Would a family man cheat?

[Heartbroken1979]

Could a self-confessed family man have an affair? A man who says that he prioritises his marriage? Who says that family is the most precious thing?

DH has said all of this stuff for years and recently too. I suspect he might be having at least an emotional affair with a woman from his old work. I don’t have any evidence, it’s just a gut feeling.

Am I being a crazy jealous wife? I know he believes the things he said or at least he used to believe it. Are there other husbands out there who claim that their family is the most important thing but still cheat anyway?

I don’t know what to think. Rationally I would say of course he wouldn’t cheat. He’s against cheating and prioritises the family above all else. So why am I even still thinking about it? I’m not ready to talk to him about it.

What is it exactly which makes you think he has cheated?

I honestly believe anyone is capable of cheating, irrespective of how they label themselves. It doesn't mean they will cheat though, just that we all could.

That’s just it. I don’t have any evidence as such. Just a feeling.

I suppose there was an initial mentionitis followed by less talk of her. He’s friends with her, despite only meeting through work. He used to be her boss. Oh I don’t know. There’s not much to go on.

I think anyone has the potential to cheat (controversial opinion probably).

I think emotional affairs are harder because the issue is where do you draw the line between good friendship and emotional affair? (Different people will have different lines, for example I'm reasonably sure that mine and DH's tolerance of opposite sex friendships would be out of order for some on here)

Gut feeling is tricky because in my experience gut feeling can be spot on but equally it can be paranoia and starting to see 'evidence' where there isn't any.

You'll probably get a lot of replies on here weighted in people's personal experiences (for example those who've been cheated on will probably decide he is guilty and you need to get your ducks in a row).

Honestly, I would take a step back and aim to focus on something else for a while and see how it goes. Then if you still feel that way, you need to check in with him.

I hope it works out for you

Yes, of course there are. This board is full of women married to them, or who used to be.

A bloke making a big fuss about being a family man is no guarantee he won't cheat.

Doesn't mean your DH is, doesn't mean he isn't.

Yes
I would say that a man who says all those things would be capable of an affair.

DH is quite scornful of people who have affairs or get divorced. He once told my sister that he’s idealistic about the sanctity of marriage. I suppose that should reassure me but it doesn’t. My paranoia probably.

Smacks of “the lady doth protest too much” to me - anyone who is really so anti-cheating doesn’t feel the need to keep banging on about it. The fact that he feels that he needs to tell you that his family is the most important thing would set my sense on edge. A bit like the self-confessed ‘nice guy’ who keeps telling you what a nice guy he is rather than just letting you work out for yourself whether or not he’s a nice guy. Obviously it’s difficult to say without any evidence of cheating, but what he says certainly wouldn’t reassure me, it would make me more suspicious. Some of the least likely husbands, in my experience, are the ones who cheat. And especially if it’s an EA, he will easily be able to convince himself that he’s just being a decent and kind friend to the OW while retaining his self confessed family man status.

Many people are scornful about affairs.

Some people who cheat are outright liars who seek to commit adultery (and lie with their romantic gestures and fidelity statements), but I'd reckon more are people who've had a friendship/colleague, crossed an emotional line gradually and uninentionally and then it's crossed to physical over time. The latter are still guilty of cheating and betraying trust but it's a different type of affair.

People in the latter group are the ones who would typically post on MN about how the affair fog is lifting and they've always hated affairs and they're mortified by their actions etc. They thought affairs happened to someone else, affairs only happened if sex had gone in the relationship (but they were still intimate with DH/DW), affairs happened if couples were unhappy and arguing (but they weren't unhappy or arguing at home) etc.

Without any evidence you can't really tell and we can't either. What you've got to do is try to remain objective otherwise you'll see anything negative as proof of an affair and anything positive as proof he's hiding an affair. Neither are good for your wellbeing.

