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Original poster

DH read my journal

33 replies

RunoftheMillUserName · 02/06/2019 09:01

Hi,
As the title, really. I'm probably being overly dramatic compared to others' issues., I know.

We've been going through a very rough patch, well patches, and I write a lot of my feelings down to get my head straight, and cheaper than therapy. Our relationship had got to the point where I had pretty much decided I wanted to leave, so I wrote a list of for's and against's in my journal, in order to try and work out what I wanted to do. I must admit I was in a pretty angry state of mind, and some of the things I wrote in my journal weren't nice, but it was for my eyes only.

Since doing this, we've sold our house and moved into a rental. We agreed that things weren't great, we would 'see how things go'. We were talking again, and getting on better, but both were aware that things had got to a very low point, and we certainly weren't looking to re-purchase another house etc, whilst things were in limbo.

Anyway, DH was sorting out some drawers yesterday and found my journal, which I'd stopped writing in, and had forgotten was there. It was wrapped in a pajama top of mine, and I'd written 'Budget' on the front cover... just a plain scrapbook type thing.
Well of course, he opened it and read it. And now he's upset at the things I wrote, didn't realise how bad things were etc etc.

I asked him if, once he realised it was a diary and not a budget, did he put it away, and he said he just read a little bit.

I was angry, and told him he shouldn't have read it.

Well he's gone out now, and there was a piece of A4 paper on his home office desk, just upside down, I turned it over (yes, I know this makes me a total hypocrite) and he's copied my entire for and against list out from my diary!

I feel so violated, these were my private thoughts. What's he going to do? Read them every day and ruminate over them?

OP posts:
Shylo · 02/06/2019 09:10

It’s a massive breach of privacy and I too would be very upset ...... however how I’d feel about it going forward does rather depend what he’s going to do now he’s snooped ...... is he just going to keep throwing it in your face, or has reading what you’d written actually made him realise how bad things are from your perspective?

If it’s the latter hopefully it may help once you’ve both got over the awkwardness ..... but if he won’t let it go and just uses it as a stick to beat you with I’d be telling him to fuck right off I’m afraid

I’m sure other posters will be utterly outraged at him reading the journal and see this as cause enough to ltb ....... honestly, people read things they shouldn’t, it’s not nice but nor, in my view, is it a hanging offence it’s about what they do with the information

I hope things work out

Shylo · 02/06/2019 09:11

Oh ..... and I’d be removing the piece of A4 paper. He can hardly ask you if you’d seen it since he hasn’t admitted to writing it down

Namenic · 02/06/2019 09:18

Sounds like you need to talk about your relationship more? Explain what you said here - that you wrote it when you were angry and that it was cheaper than therapy. Since then it has got better... etc. Ask him how he felt, why he wrote down a list on his desk... better to get things out in the open as high risk of misunderstanding on both sides? It might be an opportunity to sort things out?

baileys6904 · 02/06/2019 09:26

To be honest, if it were me and the other way round, and I was in a relationship that I was desperately trying to make work, I would have probably read the diary too, and I would also probably have taken a photo (im not a note taker) of the list so I knew what to work on.
For me, it would be me genuinely trying to fix things. I think the fact that he wouldn't have realised what it was (being called budget) is the important bit- once opened and seen its be harder to put down. Again, putting myself in the situation, it would have been opening it that I would struggle with, I may not have opened something labelled diary, but once that bit had done, I would have gone with it.
I understand why you feel angry/ betrayed but as I say, putting myself in his shoes, I cant day I wouldn't do the same

RhubarbTea · 02/06/2019 09:32

So this happened to me, I stumbled on a diary a bit after it had been written as it was masquerading as something else, and read a bit even after I'd worked out what it was. It contained horrible things about the relationship I was currently in and reading it felt very sad. I immediately told my partner what I'd done and apologised but they were shitty about it.

Copying down your list is bang out of line though, I do think that is stepping over the mark. You need to talk to each other, but honestly the actions of selling your house (!) and moving into a rental sounds like you are both poised to split. Living in that sort of uneasy limbo is hard. Maybe he is trying to kick start some change, even if that is the end of the relationship?

sackrifice · 02/06/2019 09:33

I would write at the bottom of the 'against' list:
'breaches privacy and doesn't allow me my own thoughts and feelings. Best dump this asshole'.

sackrifice · 02/06/2019 09:34

the one on his desk...not your own

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/06/2019 09:35

I suspect you're flogging a dead horse with this relationship and worrying about the wrong thing. You felt how you felt when you wrote what you did. Nobody has a right to dictate your feelings to you. If this opens his eyes and inspires him to make things better there might be hope. If he trys to guilt trip you, gaslight you or blame you for daring to feel how you do then take the hint and change your life.

marvik · 02/06/2019 09:38

I think I would have read at least some of the diary Curiosity does get the better of us at times and we do sometimes think we want/need to know more about the person we live with. Not to control them but to understand them.

(People on Mumsnet are always glancing at their partner's mobile phone or 'becoming aware' of text messages and wanting to know who they're from.. So maybe we all intrude on each other's space to a degree.)

Having said that, a good person will also apologise for having looked at something private - while also trying to use this as a way of moving forward constructively.

Perhaps there are just a lot of unresolved issues in the relationship.

FuriousVexation · 02/06/2019 09:40

I definitely think this varies according to how you were brought up.

I knew growing up that anything you wrote in your journal was for eventual public view and if you wanted a parent to know urgently about something that was too hard to speak about, then you wrote it in there. (Obviously that wasn't spoken. The fiction that your journal was private was maintained at all times. What can I say, my family was deeply fucked up which is why I'm NC with most of them.)

