We've split up, still love together & I want to meet someone

[chickennoodledoodle]

I'd really appreciate any advice.

Me & my OH have lived as brother/sister for over 5 yrs now. Our DS is 8. We've continued sharing the house because we want to stay there for our son & financially we are in a bad place. He can't afford to rent, atm.

He's in the spare room atm with the intention of moving into the garage within the year. He wants this, I this. It just needs work to make it liveable.

Our son is nine the wiser, nothing has changed for him except that 8 months ago me & my ex 'officially' decided to call it quits.

Me & my ex actually get on really well. Yes we wind each other up & sometimes he's annoying but we really get on well as friends.

How do we tell our son we have split up but will continue to share the house. I guess I just need the Words to use. I just can't wrap my head around how to break it to him without breaking his heart

It's important to us that we cause as least upset to him as possible.

Anyone for any words of wisdom? Please?

I'm sorry but you can't still be living in the the same house and dating other people. That's a total headfuck for you, let alone your ds.

Neither of us is dating anyone at the moment & if I did decide to date someone, I wouldn't bring him home with me if my ex or ds were there.

By the time I feel ready to introduce someone to my ds we should have our garage sorted by then & my ex living in that.

I'm in the same position OP except my ex should be moving out soon and our DCs know we aren't together.

I'm seeing someone. Ex knows, DCs don't. He doesn't come to my house and we can't have over nights yet, as although I could stay at his, I don't want to explain to the DCs that I'm dating until their dad has left.

It's been 5 months for us. I hate it. Living with your ex sucks and is hard work. I don't advise it OP and my DCs are being affected, mainly because of Ex's moods etc.

NewMe.. thanks for your response :). I know many in this situation too without the kids tho.

As I say though, me & my ex are on pretty good terms, it's not always easy for sure but we are friends & always will be. We've known each other almost 25 years.

How did you tell your children that you were splitting whilst still living together?

Surely there's a better way than having your ex living in the garage. Is this a temporary, six month arrangement while he finds somewhere else? It isn't a sustainable thing really is it. Can't you just wait until he's moved out?

This is a ridiculous arrangement which is not tenable. Whatever the rationale it means your lives are stuck.

Your DS has to work out why his dad lives in the garage and explain it to everyone. Which will be embarrassing for him. Never mind that any new and right thinking partner will run a mile from both of you. So you will be left with the dodgy ones.

It is a sham marriage followed by a sham split. Fgs move on and live your life to the full in something that is real.

Harsh as Lemons words are she's right

You'll never move on with your ex living so close

You cannot have it both ways. Split up and move out or accept that you’re in a relationship, albeit a platonic one, and stay together.

No you can't do that, think about how that will look to your son "daddy is in the garage so mummy's boyfriend can come round" 🙄

Why is your husband moving to live in the garage? That's insane when you have a spare room.
You both need to grow up and work to find a way of separating properly, until then the husband should sleep in the house.

Thanks for the advice.

For the record the garage will be converted into a self contained dwelling. No I won't be bringing boyfriends home to my son, not for a long time anyway.

My friends irl are impressed with how grown up we've been about our split, how much we are working to ensure our son is happy.

As I said previously it is NOT Financially feasible for my ex to go rent a place & there is no what ifs or buts about that aspect at least.

So, in the meantime we are trying to deal with a difficult situation in as a mature & sensible way as possible.

It won't be like this forever but it is as it is right now.

That being said if there is one thing I can take from all your comments is that you all think nobody will touch me with a barge pole because of my situation.

Well that's just marvellous . Maybe I'll just wait til my ex moves away completely or maybe I'll be (him too perhaps?) lucky & meet someone in exactly my situation too!

Thanks again

@chickennoodledoodle - I've been there, it isn't easy but it's workable, short-term. My STBX couldn't afford anywhere else to live, so we co-habited for 18mths. As he was having a LDR with someone, I started dating too. I never had any guy back off when I told them my living situation. I even brought dates back home, so my STBX actually met a few. We told our son what was happening and at first he was devastated but he saw that we still got on and little changed for him. My STBX eventually moved out and I can't tell you how much relief I felt. No matter how well you get on now, it will no doubt deteriorate and you have to be prepared for that. Converting a garage is going to cost money so it sounds like this is a longer term plan for him. I presume selling the marital home is not an option?

Why does he get the garage instead of half the house?

He will get half the house, when we sell it.

Neither of us wants to sell it because for what we'd get, we'd only be able to afford tiny flats. Also, we want it to maintain stability for our son and selling the family home just seems to much like a big step.

The garage will not cost much to convert as it's already half way there, it has water & electric. It's far away enough from the house to give us both the privacy we need.

Thank you, toooldforthis, for your insights. I really hope our friendship does not deteriorate, we really are quite a pair of sensible, practical people who get on well. But I take your point that it may not always be this way.

Who knows what will happen in 3/4 yrs time. All I know is that - for now - having his own space within the boundary of our property (which as I say is far enough that we won't be seeing each other coming & going) is the best outcome for us, given our financial situation.

