Am I a terrible daughter?

[Changingnames34]

Another thread inspired me - about relationships with mothers. NC, but probably still outing to anyone who knows me irl.

I’m in my early 20s, my mum is mid 60s. When I was 10, I emigrated from England to another English-speaking country. My mum married, and still lives with my step-father.

As I reached my late-teens, and school was coming to an end, I began to feel detached from the country I was living in. I longed to come back to England. It was all I could think about, and I did come back during the summer holidays (I stayed with my dad). I was soon set on the idea of moving back to England. I just didn’t know when or how. I often forgot about “home” while I was there. When I would try and talk to my mum about how I felt, her response was bitter. She viewed me as being ungrateful, and said I wanted to “leave” her. This left me feeling extremely guilty. I could see her POV, however I felt so deeply unhappy living there. As you can imagine, I was in a tough position. I wanted to keep my mum happy, and knew I would miss her an awful lot. But I also couldn’t bear the thought of staying in that country.

To try and cut things short, I am now back living in the UK with my partner of 3 years. I took the plunge when my mum sold our house and relocated to another part of the country.

I enjoy my life here, and know I made the right decision regarding the move. However, my mum is always at the back of my mind. I feel guilty. I feel like a terrible daughter. My mum keeps reminding me that she won’t be here for “much longer”. She tells me how hurt she is that she won’t get to see her grandchildren (that aren’t even born yet!). She makes cutting remarks about England, and wants to know what we have here (England) that they haven’t got there (where she lives).

(I should point out that I have siblings, one of which lives near her).

I talk to her as often as I can. I video-chat her regularly, I have been back to visit her as much as I can (despite barely being able to afford it). I try to involve her in my life, send her plenty of photos. I understand that she misses me, I miss her, too. But sometimes, she takes me on a guilt-trip, and I just feel awful. As if I’m not allowed to enjoy my life because I’m hurting her.

I don’t know what I’m trying to gain from this - I just don’t know what to do. In my ideal world, she would decide to come back here, too. But she doesn’t want to, she’s happy living where she is, with her husband. Which is completely fair. I just wish she wouldn’t make me feel like I’m responsible for her happiness.

Ah that old line... I provided everything for you bs

Took me years to realise that yes she did, because she was the parent. That was what she was supposed to do. If she didnt then She would be an abusive parent.

When parents shoose to have children, they choose to spend the next 18years providing a roof over their children’s head. That’s the point.

It’s nothing special. It’s a choice made when they decided to actually have children.

I hate this, I gave up everything for you emotionally blackmailing control.

As you can tell I still get occasionally bitter. I provide a roof of my dc head. But there is no way I am going to make them feel guilty about the decisions I made or hold it over them when they are adults so they will do what I say.

I think she's probably regretting some of her decisions. She emigrated to give you a better life, possibly also with the motive of distancing you from your father. Yet you didn't want that life, moved back, have a relationship with your father.

It must be very hard for her. I have four adult dc and hate the thought of them moving to another country. For her it's worse, because her own decisions have led to this situation.

Nevertheless, it is unfair to pile guilt on you. She was allowed to emigrate and take you away from your dad after all. Now it is your turn to exercise your right to make similar choices. Maybe you need one, blunt, definitive conversation. And no I don't think you're a terrible daughter, terrible daughters don't agonise over their decisions and worry about their impact on others.

You need to have a firm word with her and stop accepting blame and apologising. People move countries all the time, her unsupportive behaviour will damage your relationship far more than your moving.

My dd leaves home to travel to the other side of the world on Thursday I am delighted for her and distraught at losing her in equal measures. But it is her life and she must go off and explore just as I did. I left the UK at 25 lived and worked in Oz for 3 years, returned for a few months and for 30 years have lived in Europe. My dm hated it all as we are very close but she also has very demanding /narsisitic personality and distance was probably better for us. She also left her home country to move to the UK. Today it couldn’t be easier to stay in contact and travel couldn’t be cheaper. It’s your life not hers - she’s made her choices- so don’t feel guilty.

@Aussie

It took me a long time to realise that, too. I spent years thinking I really was ungrateful! I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that it’s my life, not hers.

@hellodarkness

Yep, she’s bitter that I didn’t want that life, and thinks I went running off back to my dad. She used to say things like “Your father will think he’s won. He’ll be delighted that everything didn’t work out in the end”. Always paranoid, thinking it would get around to her family and friends, and make her look stupid.

@Almostflownthenest

You sound really supportive and understanding of your DD. You have done it all yourself, so you know you can’t guilt her for doing the same. Of course it’ll be sad and you’ll miss her, any mum would. But you wouldn’t resent her for living her own life!

Oh, I moved to another country in my mid-twenties. I'm still here now at 40. My mum (and dad) saw it coming for a long time and gave me every bit of support. I miss them terribly but 'belong' here - and they've never done less than support that.

They actually emigrated themselves when they retired. My brother still lives in the UK. We're a very close family but found happiness in other places. That happiness is what we all want for each other.

You're not a bad daughter. I do wonder if your mum feels like your dad has 'won' some imagined contest for you here?

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

That’s just it - it’s about feeling where you belong. That’s lovely that your mum supported you.

My mum always says to me “I get attached to people, not places”. Well, I must be a heartless bitch because I could be with the person I love, but still feel miserable in my surroundings...