Sadly I would say go with your gut op.
BUT he might just fancy her( not great, but we can’t really control that), OR he might be flattered by thinking she fancies him, OR there might be a massive spark between them, but it won’t t go anywhere. Which is not an emotional affair, because that involves lots of gazing at each other going” I want to but I can’t, oh god this is exquisite torture” etc.

If you are intuitive you could have picked up on any of the above. And many many people manage to contain those situations and not act on them, it’s nota done deal.

In your situation I chose to say a few things . I told him I had a dreadful fear that something could rip our family apart. I wasnt blamey, just sad. I showed him I was hurting.
I felt a shift andknew I’d been heard.

Years later he admitted exactly what I thought was happening. He’d been hit on by a woman who was attractive, but whom he’d never really noticed before.
It really turned his head.
Me talking about my fears woke him up and He walked away.

Hope it turns out to be nothing op . But what ever it is know that it’s no reflection on you. It’s all about where he is in his life.

People talk shite.
I wouldn't put much stock in what anyone says.

Instincts are powerful things. I'd usually advise listening to them. Can you monitor/check his communications?

Someone will say you shouldn't snoop, bullshit to that. Many many mn users are no longer with cheaters because they snooped.

I would ask him outright if there was anything I needed to be worried about if I were you.

Yes of course They can, and do

What people say and what people do are not necessarily the same

Surely anyone is capable of cheating. My friends husband was the "best" husband, father to their 3 children, domesticated, thoughtful and generally lovely guys, until he had an affair with a lady 15 years older than him from his work place.

I am a believer in trusting someone until they give me reason not to. I'm too busy and life is too short for me to be worried all the time.

If you are not ready to talk him about it, I suppose you will stay in the situation of suspicion for longer.

Thank you for the wise advice. I think he fancies her. I’ve met her a few times and felt a bit of a third wheel because they seem to get on like a house on fire. I have no idea how she feels. I’m hoping that if he does fancy her that it will just burn itself out.

Er, yes. I had one of them.

Do you mean look at his phone bill? I think it’s all online these days and I wouldn’t know his password.

I’m so sorry TrySinging. Do you mind talking about it some more?

Hello, unfortunate I would agree that yes they can. And these emotional affair's are easier to fall into. I never thought my do would do anything like that but I caught him texting a woman. It was really pathetic ego flattery on his part. Yes we're still together but the sparkle has gone as well as my trust. Always trust your gut. Hope all goes well

Didn't you post about this before? Is your dh a pilot?

No I haven’t posted about this before. He’s not a pilot but similarly high stress job.

How old is he? Danger age for men cheating is 40-50. I know a lot that have between these years

There's a situation brewing at work, where my Manager is pulling out every trick in the book to get her claws into a seemingly happily married man. It's embarrassing and so unprofessional, the whole teams made to feel uncomfortable and awkward by her flirtatious behaviour.Shes so blatant : ensures she works the same shift patterns as him, arranges seating plans so they are next to each other, shares his late night text messages with us all, giggles loudly as she whispers in his ear.I could write pages and pages describing her inappropriate behaviour

I've even thought she might just want us all to think she's seeing him and it's a friendship thing, but never in my working life have I witnessed anything like this.Sometimes I feel sorry for him, but then I think he's allowing himself to be swept along and needs to put some boundaries in place I.e he's a gym freak and for years he has gone to the gym before work and in his lunchtime, manager now insists she tags along and delights in telling everyone who will listen about their joint sessions.I don't think for one minute she enjoys this old fashioned, boxing type gym environment, with no frills, just lots of lifting, but he seems oblivious to her game plan. Although, I did actually lol, when she loudly invited him and his sons on a two night caravan holiday (no mention of his wife) and wanted to high five him when he declared he was going holiday clothes shopping with his Wife.

I really hope he is strong and doesn't give into temptation and remains faithful to his Wife but for most men they are not provided with this type of intense female attention and the opportunity to cheat and that's why it doesn't happen.

I suspected my wife was cheating but dismissed it as I thought she could never do it to me but just 6 months later I found out about her affair with a work colleague