Toooldforthis, how is your dc now?

My son is 10 now and it's been over 2 yrs of knowing his parents aren't together. He has adapted brilliantly, no doubt helped by our amicable and slow separation. We got a lot of flack from friends and family for co-habiting as a lot of people think once it's over, it's over. I say ignore the doom sayers. Do what's right for you. But there will come a time when it's done.

Thanks for your response toooldforthis.

I'be totally ignored the naysayers! Life isn't always black & white is it. Besides, separated couples having to cohabit for a period of time is increasing due to financial constraints.

I'm pleased your dc has adapted well too. We are both now trying to choose the right time to tell our son.

It's interesting that you say once it's done it's done. It's definitely heading that way for us too now, as it should really.

Thanks again for your sound advice

@chickennoodledoodle If it works it works and it sounds like you don't have options do you are making the best of a situation. I'd do the same.

It's probably tough and if you explain the situation to a date they may be able to handle it or not. You can but try.

Bringing them home won't happen for a while I'm guessing or at least until your son is completely used to you and you OH just being friends, I'm not sure what that would do to him but at the same time it may also show him a different side of relationships, how you get on, how your being mature about things e.t.c

Nothing is straight forward these days and we don't have to live in this black and white world. Two loving parents is all you need. You could say the same about gay marriages who have children, they weren't normal many years ago but now they are and it really doesn't matter.

Exactly Mrmagooo, bringing anyone back - whilst my ex is still the house - won't happen for a long time. And absolutely, when it does happen my dc will be fully aware of the status of mine & his fathers relationship status.

Your point about him seeing how 'proper' relationships is also true. Me & his father have not modelled what loving relationship is to him either.

Thank you for your response

It's a weird situation, one myself and my partner have talked about at bad times.

Whatever works. I think the dating thing might have to wait. If you OH started dating how would you feel.

Maybe you should put serious dating on hold for a bit. If you do date you have to be completely up front with someone, literally on the first date. Dating isn't the problem, it's finding someone who will be okay with your current situation. It could cause all kinds of stress or issues that might not show themselves at first,

I suppose you just have to navigate those waters and keep an eye out for any icebergs.

We had an end time frame so when we told the DCs we were getting divorced, we told them when their dad would be moving out (Which was 6 months later). Whilst STBEXH and I don't dislike each other and do get on ok, it's become awkward. He is moody so I'm constantly on eggshells wondering what mood he'll be in. Other times he's fine and it seems easy. But the constant up and down means I am counting it down u til he can move out and my and my BF can actually spend the night together. As we just can't and it's rubbish. I haven't told the DCs I'm dating even though ex knows. I'll tell them after he's moved out.

If you are dating you need to be very clear about what you expect. If you want a relationship you have to understand that the other person will be making a big sacrifice to be the person who is not 'allowed' near or in your home.

I'm single, Ive done that before and I now run a mile away from anyone in your situation.

If you want to casually date and have hook ups that's fine but if you want a serious relationship then you're asking that persons feelings to be pretty low in the pecking order.

Well done you for putting your son first. I would say just don't make a big deal of it and then he won't. You have staggered phases. So 1 is tell him that you both love him but don't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend any more - like X's parents. Then stage 2 - when garage is being converted... remember when we told you we didn't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend...well it's normal not to live together so daddy is getting a new home made for him. Kids just take it in their stride. My aunt and uncle divorced amicably (after the first few years of rubbish) - they have mass family gatherings with new partners and kids etc This was 30 years ago and seemed odd then. But it worked for them and still does.

Neither of us wants to sell it because for what we'd get, we'd only be able to afford tiny flats

Then that's the reality. And what millions do every day. I think it would be far better for your son to adapt properly and see his dad living in a flat than in the converted garage.

Besides, separated couples having to cohabit for a period of time is increasing due to financial constraints

I know very few. But none of them date other people while doing it. They wait until things have properly moved on.

It's whatever works. We all grow up being brainwashed by what is normal. Through the tv, magazines, family dynamic. Why can't the OP's situation be normal.

I am sure there are so many people out there that might want children but don't want a partner or are great together but can't be together e.t.c

Things are changing all the time and I for one won't be told what is right or wrong just in terms of the society I live in. Look at some tribal societies. I've read (but it may not be true) that in some tribes all the men look after the children because they might not know who the father is because the women can sleep with anyone.

We've just boxed ourselves in with what is wrong and right and acceptable or not. It's all silly. The OP is doing what she thinks is best and trying to protect her child at the same time.

If it works maybe she'll pave the way for others to try the same.

As I mentioned. However many years ago people would have been up in arms about same sex couples having a baby or white people adopting a black baby.

Things change and to a certain degree things need to change. I personally think men and women shouldn't live together, they should live next door to each other. We all bloody go to school, get a job, get married, live together, have children, blah blah blah. Why? Because we all keep following the norm and we've been conditioned to do it from young by all the people around us, who don't know better at the time.