might he be using screens to check out? What is going on with your DS? What are you teaching him about relationships when he sees you pandering to a man who “can be sarcastic” and who drains the energy of your DS’s home?

Back to your DS. It is appropriate to treat him like a child and take care of him and provide a safe and nurturing environment for his needs. Because you ARE his mother. You are not mother of your DP.

How long have you been together OP? And how long has he been like this?

Oh wow...So much help and support. I am sitting in Costa actually crying with gratitude for the time you're all taking to try to help me. The fact that many of you have been through this either personally or by proxy means you are speaking from experience. I have been aware of being codependent in previous relationships, I just didn't equate it with this one. The need to be needed. Definitely something I need to think about. Mind you, I wouldn't say I am particularly sympathetic towards him anymore. I think since he stopped finding me attractive (or anyone for that matter... probably due to his low mood) it's hurt me so much I'm unable to feel much towards him. It's like I'm numb because to feel would actually hurt too much. It feels like survival.

I will definitely look into these book suggestions. I loves good book. Thank you.

I will let you know how this progresses. X

Hope you start to see things clearer soon, op.

I was with a partner for several years that was depressed and would do nothing about it. Maybe six months post-splirt I became aware how much of my life was spent fixated (and trying to fix him): his unhappiness, his moods, his lack of libido.

We can't help people that won't help themselves. Not should we have to.

Start thinking about your needs and wants :)