IME it's very unusual for men/boys to keep journals, so he may not have had the emotional intelligence to know he should have preferably kept his nose out of it.

It sounds like you're going to split anyway so count this as a final nail in the coffin.

HeddaGarbled · 02/06/2019 09:43

Ah, I think you’d have to be an exceptionally strong and ethical person not to read it if you came across it accidentally. Hand on heart, would you genuinely not have done the same in the reverse situation? If not, you’re a better person than me.

I think you need to not get bogged down in the ethics of the journal reading but think about how to move on from this now.

palahvah · 02/06/2019 09:50

I agree with PP that it's now about how he responds to what's in there - of course he will be upset, but does he get angry with you or does he recognise the things that need to be worked on?

I agree that it's not much different to MNers 'happening to see' partners phones/messages.

Have you guys talked about couples' counselling? Contracting is one of the things they might get you to do in there. Of course that's not the same as a pros and cons list written in anger for your eyes only, but -

be prepared for him to come up with his own list. Again, there's a difference between him doing it nastily and doing it constructively.

RantyAnty · 02/06/2019 10:56

It is a breach of privacy for sure.

I've had people snoop in mine before and get mad at what they read.

It's kind of like that saying don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.

If you want to snoop in someone's private journal, be prepared to get your feels hurt when you stuck their nose where it didn't belong.

I used an online journal now with password protection (penzu). Works out really well.

WishICouldThinkOfAGoodName · 02/06/2019 10:56

Sorry OP, I would have read it... but from a place of using the information therein to make the relationship better. I just wouldn’t have let on I’d read it...

Original poster
RunoftheMillUserName · 02/06/2019 11:10

Thanks for all the replies, and opinions.

I think it's the copying down my list of for's and against's, word for word, is what makes me so angry and violated, like he's grabbed my thoughts from my head and they're no longer my own. Creepy.

Couples counselling is on the cards, but we don't get round to it, both working full-time. Yes, I know, make the time...

There are issues that are to some extent unresolved, a lot of past issues. We sold the house due to a failed business, and were struggling with mortgage payments, so not 100% based on possible marital split-up, but both agreed it would be a relief to sell, and we'd see how we go before re-committing to anything else.

I just feel this has set back my trust in him, again.

OP posts:
Mumofone1593 · 02/06/2019 11:17

Taking a photo of the list is one thing (still bad but a bit normal). But to write out the whole list on paper and leave it in sight is so weird and doesn't seem quite right? So confusing.

Original poster
RunoftheMillUserName · 02/06/2019 11:31

It's the copying out the list is bloody weird, indeed. It was face down on his desk. I shouldn't have snooped of course, but I was thinking what's good for the goose and all that.
I think he's just plain stupid leaving it there though! Once I've confronted him over it, I shall rip it to shreds. I've destroyed my journal, and will just use my laptop, password recently changed...

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 02/06/2019 11:39

So it is not okay for your husband to read your journal that was so private you just slung it in a random drawer and forgot about it, but it is okay for you to rifle through his papers on his desk

Mmm.

If it was so private I humbly suggest you hide it properly or take some other precautions if you don't want it read by someone you live with. The guy had no idea what it wad until he opened it and by that time it was too late.

Hopoindown31 · 02/06/2019 11:41

Also, why is writing it out worse than taking a photo? Both are copies just the same.

SummerWhisper · 02/06/2019 11:46

Where in the journal is your pros and cons for leaving list? If it's front page, he may be telling the truth that he just read 'a bit' but if it's pages and pages in...you need an adult conversation that also includes his motives for copying your list. Wishing you all the best Flowers

Ringdonna · 02/06/2019 12:37

Why are you havibg secrets from your partner? Not a healty way to run a relationship in my view.

UnicornDust9 · 02/06/2019 12:50

I would of read it to.

You left it in a drawer and wrote shit things about your relationship in it. Should of been more carful if you didn’t want him to see it

TooTrueToBeGood · 02/06/2019 12:53

Why are you havibg secrets from your partner? Not a healty way to run a relationship in my view.

I disagree. Everyone is entitled to privacy, even from their partner. A major red flag for me, and it has proven 100% accurate to date, is people who declare "no secrets" as a fundamental condition of their relationship. They sell it as a positive (i.e. we will have total trust and openness and it will be so cosy) when actually what they mean is "I'm controlling and you will tell me absolutely everything or feel my wrath".

Crazybunnylady123 · 02/06/2019 13:01

I think you really need to have a good talk about things. He wasn’t looking for it. He found it and didn’t realise what it was. It had budget written on the front. Flicked through it and saw it was something else. Read it not realising it was private. Then saw it was about him and kept reading. Felt hurt and wants to talk about it. Copied the list because he wants to improve everything.
Your understandably hurt it’s extremely private to you. I used to write a journal but my bf read it when I was 17. So I just stopped writing!
But maybe think how he feels too!

DoctorManhattan · 02/06/2019 13:22

If your OH knew you had a diary, knew it was private, it was clearly marked diary and he went looking for it - fair enough, bang out of order.

Accidentally coming across a badly hidden diary - which he didn’t know existed and which was labelled as ‘budget’ - is hardly the same. He opened it expecting something else and probably only realised what it was once he’d already read some of it and the damage was done.

I agree he probably shouldn’t have written things down but once that knowledge was in his head, it likely altered his perspective on things and perhaps this was his way of processing that. If he simply wanted a copy, it would have been much simpler to take a photo of the page. Maybe he was trying to understand your mindset. The only way you’re going to know for sure is to actually communicate here and ask him what he’s thinking.