Am I a terrible daughter?

[Changingnames34]

Another thread inspired me - about relationships with mothers. NC, but probably still outing to anyone who knows me irl.

I’m in my early 20s, my mum is mid 60s. When I was 10, I emigrated from England to another English-speaking country. My mum married, and still lives with my step-father.

As I reached my late-teens, and school was coming to an end, I began to feel detached from the country I was living in. I longed to come back to England. It was all I could think about, and I did come back during the summer holidays (I stayed with my dad). I was soon set on the idea of moving back to England. I just didn’t know when or how. I often forgot about “home” while I was there. When I would try and talk to my mum about how I felt, her response was bitter. She viewed me as being ungrateful, and said I wanted to “leave” her. This left me feeling extremely guilty. I could see her POV, however I felt so deeply unhappy living there. As you can imagine, I was in a tough position. I wanted to keep my mum happy, and knew I would miss her an awful lot. But I also couldn’t bear the thought of staying in that country.

To try and cut things short, I am now back living in the UK with my partner of 3 years. I took the plunge when my mum sold our house and relocated to another part of the country.

I enjoy my life here, and know I made the right decision regarding the move. However, my mum is always at the back of my mind. I feel guilty. I feel like a terrible daughter. My mum keeps reminding me that she won’t be here for “much longer”. She tells me how hurt she is that she won’t get to see her grandchildren (that aren’t even born yet!). She makes cutting remarks about England, and wants to know what we have here (England) that they haven’t got there (where she lives).

(I should point out that I have siblings, one of which lives near her).

I talk to her as often as I can. I video-chat her regularly, I have been back to visit her as much as I can (despite barely being able to afford it). I try to involve her in my life, send her plenty of photos. I understand that she misses me, I miss her, too. But sometimes, she takes me on a guilt-trip, and I just feel awful. As if I’m not allowed to enjoy my life because I’m hurting her.

I don’t know what I’m trying to gain from this - I just don’t know what to do. In my ideal world, she would decide to come back here, too. But she doesn’t want to, she’s happy living where she is, with her husband. Which is completely fair. I just wish she wouldn’t make me feel like I’m responsible for her happiness.

I moved 2500 away from my family. As my mother moved from hers. I did it at about 19, and I was very close to my late mother. You are an adult you need to live YOUR life. And she’s mid 60s and saying she doesn’t have much time left? About 20 years....

She's had 40+ years of making her own choices as an adult now it's your turn.

Stop feeling guilty for becoming an adult!!!

Every time she brings it up I would end the call "Here we go again Mum I've had enough of your emotional blackmail so I'm going now, speak to you Thursday/Tomorrow/Next week"

She was wrong to take you away from your Dad, start reminding her of that!

@Pip

I’m often torn between the fact that I’m an adult and it’s my life, and the fact that my mum really misses me.

Nice to hear your story! Sometimes I feel like the only one who doesn’t get to see my mum every weekend.

@Random

Yes, yes and yes.

She is fond of re-telling me all the reasons why my dad isn’t very good/didn’t want me, etc. My dad has been so supportive of me over the last few years, however.

Well perhaps you need a few "but now he his supportive, loving and kind which is what I need"

If she doesn't take the hint add in "unlike your emotional blackmail is"

Your mother doesn't own you. Plenty of adult children move to the other side of the world and their parents, while missing them, are happy to have reared independent children.

I'd have one last word on the matter - 'Mum you need to accept that I am an adult, have a mind of my own and am entitled to make decisions for myself. I love you and of course I miss you, but your constant guilt tripping is not going to make me want to move back - if anything it's making me want less contact. Please respect my decisions'

After that if there's any more talk of wanting you to move, her not being around (she's a young woman by today's standards) etc just cut the conversation. Stop visiting so much - let her take a turn to visit you.

@Random

My mum says she’s given me everything, even when she was struggling. That she wanted to emigrate to give us a better life. She tells me it over, and over and over again. I always tell her how grateful and thankful I am. She has always provided a roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my body. But she’s never been one to offer me emotional support - especially if it doesn’t relate to her in some way or another.

@Drum

Thank you for your advice. That is an excellent way of describing how I feel - but I often sugarcoat it when I tell her! I may have to be more blunt.

