DH read my journal

[RunoftheMillUserName]

Hi,
As the title, really. I'm probably being overly dramatic compared to others' issues., I know.

We've been going through a very rough patch, well patches, and I write a lot of my feelings down to get my head straight, and cheaper than therapy. Our relationship had got to the point where I had pretty much decided I wanted to leave, so I wrote a list of for's and against's in my journal, in order to try and work out what I wanted to do. I must admit I was in a pretty angry state of mind, and some of the things I wrote in my journal weren't nice, but it was for my eyes only.

Since doing this, we've sold our house and moved into a rental. We agreed that things weren't great, we would 'see how things go'. We were talking again, and getting on better, but both were aware that things had got to a very low point, and we certainly weren't looking to re-purchase another house etc, whilst things were in limbo.

Anyway, DH was sorting out some drawers yesterday and found my journal, which I'd stopped writing in, and had forgotten was there. It was wrapped in a pajama top of mine, and I'd written 'Budget' on the front cover... just a plain scrapbook type thing.
Well of course, he opened it and read it. And now he's upset at the things I wrote, didn't realise how bad things were etc etc.

I asked him if, once he realised it was a diary and not a budget, did he put it away, and he said he just read a little bit.

I was angry, and told him he shouldn't have read it.

Well he's gone out now, and there was a piece of A4 paper on his home office desk, just upside down, I turned it over (yes, I know this makes me a total hypocrite) and he's copied my entire for and against list out from my diary!

I feel so violated, these were my private thoughts. What's he going to do? Read them every day and ruminate over them?

Well if you need a good enough reason to justify properly ending your relationship then use this for that.

If you want to build on the improvement that you say has been happening more recently then use this for that.

Hmm it's odd.

I think its definitely an invasion of privacy.

But if a woman swoops through their Male partners phone and finds something unpleasant written about themseleves, I am sure MNers would (gwnerally) tell the OP they were right to do it.

like he's grabbed my thoughts from my head and they're no longer my own. Creepy.

You wrote them down. They were no longer your own. Realistically, diaries get found and read, or published. Few diaries go undiscovered. Most people don't have the strength not to read something that they stumble upon when they realise it's about them, even if they want to have. And privacy is a fluid concept - most of MN will happily support someone reading their partners messages and notes if they are suspicious.

My sisters therapist told her that the good part of diary writing is thinking it through and writing it down, and few people ever re-read, so advised her to rip it up and throw it out afterwards, or delete the file. I've always kept that in mind, although I'm not really one to keep a diary.

You need to talk about his intentions with the list. It could be the crunch needed to end things, it could be that he wants to use it to improve.

I agree with PP who have said it is likely he opened it for the reason he said and when he realised what it was - couldn’t not read it. I don’t know that many people would turn a blind eye to such a thing especially if they know the relationship is currently on rocky ground.

He didn’t go looking for it, he was hurt by it (put yourself in his shoes for a minute) and was honest enough to fess up - albeit angrily. Him copying the list isn’t necessarily creepy - maybe he does genuinely want to keep it in mind to improve.

Is it ideal? No. Do you feel violated to have him read it, yes and that’s completely valid. But if you do want things to work I’d have an open conversation about it with him. Yes it is hurtful that he read something private of yours, but it’s also hurtful to be on the other end of this situation too.

I come from a place of positive ( theres enough negative on MN, although this thread took a pleasant change :).)

He may have written the list for himself to learna and grow from. He may have been angry and emotional and hurt at first but recognised that and maybe wanted to refer back to it when calmed down to improve himself.
I know when I've had an argument or got emotional i forget my details and get my self confused so maybe it's his way of countering that.

I do think it's more about what happens in the future. It sounds like this is a just the pinnacle of a mountain of challenges you've faced and maybe it's time for you both to regroup and take a bit of time for each other. We dontnkmwo the extremity of the list but you say it was written in anger. Maybe use that to bring it up to him and explain your thought process or upset. Maybe use it to open communication. Good luck x

It's the copying out the list is bloody weird, indeed

Or, he wants to make it work and the list gives him the insight in to how he could do that.

Thank you very much, everyone, for all your comments, it's very helpful to hear different perspectives.

We've both calmed down and agreed that we need to talk about it, obviously.

Where to from here, I don't know. As I said, we were both aware that we'd got to the stage where we were needing to take stock as to whether we stay together or not, as the kids are older now, and what with our business failing and all the stress entailed in the lead-up to that, having to sell up etc, I thought it made logical sense to end the relationship too, as I'd been unhappy for a long time - and so had he.

Anyway, thank you very much again for the very helpful comments, for helping me see his side, - and for not being horrible ;)

I think you're wasting your time in this relationship.
Relationships don't have to be that much of a hard job.
You sound like a bad match for each other.
I would end it.
It all sounds so tedious and joyless.