Your mother may or may not have been a good mum to you when you were a child, but she is making a mess of being a good mum now.
The final (and important) act of mothering is to let our children go.
To accept that they are adults, and that they must be free to make their own decisions, choices, and even mistakes, in their own way.
Do not engage with emotional blackmail, or allow yourself to be mired in obligation or guilt. Simply live your life where you want, how you want. Your mother made her choices, and followed her own path- now it’s your turn to make yours.

@Babdoc

I’m going to guess you’re a mother yourself - it’s insightful to hear these things from another mum.

You aren’t a terrible daughter at all. Living abroad was her dream, not yours.

Was her mother around when she left the UK? Was she a terrible daughter for wanting to have a life of her own? No, of course not. And neither are you.

Step away from the guilt.

She makes her choices.

You make yours.

Do you think counselling may help you to let the guilt go?

@Sn0tnose

(Your username made me giggle )

Her mother died shortly before we left the UK. She tells me that she wouldn’t have gone while her mum was still alive, but I don’t know if I believe that.

I think my most recent episode of “guilt” has been triggered by the fact that my partner’s grandparents have offered to put a deposit on a house for us (we currently rent). This came completely out of the blue, and we’re still stunned and overwhelmed by the prospect. I don’t know I how will tell my mum when the ball starts rolling - us buying a house would solidify the fact that I’m not coming back. I know that would upset her. On top of the fact that she will feel hurt that it’s not her whose helping us buy a house...

Btw, you are not a terrible daughter, you sound far to lovely to be anything terrible.

@0ccamsRazor

Oh, bless you, I think I really needed to hear that!

Ok she's way overstepping!!

My DC are fleeing the nest and it is sad for me, I do miss them!!! I tease them about not being allowed to leave but it's in jest and I hope they know it.

Live close to my eldest but she's far too busy with her partner, studying, working, spending time with friends - hardly get a look in 🤣

If she's that bothered she can move back to the UK...

@RandomMess

And of course you will miss them - and they’ll miss you! But you wouldn’t make them feel as if it’s in your debt.

It’s almost like she sees the idea of her coming back to England absolutely preposterous. It’s as if she has too much pride, in a way. She makes all sorts of excuses. But at the end of the day, she and I are from England, and I’ve only decided to go home. She was the one who decided to move halfway across the world!

I forgot in my rant...

She has her partner she chose to go with him

She needs to get a life!!!!

You need to tell her forcefully she is emotionally blackmailing you and you will be opting out of talking to her if it continues. It's awful she does this.

Me and my brother chose to live as far away from my dm as possible. She genuinely can’t understand why we don’t live in the same street as her and frequently compares us to her sister’s children who all live within 5 minutes drive. She was emotionally neglectful and we couldn’t wait to get away.

We regularly get the guilt trips, so I’ve been very honest and said that I don’t want to live near her and why. It’s not all personal reasons, but my life does not revolve around her desires. Have you actually told her why you came home? (And I emphasise the home bit!)

You are not a terrible daughter!

I have adult children. One is abroad; one has just returned from abroad ( though I suspect will take the chance to live abroad in future if possible).

Of course I miss them, but I raised them to become autonomous adults.

I am delighted to see them explore the world and develop into who they are meant to be.

Don't let emotional blackmail spoil your joy.

@Cherrysoup

Haha, oh my word! How far did you move from her? Living on the same street would be a nightmare! I bet she’d be coming round unannounced for all sorts.

I’ve tried to explain to her. She generally doesn’t understand, and is either dismissive or gets offended. She takes it personally, despite me telling her it’s not about her, it’s about my environment. A lot of my reasoning is so difficult to explain - England has an atmosphere, a way of life that the other country doesn’t have. I missed the bluebells, English countyside, and even daft things like Asda.

@Changingnames34

I moved to Europe, then came back but moved 5 hours away, my brother emigrated to Oz. She hasn’t forgiven me yet and likes to try to dictate to me when I should come to hers. I generally ignore her ridiculous demands.

My mum keeps reminding me that she won’t be here for “much longer”. She tells me how hurt she is that she won’t get to see her grandchildren (that aren’t even born yet!).
This is emotionally controlling behaviour. You, as an adult, are entitled to live your life where and how you wish - just as she is.

My mum says she’s given me everything, even when she was struggling.
That was her job - fulfilling her responsibilities as a mother, which doesn't mean she owns you or can dictate your life.

The way she is behaving now may well be counter-productive as she's going the right way to drive you away from her to protect yourself from her negativity.

Don't let her guilt trip you OP. You have one life - don't let her ruin it. Make your own choices. She's made hers. Good luck! 🌹